PRIEST: I command you, spawn of Satan, to release this child in the name of God
[sprinkles it with hot dog water]
PRIEST: how do you feel?
[the little girl opens her eyes, wider, wider, and wider still. she begins…
Alone in a hospital but reluctant to be alive, we recaptured one of the enemy strongholds on the Western side of Aleppo.
We celebrated by resting.
There were no hugs, no tears of joy, and no happiness. Losing fellow soldiers, our…
*garbage man looks at me**looks at trash can**grabs me**hesitates*Me: it’s ok*walks me to garbage truck**puts me in*Me: thank you
She fell from several stories up and landed on my back.
“Ya pig ya!” she cried out
I took off running down the street without seeing or understanding my piggyback riding captor.
ME: I live in the land overflowing in milk and honey
DATE: where’s that
ME: Mississippi
DATE:
It’s 3am and you reach for another 5 hour energy. “Oh shit not again.”
Another 5 hours of laying awake. You don’t know what to do.
Your fridge is full of 5 hour energies. Your tap water is hooked up to a 5 hour energy facility. Your…
That time you play “I got your nose” with your child and you accidentally rip it off.
IT’S NOT A FUCKING GAME HUH DAD. I HOPE SOMEBODY IN PRISON RIPS YOUR NOSE OFF.
ME: bachelorette #1, how would you like to die
B1: …… what?
[buzzer goes off]
ME: bachelorette #2, same question
B2: please hit my head with a tire iron by the ocean
If you have to poop and there’s not a bathroom within the estimated time frame you’ve created based on the feeling of urgency, then befriend the nearest tree.
Trees get pooped on all the time. Birds. Bugs. Bears. Squirrels. Deer. Trees are cool with it. Sure they…
ME: After 10 grueling years, we have finally invented the perfect solution for training cats to swim
INVESTORS: yeah we found something else. good luck [they open the door and turn to leave]
