You Are Who You Are: Fostering Authenticity and Wholeheartedness
Much of my life, I have wasted time comparing myself to others. After my pediatric brain cancer diagnosis and treatment, I was not able to run around on the playground, ride a bike, or play sports like my other classmates and friends. As a teenager, I did not learn to drive or get my first car when my peers did. I have never been able to bench press, lift weights, or exercise as easily as others at the gym. Simple things such as walking and navigating crowded places are inherently challenging for me. And, as a young adult, I have often struggled, despite having been given many opportunities with my education, occupation, and hobbies, because even though my life has seemed to be going on well on the outside, still many of my friends and coworkers do not know what I have to deal with. In all of these situations, it has been all too easy to focus on the juxtaposition between my own life and that of others.
Additionally, something that I have been told throughout my life, but which can seem to discredit my own trials, is “everyone carries a cross” or “everyone has some sort of suffering in their life.” For me, these statements appear to discount or ignore my own present difficulties. Along with those statements, people often add: “Look at all the things that you are good at and that you do have. Not everyone can do or has x, y, or z.” However, although it is extremely important to be thankful for the gifts in our lives, ignoring our losses and our crosses upfront can be more detrimental down the road. Contrarily, I have found that it is actually through acknowledging my weaknesses that I have become better able to be thankful for my blessings and I have been able to see how others may have limitations in similar ways to me. In her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, Brené Brown too reveals that it is by embracing all of who we are that we can come to live authentic and wholehearted lives.
Initially, Brown explains that our habit of comparison can arise from a deeper sense of shame. As a leader in shame research, she defines this struggle as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging, and connection” (I Thought It Was Just Me). She also makes the distinction between guilt and shame. Guilt is the belief that “I did something bad” (or possibly, “something bad happened to me”), while shame is the thought that “I am bad.” If we believe that we are inherently bad or defective, it is understandable that we would compare ourselves to others and desire to be like them. Often, we may “fear that we can be buried or defined by an experience that, in reality, is only a sliver of who we are” (The Gifts of Imperfection). However, when we give the shameful parts of our lives too much control, we begin to believe that they are all that we are. Further, we can become trapped in the vicious cycle of comparing ourselves with others who, from the outside, seem to have perfect lives.
However, comparison can never change the reality of who we are. A lot of what is at the root of comparison is a yearning for one’s own life to be different. Brown highlights that: “Comparison is all about conformity and competition . . . When we compare, we want to see who or what is best out of a specific collection of ‘alike things’” (The Gifts of Imperfection). This habit is based on a desire to be like and/or better than others. However, whether it be a physical limitation or chronic illness, the loss of a loved one, or any other permanent difficulty, the reality is that it will not change. Similarly, I have come to find throughout life that the old saying that “the grass is greener on the other side” is a frequently tempting fallacy (as I note in “This Is Not What I Signed Up For: On Standing Up for Yourself When Life Knocks You Down,” section I.5). However, equating two unique individuals’ lives is like comparing apples to oranges. There are so many small differences that influence each person’s path that it is impossible to compare one to another. Yet, the more that we look around and wish that we were like everyone else, the more time we waste from being able to discover who we are actually meant to be, imperfections and all. Additionally, when we actually talk with others about their life situations, the more we will find that their stories are not as picture perfect as they may seem from the outside.
Further, shame and jealousy can actually be another burden in and of themselves. But, unlike those external difficulties that we have to deal with throughout life, this struggle is self-imposed. Comparison makes our inherent sufferings seem all the greater because we focus that much more on their presence and we put ourselves at war with ourselves, others, and God, as we revel in our self-pity and our subjective judgment of others’ lives (as highlighted in “At War with God”). Additionally, it can lead to further vices, such as envy, greed, gluttony, wrath, pride, etc., as we try to further defend and console ourselves against the imagined attacks on our self-esteem. Contrarily, the more quickly that we let go of these comparisons, the more easily we can start to become comfortable with ourselves and our situations, so that we are able to respond accordingly and move forward with our lives.
In place of this negative form of self-perception, Brown proposes that we lead our lives with a spirit of authenticity and wholeheartedness. She describes that “authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are”; further, “wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness” (The Gifts of Imperfection). Not to ruin the book, but she proposes that this lifestyle is achieved through the gifts of imperfection, which are courage, compassion, and connection. Specifically, she states,
“Choosing authenticity means cultivating the courage to be imperfect, to set boundaries, and to allow ourselves to be vulnerable; exercising the compassion that comes from knowing that we are all made of strength and struggle; and nurturing the connection and sense of belonging that can only happen when we believe that we are enough.” (The Gifts of Imperfection)
It is this combination of having the strength to acknowledge that we are imperfect, allowing ourselves to be known and loved in our weaknesses, and sharing with one another in both our strengths and imperfections that we can come to live authentically and wholeheartedly.
Courage inspires one to be their authentic self and to encourage others to do so as well. Brown points out that “courage originally meant ‘To speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart’” (The Gifts of Imperfection). She notes that in today’s world, we often do not speak our mind, possibly for fear of reprimand (from a place of shame) or because we believe ourselves to be greater than others (from a place of pride). The Greek philosopher Aristotle too demonstrates this scale of the virtue of courage, in that it is the balance between cowardice and rashness. When we are courageous to be our authentic selves, we properly order our tendencies toward these vices. Brown emphasizes how doing so “is about putting our vulnerability on the line” (The Gifts of Imperfection). It takes courage to stand up against the expectations of ourselves or others and to show ourselves for who we actually are, both the broken and the beautiful. Additionally, “every time we choose courage, we make everyone around us a little better and the world a little braver” (The Gifts of Imperfection). As with other virtues, when we live courageously, we can inspire others to be more vulnerable and virtuous too. This can be an empowering reminder if we feel trapped in situations — be it family, work, or otherwise — where we live in shame and jealousy. By living courageously, not only can we change our own mindset, but we can also encourage our environment to change as well.
Compassion allows us to live wholeheartedly with ourselves and others. Brown notes that this word essentially means “to suffer with” (as I also note in “The Lense of Suffering in an Age Blinded by Comfort”). It is this idea of “bearing” who we are with one another that allows us to accept ourselves and to welcome other broken human beings into a relationship with us. Brown agrees that “only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others” and that “compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity” (The Gifts of Imperfection). When we are courageous in our vulnerability with others, we allow our imperfect selves to be known by them and we demonstrate that we want to know them in the same way. Brown also shows that compassion, like courage, can help with balancing the shame versus blame scale that can often play out in relationships when we attack another personally, instead of addressing their negative behaviors. She explains how this balance is achieved through setting compassionate boundaries with one another (as I also describe in “This Is Not What I Signed Up For: On Standing Up for Yourself When Life Knocks You Down,” section II.5). These limits allow people the space to be vulnerable and to share their weaknesses with one another, without injuring each other’s self-identity.
Connection helps to sustain us in our shared pursuit of living authentically and wholeheartedly. Unfortunately, in our fast-paced, achievement-driven society, we can “equate success with not needing anyone” (The Gifts of Imperfection). However, as rational, social creatures, we were made for connection and need to depend on one another to thrive as individuals and as a society (as detailed in “One Man’s Lack is Another Man’s Pleasure: A Declaration of Dependence”). Brown describes this reciprocal need for connection in that: “Until we can receive with an open heart, we are never really giving with an open heart. When we attach judgment to receiving help, we knowingly or unknowingly attach judgment to giving help.” Sometimes, we may be cautious toward receiving help because we have been harmed before when we have tried to be vulnerable in sharing our imperfections with others. However, as Brown reminds us, “Our stories are not meant for everyone. Hearing them is a privilege, and we should always ask ourselves this before we share: ‘Who has earned the right to hear my story?’” (The Gifts of Imperfection). We do not have to let everyone in on our weaknesses. However, with those that we can trust, it is helpful to honestly show them all that we deal with. It is in these well-formed connections that we can re-establish a secure sense of attachment with one another (as elucidated in “At War with God”).
This sense of authenticity and wholeheartedness can lead to a deeper feeling of belonging amongst our fellow, similarly imperfect, human beings. As I have started to share my own weaknesses with others more, I have come to realize how broken we all are. Brown agrees that: “When we zoom out, we start to see a completely different picture. We see many people in the same struggle” (The Gifts of Imperfection). Each and every person has their own difficulties. One explanation for the juxtaposition that we experience between our own enormously obvious limitations and others’ seemingly smaller, hidden crosses is solely based on the fact that the subjects are different. In our own bodies and our own lives, we intimately know what we have to deal with. Likewise, others know their daily difficulties extremely well. However, they, just like us, often keep them hidden from others’ view. As we do not want others to see our own imperfections, so too do they have trouble letting others in on their sufferings. But, that does not mean that they are not there. It is just that we all have to allow ourselves to be vulnerable with one another to be able to share in and help each other live with our imperfections. Another helpful way that I have found to do this is by reading others’ written stories of their struggles in life (as listed in “This Is Not What I Signed Up For: On Standing Up for Yourself When Life Knocks You Down,” section III.5). These autobiographies can be inspiring glimpses into the lives of imperfect people who still strive to live meaningful lives.
Creativity is another gift that works in conjunction with courage, compassion, and connection. As we endeavor to find our authentic and wholehearted selves, “creativity, which is the expression of our originality, helps us to stay mindful that what we bring to the world is completely original and cannot be compared” (The Gifts of Imperfection). When we start to acknowledge our true, deepest selves, we can come to see how both our strengths and weaknesses are a special combination of characteristics that allow us to bring something new to the world (as highlighted in “Taking Control of Your Suffering: Finding Meaning in Versus Giving Meaning to Your Crosses”). In this way, “the only unique contribution that we will ever make in this world will be born of our creativity;” and, “as long as we’re creating, we’re cultivating meaning” (The Gifts of Imperfection). It is through this invitation to create meaning that we will ultimately be able to live an authentic and wholehearted life. Come to think of it, these 4 C’s here are very reminiscent of the 8 C’s proposed by Richard Schawtz in the psychological practice of Internal Family Systems (as described in “The Parable of the Parts”). With his approach too we can come to heal our shameful parts and to find our authentic, wholehearted selves.
Sadly, the habit of comparison is an easy trick to fall for. Today, this is even more true with the perpetual presence of social media, which provides us with infinite opportunities to do so. However, our human needs for fulfillment, belonging, and meaning can become twisted when we compare ourselves to others. These warped desires often are combined with a sense of shame about oneself. Nevertheless, futile consumption with comparison can become another burden in and of itself, since two human lives can never be compared side by side. In her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, Brené Brown shows that it is through seeking to live with courage, compassion, and connection that we are able to pursue an authentic and wholehearted lifestyle. Therein, our lives can be filled with a sense of belonging and creativity. For me, trying to lightheartedly acknowledge the simple things that I am not good at (e.g. being the navigator on a car ride, responding to group chats, remembering people’s names, keeping potted plants alive, harmonizing while singing, pronouncing German and French words, etc.) has made it easier for me to peacefully accept the permanent imperfections that I have had to deal with since my pediatric brain cancer diagnosis and treatment (i.e. left-side weakness and vision field cut, tinnitus, fatigue, etc.). As such, I have started to see these weaknesses as realities and tried to discover who I am in the midst of these life circumstances. Essentially, it is in being our authentic selves first that we can live wholeheartedly, and not the other way around. Brown puts it clearly that:
“Now I understand that in order to feel a true sense of belonging, I need to bring the real me to the table and that I can only do that if I’m practicing self-love. For years I thought it was the other way around: I’ll do whatever it takes to fit in, I’ll feel accepted, and that will make me like myself better.” (The Gifts of Imperfection)
By accepting that we are who we are (although we still ought to strive to grow in virtue), we do not have to ceaselessly try to become someone who we are not. We do not have to continually fight against our inherent imperfections, but can instead seek to develop our own unique gifts and talents as we continue on our journeys of becoming who we are meant to be.
