This Is Not What I Signed Up For: On Standing Up for Yourself When Life Knocks You Down
I believe that life is a marvelous mystery. The creation of life is one of the greatest goods in which we as humans can participate. We are all brought into this world at a certain time for a particular reason. Nonetheless, life still comes with many unexpected challenges and unanswered questions. That is a fact. As such, one which arises fairly frequently is: What do we do when life takes us down paths that are not what we thought that we had signed up for?
From four-and-a-half years old, I started to ask myself this query, although I did not phrase it that way at the time. The difficulty of enduring a pediatric brain cancer diagnosis, along with all of the treatments and long-term side effects that come with it, certainly has presented me with plenty of opportunities to ponder this problem. Additionally, I have repeatedly asked myself similar variations on the theme during the course of my life. From elementary, middle, and high school, through my undergraduate and graduate studies, and into my early career, I have witnessed plenty of examples of how these situations present themselves.
With the various challenges in my life, I haven taken on more and more weight from the seemingly never-ending burdensome blows that life has had in store. At times, I have fallen into the harmful habit of believing that everything that has happened to me is a reflection on me, or that it has been my responsibility to deal with all on my own. However, many times in our lives, the things that happen around us or to us are not our fault. Yes, we can get ourselves into difficult predicaments sometimes; but, usually illness, death, natural disasters, or the consequences of others’ choices and actions are all out of our control. The more that we believe that we are solely to blame for what happens to us, like Atlas, the more we will only be crushed under the weight of the world.
Unfortunately, no one will ever be able to tell us exactly how to live our lives. Especially in the trials of life, I wish that someone would be able to tell me what to expect or what steps to take. However, often even God does not tell us exactly what to do. Of course, He has given us the Beatitudes as a guide for living. But, no one is going to give us a daily instruction manual that we can simply obey for each momentary decision that we have to make.
Ultimately, I have come to see that it is not that we have to try to figure out God’s step by step plan for how to reach each next threshold in life according what He has predestined for us (e.g. finding the right college, career, vocation, relationships, missions, etc.). Rather, He invites us to live a certain way (e.g. the Beatitudes) and to co-create our lives with Him in this manner.
God, in His omnipotence, does know what we will do, but that does not mean that we have to live life trying to complete an unchanging checklist. We do not have to please God by striving to follow a precisely prophesied script for our lives. He is not looking down on us to see if we will do everything according to some divine game plan. This common perception may be based on a misguided sense of perfectionism that we impose on ourselves and our God’s expectations of us.
Instead, we make God happy by keeping His commandments and responding to His calls when He beckons us on certain missions (small and large, daily and life-changing). There is room for our freedom and His forgiveness. God recalculates His callings for us based on how we choose to respond to Him. Thankfully, we have a Father in heaven who is constantly pursuing us and fighting for us, as He so loves us that He “gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him might not perish but might have eternal life” (John 3:16).
There are many similar facts of life that are helpful tools to have along the way. Nonetheless, personally, although people have given me helpful advice throughout the years, I have simply still had to learn these realities through living. I hope to share here a few lessons that I’ve learned so far.
I. Set your expectations
Life is not predictable and people can be duplicitous.
The most predictable thing in life is that life is not predictable. It rarely follows the rules. No matter how much we plan and dream, curve balls will always come out of left field and smack us in the head. If you are like me and like things to follow patterns, so that you can know what to expect, the duplicity of life can be very frustrating. No matter how much we are promised that something will happen, there is still the likely chance that it will not (think Murphy’s Law). The path of life is as sure as the weather in Houston, Texas. We can never know for sure when the rain will pour or when the sun will shine. And, even if we do feel confident in our life’s upcoming forecast, it may still completely change in the blink of an eye.
Additionally, people can be duplicitous. They often say one thing and mean or do another. Or, they tell us one thing and then forget or they renege on what they said. It can shake our trust in others and the world when there are these double standards. Similarly, it can be disheartening when people assume that their perspective is right and do not even let us explain our side of the story. Especially when we are younger, it can be hard to know who to trust and who not to believe when we are told multiple “truths.” We may even fall into doubting our own perspective, which only leads to more confusion and disillusionment.
Nonetheless, all that we can do is do our best with the information that we have at each given moment. As long as we know why we are doing what we are doing and we know it to be the right thing to do, we do not need to worry. People may try to sway us or take us off course. But, if we are rooted in the Truth, we cannot as easily be pulled away from the right path.
However, there may come times when we need to forcefully stand up for ourselves. People will not always defend us. Especially when we are out there alone, we may have to be our own advocates. We ought to voice our own opinions, needs, and desires. If we do not, people may pass us by or run us over. However, the good news is that there are good souls out there who will help. All we have to do is ask.
Everyone has their own problems to deal with and most people do not have it all figured out.
Another enlightening truth that I have come to learn in life is that everyone is dealing with something. People have said this to me over and over again throughout life. But, it has taken me a long time to actually accept it. Having to deal with so much from such a young age myself has made me prideful and self-pitying. I have believed that not many others’ suffering can compare to mine. However, though one example of our suffering may be objectively more or less than that of someone else, subjectively, it may be just the same. Great thinkers, such as C.S. Lewis and Viktor Frankl, agree that one’s suffering cannot be compared to that of another. Based on our upbringings, worldviews, and life experiences, we each approach and deal with difficulties in our own ways.
What one has been through or is going through affects how they think, react, and speak. This is important to realize not only to help us stop comparing ourselves to others, but also to help us recognize that how people deal with their struggles affects how they interact with others. Many areas of psychology reveal to us that our daily decisions and actions are rooted in our past experiences with and current beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world. If someone reacts harshly to us, we ought to take a step back and remember that, likely, it was not intentional and that they are probably dealing with something beneath the surface. In all situations, we ought to give people the benefit of the doubt. In giving people the chance to share their side of the story, we can learn something new about them, ourselves, and the world. Only by communicating well, can we come to find better solutions to all of our problems.
Still, the older that we become, the more we may see that most people are faking it until they make it. Even those we idolize or those who seem to have it all together are struggling. Life is a process of learning (or, in the words of Mrs. Elm from The Midnight Library, “to learn is to live”). We can be educated by books, but we really have to practice to work towards perfection. But, life is hard because the situations and conditions are always changing. Life is change. The bad life is one in which we are resistant to growth; a good life is led by acknowledging our need for help and making our best effort to continually try again. We can take comfort in that we all have that struggle in common.
In spite of all of this, we must not blame ourselves for other people’s problems, failures, or shortcomings. We must be generous and kind, by giving people the benefit of the doubt. However, we must not go to the other extreme of being scrupulous or self-critical for something that is not our fault. As Aristotle teaches, virtue is in the middle. We must be charitable towards others, but we also must hold each other accountable.
As I have grown as an adult, I have learned over and over again that life is messy. It is important to know our roles and responsibilities in work, relationships, activities, etc., so as to not get confused and burnt out. However, it is a team effort and takes the buy-in of all those involved to do the same.
Not everyone will understand you or like you.
Human respect and approval can be a tempting need. However, the reality is that in this big world in which we live, there are very few people who can fully understand us or with whom we will get along very well. Many people will never be able to understand or will be offended by aspects of our lifestyle and worldview, which are both influenced by our upbringing. As we go through life, there are more and more experiences to add to our individual personalities and psyches. The same happens with everyone else. We all go down our own paths in life. Sometimes, we intersect with or walk alongside one another.
However, all of our thoughts, emotions, words, and actions are our own. Especially when we are in a new setting — a new job, a new city, or a new relationship — it can feel very isolating with no one around with whom we share much in common. With time, we can form bonds based on mutual experiences. Still, when our lives have been impacted by a significant event (e.g. an illness, death, natural disaster, lost job, broken relationship, etc.), not many people may be able to relate to or they may reject that part of us that is caught in that traumatic experience.
Additionally, it can be shocking to us when people do not see the world or react to situations in the same way that we do. As we grow older, our perspectives and habits become more cemented in our individual realities. It is a lot harder for us to step outside of them and form new ways of looking at the world as we age. Similarly, other people become fixed in their own perspectives and habits throughout their lives.
Nonetheless, it can be astounding to us when we are faced with the fact that people do not see and react to circumstances as we do. We may say things to them like, “How can you not see it this way?” or “Why would you react like that?” Most of the time, we may think that our way is the best or proper way, and others likely think the same. But, in truth, it is only by trying to mutually walk in the other person’s shoes that we can both learn to appreciate and live alongside our neighbor better.
Again, the most helpful thing in these moments is to understand these realities. We can strive so hard to gain others’ approval and acknowledgement or we can become so frustrated when others do not understand us. However, again, the majority of people in the world will not give us these comforts all of the time. Even family and friends can fail at doing it well, based on their own wounds and needs. But, if we try to live the best version of ourselves, despite what others think or say about us, then, we can live more authentically and rejoice more fully when we encounter those like-minded people who can relate to us and appreciate us for who we are.
You may not appreciate the value of something until it is gone (or you may not understand the lack of goodness in something until you have let it go).
Numerous times in life, I have taken things for granted. Whether it be a physical comfort or convenience, a friendship or relationship, or an opportunity of work or pleasure, once I have disregarded and discarded the opportunity, only then have I discovered that what I previously had was much better than the next place in which I have found myself. For example, after scarfing down a meal, I realize that if I had taken more time to eat my food, I would have been able to enjoy it more and I would not have a stomachache. Or, after breaking up a relationship, I wonder if maybe I had overlooked many good qualities in the other person, in light of a few differences or disagreements that we had. Or, when getting out of one difficult work role, I come to see that the challenges of my new position actually make the previous job look not so bad. In these situations, I believe that there are various aides to help us navigate the loss.
First, we have to know to trust others wiser and more experienced than us when they tell us to appreciate what we have. Our parents, friends, and mentors may tell us to hold onto a certain opportunity, relationship, or occupation because we are very lucky to have found it. If they are being genuine, we ought to listen to them, unless we want to risk losing what we have and regretting it.
If someone, and especially if multiple different people, advise us against doing something, we should definitely stop and think before we act. There may be a good that we will unknowingly lose or a danger that we will imprudently risk. People who have made the same mistake before often know from experience what we are attempting to do. The reality is that the grass is not always greener on the other side (i.e. every person and situation has some fault or imperfection) and that just because something is difficult or uncomfortable does not mean that we should abandon it altogether (especially when it comes to relationships with other people).
But, unfortunately, sometimes we can only learn through loss or failure. Even though people may try to guide us in one direction, experience is the best instruction. Like a kid who touches the stove or a teenager who stubbornly goes against their parent’s admonition, sometimes, we have to learn by doing the wrong thing or failing.
Additionally, it can go the other way — that it takes letting go of something to realize the harm that it is doing to us. For example, it may be only by letting go of a toxic relationship, job, or hobby that we realize how negatively it has been affecting us and how many goods we can instead receive. It can be especially disappointing when we thought that we were pursuing something good, but it turned out to be quite deceiving. However, sometimes it may take our dreams to be shattered for us to wake up to reality again. Still, it can make us wonder why that door could not have just been shut from the start. But, sometimes, the only way to learn a lesson is to live it, and we may be meant to learn something specific through a particular process of change that we could not come to understand otherwise.
Nonetheless, once a certain ship in life has sailed, although we do need to mourn its loss or difficulty, we cannot remain in melancholy forever. Regret is a sadly satisfying feeling. It draws us deeper and deeper into self-pity, deceitfully promising to fill the void of that loss.
In reality, the only thing that can help us to recover is to fill the vacuum with another good. The truth is that all things happen for a reason, though it may not be clear at the time. Even if we are drawn off course by our own or another’s bad decisions, if we dedicate ourselves toward the good, even evils can become complex goods (as I detail in “In Atonement for Our Sins and Those of the Whole World: Offering Suffering as Reparation for the Misuse of Free Will”).
The grass will alway seem greener on the other side, but it rarely is.
Additionally, we should remember that the grass will always seem greener on the other side. There will always be something that seems to be better than what we currently have — whether it be a car, house, job, vacation, relationship, etc. However, these too will inevitably have some defect or they will never completely fill us. As such, we have to realistically ask ourselves if we want to tire ourselves with constantly chasing after the next fleeting pleasure or if we want to make the most of our current situation and find the goodness in it.
Along with that comes gratitude in the present moment (as I note in “Contentment in the Present Moment” and “Our Daily Bread: Reflecting on Our Desolation in Times of Consolation”). Only once we slow down and start to appreciate the good in everything, especially the challenges and discomforts, can we begin to see the value in what we currently have. Only then, can we be happy with ourselves and our situations.
This also involves being realistic about our limitations, but being open to growth and change. We cannot be pleased with ourselves if we continually push ourselves past our limits. If we live in this way, we will only exhaust ourselves all the more. Being honest with ourselves and others about our weaknesses is a sign of humility and kindness.
Of course, we should always try to improve ourselves and strive to be more virtuous. Additionally, we should always live to help those in need around us. But, when we fall into greed, jealousy, or self-pity, we ought to replace these instead with trust, honesty, and gratitude.
II. Set your boundaries
People do not know what you have gone through or what you are going through unless you tell them.
One of the hardest things for me to do throughout my life has been to ask for help. I guess it started early on. Possibly, it was out of a hatred of having to ask for so much help as a pediatric brain cancer survivor that I developed a resistance toward doing so later in life. More so, I think that it was a defense mechanism that I developed to protect myself against the risk of others finding out about my limitations. When I was younger, I often felt left out because of my baldness, limp, vision loss, and left-sided weakness, such that I believed that if I did not ask for help, then no one would see that I was different than everyone else because of my disabilities. This developed into me pursuing many difficult paths in life without asking for much, if any, help at all. However, I would only be worn down further and further throughout the years.
Additionally, I believe part of it was out of a defiance toward the whole of my limitations. I have had to deal with them 24/7 for almost 25 years. I know intimately how they affect my life. Having to explain that to others over and over again is exhausting. Asking for help has been another way of having to do just that. So, I have resorted to simply doing most things all on my own because I do not want to have to explain my struggles to another person for the umpteenth time. Additionally, I have been conditioned to believe that no one can ever fully understand what it is like to live with my disabilities anyway. So, I have thought to myself, “What is the point of trying to explain anyway?”
Similarly, I have seen learning to ask for help as just another thing that I have to add to my already overflowing list of to-do’s and self-improvements. I had spent the first part of my life becoming so independent. Now, I have had to undo it all to learn how to ask for help. In a way, I have felt as if doing so discredits my younger self for all of the hard things that I had to go through on my own when I was younger.
I have also spent so much of my life telling myself that my physical limitations are my own responsibility. However, I have come to find out that if we do not tell people about the limitations with which we live or the stress which we are under, then no one can know how to help. There is a vulnerability required in asking for assistance. People may see through our façades and into our weaknesses and failures; but, they can also better come to understand the unequal situations in life with which we have to deal. I have come to learn that people are usually more than willing to listen and to help, if only we ask.
Still, part of me has also always had resistance toward complaining. I was raised with very much a “pick-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps” mindset. At times, complaining has seemed to me like being ungrateful, weak, or unproductive. Additionally, through my own experiences, I have seen that even when we do complain, many times, things still do not change. So, I have again thought to myself, “What’s the point of complaining anyways?” and instead lowered my brow and forged ahead on my own.
However, I have come to see that, unfortunately, often the squeaky wheel gets the grease, as the saying goes. We need to stand up for ourselves if we want people to get out of their perspectives and take some steps in our own shoes. Sometimes, only then are they able to realize that we need help and that they are able to try to provide it.
It may be irritating that people do not instinctively realize what we are going through at times (though we personally know the details all too well). However, some people can just be oblivious to the struggles of others, or what they are dealing with clouds their own perspectives so much that they are unaware of that through which we are going.
This process of learning to ask for help takes being upfront and honest with ourselves and others about our limitations. It makes it much easier and avoids a lot of burnout. We do not have to hold ourselves to the standards that we exaggeratedly imagine that others are holding us to. We do not have to hold ourselves to higher standards than we can be expected to achieve.
People can be self-centered.
Unfortunately, still, most people are self-centered, to some extent. This is one of the reasons why people do not know what we go through unless we tell them. They have enough problems in their own microcosms that they often do not focus too closely on our own issues, unless we make our voices heard. Others are often so consumed by their own worlds that they do not pay attention to our needs, unless we make them known. Or, other times, they are too scared to ask if we need help that they keep quiet. In the end, it creates a catch-22 situation, where one side is afraid to ask for help and the other is kept from offering it.
This conundrum can be relieving in some situations because it reminds us that others are not as attentive to our faults and weaknesses as we are. As the saying goes, we are usually our own toughest critics. Contrarily, it can be frustrating because when we are struggling, we have to make the extra effort to go out of our way to ask for help. Nonetheless, in the words of Brené Brown, being “clear is kind.” Being upfront with others is beneficial to both ourselves and others in the long run.
People may not be held to or may not hold themselves to the same standards that you are or do yourself.
Furthermore, people frequently do not hold themselves to the same standards that we do, nor are they held accountable to the extent to which we think that they should be. Especially when we are raised on strong principles, we may come to realize that much of the world is not as similarly privileged.
Due to the fall of the family in modern society, people may be raised to look after themselves first and to seek that which is quickest, easiest, and most comfortable. Additionally, people may try to cheat the system to achieve these ends. Even when we try our hardest to live conscientiously and with integrity, we cannot control the selfish actions of others around us.
The biggest help is to realize that this is unfortunately the reality. If we do not, we may become easily discouraged about how unfair the world is. But, if we take these principles as a given, we can start to live with a lighter mindset, doing our best in our given life circumstances and helping others to do the same.
People can take advantage of your generosity, work ethic, and virtues.
Furthermore, I have experienced that if we are hard working and strive to be virtuous, people may take advantage of our good character. Unfortunately, people not doing their part in group projects does not go away after we graduate from school. If we positively fill the gap in any negative situation, people will depend upon us. However, it may become the reality that they start to dump their responsibilities on us more, since we seem to be able to handle it all so well.
Many times, I have simply endured in similar situations. I have fallen into my conditioned perspective that my lifelong crosses are inevitable and that there is nothing to be done to improve my situation — that it is just the way it is and that the people or the situation will never change. Every similar experience can hammer in that belief for each of us.
Unfortunately, the truth is that nobody is perfect (or “pobody’s nerfect”). This is important to remember when we begin a new relationship, job, or activity. It can save us a lot of frustration and confusion to know that other people’s limitations are not our fault (though that does not mean that we should not strive to always be charitable toward others).
It is not fair; but, often, we may interact, work, or live with people who do not have the same standards as we do. Unfortunately, I have come to see that life is just tough in that regard. It is unjust and often takes advantage of those who try to do the right thing. Knowing that this is the truth can take the bite away a bit more. Nonetheless, this realization should not deter us from living with integrity.
Creating reasonable boundaries is of the utmost importance.
One of my biggest takeaways from reading the book simply titled Boundaries (by Henry Cloud and John Townsend) is the idea of taking responsibility for our lives. As you may have noticed, I have felt that I have had to carry a lot of responsibility throughout my life. When I was reading this book, however, I was slightly offended that the authors kept on mentioning that setting boundaries is taking responsibility for our life choices. I thought to myself, “Have I not been taking on enough responsibility in my life already, even to an extreme, perhaps?”
However, what I came to understand is that in setting good boundaries, we actually take better responsibility for our lives, by knowing when and how to protect ourselves from overdoing it. If we know our dignity and worth, and work hard to defend our rights and needs, then, we truly are taking responsibility for ourselves and for others. By knowing the proper boundaries in different settings — in relationships, at work, during social situations, etc. — everyone can get along better and work toward becoming the best version of themselves.
Briefly, there are four types of people with regards to boundaries. There are the compliant — who feels guilty and/or controlled by others and has trouble setting boundaries, the avoidant — who sets boundaries against receiving care from others, the nonresponsive — who sets boundaries against the responsibility to love others, and the controller — who aggressively or manipulatively violates the boundaries of others. One can belong to one of these individual categories or they can be a combination (i.e. a compliant avoidant or a nonresponsive controller). The compliant avoidant always say “yes” and openly offers to help others, but has trouble accepting assistance from people. Contrarily, the nonresponsive controller demands much from those around them and is stingy when it comes to providing help. These characterizations have been enlightening for me in a variety of settings, including work, family life, friendships, social settings, etc. I would highly recommend looking further into the above book and this area of psychology.
III. Set your course.
When you get knocked down, it is okay to stay there for a little while, but you must get back up again.
Throughout life, it is vitally important for us to acknowledge our hurt. If we keep ignoring the trauma of life’s injuries, we will only allow it to fester all the more. Rather, by feeling our emotions in the moment and processing our thoughts earlier on, we can start to heal our wounds before they are allowed to rot. Also, we may have to periodically return to those thoughts and feelings when they come up later in life. Ignoring them will do no one any good. It is like letting the pressure out of a gauge. By opening the valve from time to time, our inner turmoil is not allowed to build up as much. Therefore, we can go through life a little more smoothly.
However, once we have given ourselves some time, we must begin again. Finding some way to lift ourselves up — whether it be by the support of family, friends, or coworkers or by running toward a source of meaning in faith, community, service, hobbies, etc. — we can start back on the journey of life. And, when we encounter another struggle, we can be encouraged by the reminder of the past valleys that we have made it through before.
Actually, getting knocked down should give us joy and hope because it can indicate to us that we are approaching the threshold of change (as I highlight in “Crossing the Liminal Space”). Again and again, we ought to take on the perspective of seeing these setbacks as opportunities for growth, instead of staying fixed in our old ways. The more that we get knocked down, the more easily we will be able to realize that we are in this liminal space again the next time. Eventually, we can become more open to change, instead of ignoring or resisting it, by recognizing its knock on the door more readily.
It can be difficult to know which way to go forward.
One of the biggest uncertainties in life is knowing if we are even going down the right path in the first place. Especially when the going gets rough, we can start to question if it is challenging because it is a good thing that requires a worthwhile struggle or if it is difficult because it is the wrong choice altogether. It may be compared to the difference between a salmon that is meant to journey upstream to complete its life’s course versus a fish that is relentlessly trying to swim in the wrong direction, against its true nature.
The process of figuring out the correct path is called discernment. There are endless resources on this topic, but I will only touch on a few salient points. St. Ignatius of Loyola may be one of the most well known authors on discernment. One of his main principles is to not make any rash decisions in times of either desolation (“lows”) or consolation (“highs”) because the emotions of these times can cloud our intellect from discerning the right decision.
Making the correct choice also requires a well-formed conscience (that inner voice of right or wrong). Only if we first know what is right or wrong can we come to find the proper path. In the end, it comes down to the common saying, “pray, hope, and don’t worry.” Through prayer and guidance by a mentor or counselor, we can come to discern through the noises and distractions of the world to find the way that we are supposed to go to become the best version of ourselves.
Additionally, if you are a person of faith, it is important to remember that God may not always give a clear, immediate answer to our prayers. In his Searching for and Maintaining Peace, Jacques Philippe writes that, “it may happen that the Lord does not respond to us. And this is completely normal. Sometimes, He simply leaves us free and sometimes, for reasons of His own, He does not manifest Himself.” He goes on to reveal how this can actually be an opportunity for growing in confidence and abandonment by acting out of one’s best intentions and good will, trusting that God will make good out of their actions. Too, he tells of how this mindset can manifest “true humility and a true love of God” when one accepts the fact that they are wrong and that others may see their weaknesses and faults.
To be clear, I am by no means an expert in this. I am still trying to learn how to apply these ideas to my own life as well. However, what I do know is that it can be very easy to become paralyzed by the decision of which way to go. We can often delay moving in any direction at all because we get caught up in considering all of the consequences of every possible outcome. However, as many people have said before, the best cure anxiety is action. All that we have to do is make the best decision with the available information at the time and take one step down that path. Only by giving it a try can we know what it is really like (i.e. “you never know until you try”). And, if something does not work out, there is always the option to redirect our course or to retrace our steps back to the drawing board.
Honestly, it is often taking the first step that is the most difficult. No matter how challenging is the task at hand, it almost always gets at least a little easier after the initial apprehension lessens. Once we realize that we can actually do whatever we are attempting to do, it significantly cuts the pressure. It may not completely go away — the goal may still be challenging — but, at least we have one step under our belt and we can steadily keep on putting one foot in front of the other.
Another thing to remember is that not everything that everyone recommends will always work out in our individual situations. It can be disillusioning when we try to take someone’s advice, but it does not work for us, especially if it comes from someone that we trust or respect. However, that just means that there is a different, better solution out there for us to find. Sometimes, we just have to chart our own course.
This pursuit also includes the reality that we will fail at times. Sometimes, the only way to change is to fail, get back up, and try again in a new way. The good news is that there is always the promise of another form of goodness to come, although it may not be in the same way or at the exact time that we expect it.
Lastly, we must remember that change takes time. Looking back, our life’s course or the reason that something happened can seem obvious. However, that is rarely the case when we are passing through a time of change. As C.S. Lewis writes in Mere Christianity,
“When the most important things in our life happen we quite often do not know, at the moment, what is going on . . . It is often only when [one] looks back that he realizes what has happened and recognizes it as what people call ‘growing up.’”
Therefore, when we are in the midst of a struggle, we ought to remember that it takes time to understand the “why’s” of life (as I discuss in “Only Time Will Tell: Time As the Best Medicine”). Additionally, we must not rush the process, but learn to be patient with ourselves and with others.
Unfortunately, or fortunately, you are the only one who can take responsibility for your life.
In the end, we are the only one who can make the decisions and take the steps down the road that life puts in front of us. When I have come to many crossroads in life, people have told me, “I cannot decide or do it for you.” I hate that phrase. In my young life, I have already had to decide and do so many difficult things on my own, when no one has been able to give me the proper guidance (since, sadly, living life as a long-term pediatric brain cancer survivor is such a rare thing and very few people know how to respond to my particular challenges). Anytime another struggle comes up and someone says this to me, it can be infuriating and exhausting because I feel as if I have to go in at it alone yet again.
However, as I have described before, that is a reality of life. Depending on how we look at it, it may be another burden of responsibility, or it may be a great opportunity. In the words of Viktor Frankl, “the last of the human freedoms is to choose one’s attitude” toward any given situation (as I expound upon in “Taking Control of Your Suffering: Finding Meaning in Versus Giving Meaning to Your Crosses”). I believe that by setting proper expectations and boundaries, we can find the best way to take action in our lives. Still, this is much easier said than done, and it may take a long time of trial and error to set the proper expectations and boundaries in our particular life situations.
Nonetheless, we can and must live with faith, hope, and trust that all things eventually work for the good, if we try to do our best in this life (as I mention in “Omnia Cooperantur in Bonum: On Faith, Hope, and Trust”). It takes being kind to ourselves and others, by acknowledging our weakness and forgiving our faults, so that we can continually begin again and take another step on our life journeys.
Life does not always have to be difficult and stubbornness is never the answer.
One of the biggest lessons in life that I am still learning is that life does not have to be intentionally difficult. Occam’s razor — the principle that the simplest solution is the best solution — comes to mind here. We do not have to over-complicate things in our lives. For myself, I have come to see that maybe I pursue difficult courses in life because life has always been an uphill battle for me; without that challenge, I do not know if I would know what to do.
More realistically, the perpetual push forward has allowed me to focus on the future, instead of making peace with my past. I have always realized that when I have been forced to slow down — on vacation, during the holidays, or in times of transition — heavy memories and intense emotions are always more easily able to spring up. Maybe, I frequently accept new challenges because they allow me to avoid acknowledging my hurt, weaknesses, limitations, and faults.
Likewise, I believe that my approach to life at times has been a sort of resigned stubbornness. When it seems like bad things keep happening again and again, it can become easy to believe that entrenching ourselves alone in the battle against life’s difficulties is the only way to survive. In this sense, I am reminded of the research of Martin Seligman on learned helplessness. The words of Dylan Thomas, “Rage, rage against the dying of the light” or Samuel Beckett, “I must go on, I can’t go on, I’ll go on,” are also good examples of this sentiment. They all get to the theme of resigned resistance against the harshness of the world.
However, it is only when we honestly accept all of who we are — our talents and our weaknesses — that we can joyfully receive from others and generously give ourselves back to the world. When we allow ourselves to slow down, reflect, and share with others, we are in effect standing up for what we deserve — to be known and supported as the broken human beings in need of help that we all are.
There is always a positive way forward.
The most important thing to remember is that there is always a positive way forward. When we begin to realize that our life is not that for which we thought that we had signed up or hoped for, it can be easy to become hopeless and despondent. However, we always have a choice. Even if we may be stuck between a rock and a hard place, there is always the option of deciding what we think and how we respond. Additionally, there is always the ability to ask for help, in some way, shape, or form. We must not let ourselves become caught in an always/never mentality (as I describe in “From Darkness to Light: The Allegory of the Cave and Getting Out of Your Head”).
There are many additional applicable psychological insights in areas such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Internal Family Systems, Logotherapy, Positive Psychology, Resiliency, Reframing, and Wholeheartedness. Numerous books, in addition to the ones already mentioned, including The Choice by Edith Eger, He Leadeth Me by Fr. Walter Ciszek and Fr. Daniel Flaherty, The Gift of Peace by Joseph Cardinal Bernardin, The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown, The Gospel of Happiness by Jeff Kaczor, Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl, No Bad Parts by Richard Schwartz, and Option B by Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant, are just a few examples that barely scratch the surface of resources that are out there for us all to find help.
One of the most helpful tools that I have found is to simply speak my fears or frustrations. Whether it be to a trusted friend, family member, mentor, or colleague, or even just speaking them to ourselves in the mirror; once we get our worries and angers out of our heads, they are a lot less controlling. Again, all we have to do is ask for someone to give us their ear to listen. Then, we can all work toward a positive solution.
Life will knock us down from time to time. We may become particularly disillusioned when our dreams are disappointed or we are deceived by the world. Though people may talk about these above realities as hypothetical principles, the truth is that life is the best teacher. We can really only learn by living. It takes a long time, but if we continue to keep on getting up and trying again, over the years, we may be surprised to see how much headway we can actually make. Three important approaches in this pursuit are setting your expectations, setting your boundaries, and setting your course.
Setting realistic expectations helps you to prepare you for the journey. It is important to remember that life is not predictable and that people can be duplicitous. Additionally, everyone has their own problems to deal with and most people do not have it all figured out. Not everyone will understand you or like you either. Similarly, you may not appreciate the value of something until it is gone (or you may not understand the lack of goodness in something until you have let it go). Lastly, the grass alway seems greener on the other side.
Setting clear boundaries helps to protect and support you on your course. The reality is that people do not know what you have gone through or what you are going through unless you tell them. Unfortunately, people can be self-centered. As well, they may not be held to or may not hold themselves to the same standards that you are or do yourself. And, they can take advantage of your generosity, work ethic, and virtues. Therefore, creating reasonable boundaries is of the utmost importance.
Setting your course, continually adjusted by the above realities, is the best way forward. When you get knocked down, it is okay to stay there for a little while; but, you must get back up again. Many times, it can be difficult to know which way to go forward. However, unfortunately, or fortunately, you are the only one who can take responsibility for your life. Nonetheless, life does not always have to be difficult and stubbornness is never the answer. Most importantly, the integral truth is that there is always a positive way out.
