From a young age, a question that used to haunt me was this: “Why do bad things happen to good people?” Well, I’m not going to attempt to answer that question with you or for you today. However, I do have three lessons about suffering that I’ve learned from my own life experiences, and I hope that they may inspire or encourage you too.

Before I move on, I would like to touch on two things: Firstly, I will be sharing about things that are deeply personal and delicate, like abuse, trauma and mental health. Secondly, what I’m about to share with you is but one of many stories I’ve lived through. It is not the story of my life. It’s not all there is about me. And to those who might also be struggling or dealing with past traumas, I want you to know that I see you, I feel you, and I want to remind you that you are so much more than what had happened in the past.

Backstory

The crucifixion of Christ proves that bad things CAN happen to good people — people who deserve better. Today we see injustice and suffering happening in all parts of the world. It’s on the news for all to witness, and it happens behind closed doors, in spaces that nobody knows. Yes, suffering is part and parcel of this life we have here on earth, whether one dares to acknowledge it, embrace it, or not. Suffering is in every generation.

In Cole Arthur Riley’s book This Here Flesh, she details her grandmother’s harrowing childhood, one that involved abandonment and loss at a very young age, and also sexual abuse. Later in the book, Cole confesses to her grandmother that they are “the same” — meaning that Cole herself was also a victim of sexual abuse when she was a child.

This past January, Cole Arthur Riley was actually in town for a book tour, and I had the pleasure of meeting her at City Church San Francisco. I was so excited to get my book autographed by her. What I wasn’t expecting was that the encounter would turn into an emotional one.

When it was my turn to meet her, our eyes met, and my heart dropped to my stomach. I handed her my book and my eyes started to water. And that’s when I told her, “We are the same. What happened to you and your grandmother happened to me too.”

In my book, Cole wrote, “Your story is sacred.” You know, before Cole told me that my story is sacred, I saw what happened to me as a child as the biggest and dirtiest secret of my life. I would think to myself, NOBODY can ever know about it. I am telling no one. Not even my husband, Jason. And definitely not God.

But the thing about keeping secrets is that you need to feed them to keep them quiet. What I mean by that is that it takes a lot of energy to suppress what you don’t want to come up from the inside — what you don’t want to think about, what you don’t want to feel. The worst part is that the more you feed your secret, the more it grows, the stronger it becomes, the bigger its appetite gets, and the more it will ask of you. It is truly a vicious cycle. Before I knew it, I was thinking about what happened to me as a child every morning when I looked at myself in the mirror. The more I tried to push it down, the more it would rise up.

In September of 2023, everything finally came crashing down when I had a physical and mental breakdown. I hit rock bottom like I’ve never hit before. I became physically ill, but it felt like I was dying from something else. My soul tasted total despair and the complete loss of hope. I didn’t know if tomorrow’s gonna come. It was an absolutely terrifying experience.

It was in the abyss of my overwhelming pain and suffering, in what truly felt like death, that God came to me, saying,

“I know. And I am here with you.”

The first thing I’ve learned about Suffering is that it humbles you.

Suffering is humbling. It taught me that no amount of fame, money, or success can soothe the hurt and pain or make them go away. Those things are simply coverups.

And while I was spending so much energy suppressing what’s going on internally, I was also spending an equal amount of energy building a persona on the outside — a version of Nigel who WASN’T sexually abused when he was a child. This version of Nigel who is perfect, like nothing in his life has ever gone wrong. I was thinking to myself: If my life wasn’t perfect then, at least I can make it perfect now. Nobody needs to know about what happened in the past. All I need to focus on is building the new me.

This version of me I created gave me a sense of control over my internal storm. However, if there’s one thing you should know about control is that it is addictive as it is an illusion. Soon, my craving for control made me justify the lies I would tell others, as well as the lies I would tell myself about who I am.

Eventually, just like a Jenga tower, there will come a point where this strong and “perfect” exterior falls apart, and what you’re left with is the truth — your humble truth.

The second thing I learned is that Suffering is where Grace enters.

What happens when your life comes crashing down? When you lose all control, topple over and fall? In my deepest failing and despair, I had an encounter with God.

The truth is, God has always been there, we just don’t know it. Or for some of us, we don’t like to acknowledge it. Like a willful kid who says, “Mom, Dad, I got this. Do not interfere! I don’t need your help!” Oftentimes we like to keep help at a distance to prove to ourselves (and to others) our own strength and capabilities. We prefer the outcome of us saying, “Look at me, I got what it takes. I’m strong enough. I’m good enough as I am.”

When you keep help at a distance, well, help stays there. When you keep God at a distance, God stays there. However, the moment you let go, the moment you say, “I can’t keep up this anymore, I can’t handle this on my own any longer…” — that’s when God says,

“Well, NOW I can.”

How many times we hear in prayers these words, “IF God’s willing”? What if I tell you today: Yes, God IS willing. God has always been willing. The real question is, are you? Are you willing to open up that part of you that holds so much guilt, shame and blame? Are you willing to set aside your ego, that persona you’ve created to impress other people and to justify your own worth? Are you willing to surrender control? Would you ask for help?

Even if you were to do it awkwardly, and say, “Hey God, are you there? Can you hear me? There’s this thing that I need to talk to you about.”

I love the story of the prodigal son. In the story, a son demanded his inheritance from his father, only to run away and then spend it all. At his rock bottom, in complete shame and self-defeat, the son decided to return home. The son said to himself that he would be glad to just be a servant in his father’s house when he returns. Luke 15:20 says, “But when he was yet a great way off, his father saw him, and had compassion, and ran, and fell on his neck, and kissed him.”

Notice that it is the father who ran to the son. It is the father who went the distance, and not the other way. So I want you to know that likewise, God is willing — God has always been willing. He is patiently and eagerly waiting for you to ask, to seek, to knock on His door.

Last but not least, I’ve learned that Suffering in life is unavoidable… but there’s more.

You know how they like to say, “Hurt people hurt people.” While that is true, from my experience you can put a bunch of “good” people in a room and somebody can still get hurt. Good people hurt people too. You can be a good person and still hurt somebody else, maybe because you drew some boundaries, or because you spoke your truth, or because you simply lost your temper.

On top of being hurt by good people, terrible things and horrible people can happen to us in life — sickness, abuse, sexual abuse, discrimination, exclusion, bullying, or senseless violence.

People who are pessimists would say, “Well, this is life.” But life isn’t just these things, is it? If suffering in life is unavoidable, I argue that Goodness is inevitable as well. If suffering is unavoidable, Goodness too is for sure, certain, and bound to happen!

Because we have a Creator who is supremely good, loving and gracious. Our faith in God gives us hope, and that hope is resilient. That hope is you picking yourself up time and again after being beaten down. That hope is you looking for beauty amidst what seems to be utter destruction and falling apart. That hope helps us stay curious and expectant — saying:

“Where is the silver lining in this? Let me find it.”

So yes, life has its challenges and terrible moments, but our faith tells us that even the darkest of nights shall pass, and joy comes in the morning. The story of Jesus’ excruciating and humiliating death, and his glorious resurrection serves as a reminder that what feels like death can actually be a rebirth, a new beginning, a fresh start.

As the proverb says, “Out of the ashes, we rise.” Therefore, if pain, suffering and heartache feel close to you right now, let me assure you that God is even closer.

Conclusion

Let’s go back to the question I started us with: Why do bad things happen to good people?

Well, I’ve learned that while it is important for us to ask the hard and difficult questions in life about life (instead of avoiding them), at the same time, NOT ALL questions are created equal — some questions help us get through life better than others.

Instead of asking, “Why did that thing have to happen to me?” or “Why did that person hurt me?”, perhaps it is more helpful to ask yourself:

“Can I acknowledge what happened to me?”

Can I acknowledge how I’m feeling about it right now?
Am I open to talking to someone about it, or seeking professional help, instead of trying to be my own therapist in my own head?

You are not alone in whatever you’re going through, and you don’t have to do it all by yourself.

Jesus says in Matthew 28–30, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

“Why do bad things happen to good people?” Perhaps the better question to ask is:

“In spite of all that had happened to me, can I still love?”

Can I still let somebody else love me?
In spite of everything that had happened to me, can I still forgive, or ask for forgiveness?”

On the cross, Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”

We have a God who has shown us that it CAN be done. That there is A LIGHT inside you that no darkness can steal or hide. No suffering, no horrible act, no abuse, no mishap or mistake can change or counteract the Divine Goodness that is already IN YOU.

In closing, I thank God for His light, and for my light. I thank God for my ongoing healing. For those who are holding on to painful truths or burdened by heavy stories, I pray for your healing too.

I pray that you too will be set free, and that one day your past shall no longer be a secret but a sacred story of beauty from ashes. For who the Lord sets free, is free indeed!

Over the weekend, I attended a book launch conversation for Cole Arthur Riley’s new book, Black Liturgies. I’ve just finished Cole’s first book, This Here Flesh, and was deeply moved by her poetic style of writing and the very personal accounts shared, so I couldn’t miss the chance to see her in the flesh (pun intended) and hear more from her.

After the interview, while Cole was still on stage dismantling her mic setup, I plucked up the courage to walk up to her with my copy of This Here Flesh in hand for a signing. However, someone else got to her first, and slowly, a line began to form behind me. While I waited for my turn, I was formulating my question for her, trying to make it as concise and easy to understand as possible so I wouldn’t take up too much time. Cole included very intimate details about her and her family’s history in This Here Flesh, and as a writer who finds it a great challenge and emotional hurdle to decide how much is too much for me to share about me and my life with the world, I would love to hear her advice.

When the person in front of me was done, I stepped forward to greet Cole and passed her my copy of This Here Flesh, which she seemed very delighted to see. I told her I’ll go get a copy of Black Liturgies later for sure, but this, this book is the one that really spoke to me and introduced her as a writer to me. *pause* *deep breath* Suddenly, before I could go on with the question I had prepared for her, a rapid swell of emotions arose within me. Before I could take another breath to stay in control, tears were streaming down my face.

The funny thing is, I seemed to be the one more surprised by the outburst of emotions than Cole, as she remained kindly patient, and very grounded, which allowed me much space to feel my feelings and then recollect myself. I, of course, then apologized, to which she reassured me that it’s okay.

Then I said to her, what happened to you, happened to me too.

I replayed that scene of me crying — openly, publicly, in the presence of people I don’t know— several times in my head after. It seems like public crying has become a thing for me, ever since I attended the Queer Christian Fellowship Conference earlier this month, where I cried more times in front of strangers over those three days than I had cried in years. Public display of raw emotions was never a thing for me; I blame it to childhood trauma and pride. I suppose it’s not thing for most people. But something has changed in me.

I was standing in the shower, letting the hot steam clear my head, when it came to me — this is what healing is. In my mind, it was like a light bulb got turned on, illuminating the things that I’ve been grappling with in the dark for the longest time. Immediately, I knew that I have discovered a missing piece to the puzzle I’m solving.

The truth of the matter is, I’ve been doing all I can and know to do to heal. I recognize now that I have some big T traumas to try to resolve. A couple of months back I finally started psychotherapy, which helps a great deal, more than I expected. Okay, check. I sought professional help for my ADHD and anxiety, got on medication to help with my symptoms. Check. I tirelessly consume self-help books and seek knowledge on my own. I pay attention to my diet and physical fitness. I go to an affirming church and partake in the amazing community that it offers. Check, check, check. Yet, even with all that, I was still having this nagging feeling of missing the bullseye. What is it that I not doing? Deep down, I knew that there’s something more that’s missing.

Meeting with Cole face-to-face gave me a new clarity to what it is that my healing requires. My soul desires to be seen, heard and understood, but not just by any or everybody, but by another who had suffered the same way as I did. To know that there is someone who’s fighting the same battles as you, and that you’re not alone in your present day dealings of past traumas, is indescribably comforting. When I stared into Cole’s eyes, it felt like my soul was telling her, I see you, and her soul tells me back, I see you too.

When you let another soul know that they are not alone in their suffering, in a way, it’s like you letting your inner child know that they are not alone too. It’s a multi-directional kind of healing.

Healing comes when you allow yourself to exist wholly, and not partially. I think today’s encounter taught me that I can be as one — I can bring all of me to the table, not just the parts of me that are “perfect” or “good enough for public consumption.” I can be me who’s strong, and also me who’s in pain, both at the same time. I can be me who’s present, dreaming of a future, and me who’s still stuck in the past. I don’t have to be just one thing. I don’t have to make up my mind. I am allowed to go back and forth, without passing judgment on which direction means progress and which means failure, which side of me is good and which side isn’t.

Come to think of it, the tears I cried in public didn’t feel like tears of sadness or joy. They’re more so… tears of wholeness. They had blessed me with a quick glimpse of what it means and feels to be whole and be present with others as my true, complete self. Now I know that those teary moments are glimmers too. They are the assurance that I am doing the work.

The saltiness is proof that you’re at sea. Just keep swimming.

I never knew that meeting someone who had been through the same trauma would effect such a profound impact on me. I think God is trying to show me that when survivors recognize each other and band together, there is strength in numbers.

I had always thought that to heal from my past wounds, I have to work towards the end goal of confronting my oppressors and the perpetrators of the abuse. I must find or develop the courage to demand for their attention and apology. But that’s not the whole truth, nor the only way to healing.

It’s not about how many times I can forgive, or how many apologies I receive. Perhaps the way forward, well, isn’t going back to the places where it happened, or back to the people who hurt me. Perhaps the way to healing from the old is taking a step forward to meet with someone new, and say, “What happened to you, happened to me too.”

Hi, I’m an average-looking, twenty-something gay guy who hopes to get into a long-term relationship. However, it’s difficult for me to get dates because of my body size. You see, I’m 5'9 and weigh over 200lbs. When guys online — Grindr and etc. — see a full-body picture of me, they either ghost me or openly tell me that I’m “not their type.” In the past I would probe further. Is it because I’m Asian? Is it because of my size? But now I just can’t be bothered anymore. Well, I know the guys who were straight forward with me didn’t mean harm; they’re just being honest with their expectations. Nonetheless, it hurt. And even now when I think back, it still hurts a little.

Do I like what I see in the mirror? Well, yes and no. You see, I had tried to lose weight. When I was in my early twenties, I was actually 40–50lbs lighter. Over the years, I just got bigger and bigger, and before I knew it, it’d become so hard for me to find dates, even random hook-ups. So two years ago I told myself that I should try to slim down, to go back to how I was. I started on a strict diet and a serious workout regime. I would hit the treadmill for at least an hour every day, before moving on to the weights and the machines. I stopped eating unhealthy stuff like fast food and tried to keep my meals plain.

Sadly, I didn’t come to enjoy the process. I didn’t become a gym rat or an enthusiastic health freak. I just ain’t the sporty and athletic sort. And who likes constantly count calories anyway? Nonetheless I managed to drop over 30lbs in a couple of months. Of course there was this sense of achievement. However, I realised that I wasn’t happy at all. I constantly felt like I wasn’t doing enough and had to do more. I hated facing the fact that I must go through more pain and self-torture and self-restrain to become this “better” version of myself. Then an epiphany hit me:

Why the hell am I doing this? And who am I doing this for? Why do I have to live by the superficial standards of the community? Why should I strive to be like everybody else? Do I really want to be a slim twink? Or a muscle jock? Would I be truly happy when I’m finally seen as datable or fuckable by other men?

I had become so overly critical of myself and my body and it only made my self-esteem issues worse. Thank goodness I didn’t develop anorexia or bulimia during those horrible months, though I must confess, there were moments when I was tempted to go for more drastic measures. I knew that I had to stop doing what I was doing. So I pulled myself out of the misery and began on another journey instead, one focused on self-acceptance and self-love. My weight started to climb again but I didn’t care.

Now I’m still learning to love and accept myself. It’s a huge struggle because the dating scene can be so brutal and cut-throat. It’s difficult to accept yourself when you face rejection on a daily basis. I envy drag queen Latrice Royale who has found true love and is currently engaged. Because of her story I start to have more faith in the idea that big bodies too are capable of finding the love that we deserve. Though at the same time I also recognise that a whole lot of it depends on one’s luck.

I also don’t fit into any category/type, I realise, not even the bears because I do not possess a hairy body. So what am I to do with this big, smooth, yellow-skinned body? I’m not into feederism. I don’t want to be someone else’s fetish. I don’t want to be in a relationship where my body is the main subject of interest.

After all these ramblings, my question for you is actually rather simple:

How do I find myself a boyfriend, given my situation and everything I’ve been through? Please advise.

Gay, Fat and Asian

—

Thanks for sharing your story. I think many gay men can relate to it, whether they’re dealing with or have in the past dealt with weight issues or not.

I agree that the gay men dating scene can get rather brutal sometimes, especially for those who do not fall into the “white, young and masc” realm. The rise of online dating only makes things worse. The virtual aspect makes people more superficial, judging first on appearance before anything else, while anonymity lets people get away with being mean or unkind to another.

Facing rejection is never easy, but I want you to know that you ain’t “missing out.” Those who rejected you probably ain’t worth the hassle and effort anyway. Well, who doesn’t want a hot, handsome boyfriend who looks like he just walked off from a porn set, right? But looks only go so far. What you should be looking for is a guy who cares more about your person and character. If a guy can’t see past how you look, then it’s his loss, not yours. Don’t let someone else’s superficiality change the way you see yourself.

If you can’t entice people with your looks, then attract them with your confidence. Confident people give off this positive energy that catches others’ attention. When you’re confident and sure of yourself, your charisma shines through and pulls people to you. I’m glad that you brought up Latrice Royale because she’s a great example. She’s proud of her size, she’s proud of her race, she’s proud of her femininity. She isn’t hiding all these things that make her who she is, even when there are people who would see them as “turn-offs.” So be like Latrice. Be unapologetically yourself. Of course, you can’t become confident overnight. You have to work on it slowly, over time.

I’m glad that you’re trying to relearn the art of loving and accepting yourself. I do believe that we have to build a good relationship with our inner self first before we can build a good relationship with someone else. Like RuPaul said, “If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else?”

And one last advice: If you think that online dating is doing more harm than good, then perhaps you should leave it out of your life for a while. Take a break from it. Have a change of scene. Try going out and meeting people in real life instead. Remember: Be intentional, be patient, and don’t get desperate when things don’t go well at first.

Good luck!

Keay Nigel

The letter has been edited for clarity. The author was given permission to publish the story.

Sleep doesn’t come at the usual nine or 10pm for the children living in G.B. Road. This is the time when the street outside gets busy. This is when business starts streaming into Delhi’s biggest and most infamous red light district which sits right in the city center. Men looking for pleasure roll into the district in their rickshaw, sedan or tuk tuk. The moment these potential customers get out of their transport, pimps roaming the streets swarm to them and start touting, while prostitutes eagerly catcall and wave their handkerchiefs from the balconies of the short dilapidated buildings that line both sides of the road.

Garstin Bastion Road, most commonly known as G.B. Road, runs parallel to the railways that branch out from the New Delhi Railway Station, the second busiest and one of the largest railway stations in the whole of India.

In the day, G.B. Road serves a marketplace where hardware like automobile parts and other kinds of machinery are bought and sold. Some of the shops on the ground level also serve as mechanical workshops.

But at dusk, the regular businesses draw their shutters and lock their doors, and the sex trade gradually takes over. The pimps come out to hustle for more business while the women do what they have to do to make a living — for themselves and for their children.

The night life of G.B Road continues until around two in the morning, then can the children and their mothers finally call it a day and go to bed.

There are around 70–80 brothels, or kothas (chambers), along G.B. Road. Most of them are located on second or third level of the buildings, with a brightly painted balcony or a wide window looking out onto the street below.

Each kotha has a number and is identified by it. The kothas differentiate among themselves by the women they offer. There are kothas that offer mostly northeastern women who are fairer in skin color and can thus fetch a higher price. It is also an open secret that the most infamous kotha on G.B. Road offer virgin girls. This kotha is also the most expensive one. The girls of this particular kotha are either “recruited” from the countryside or from the streets.

In each kotha, the women form a close-knit community, offering one another support and a sense of sisterhood. The smaller kothas usually have around 10–20 sex workers, while the bigger ones may house as many as 60–70 women at a time.

More often than not, the living conditions are too cramped for any comfort or privacy, but to the sex workers and their children, the kotha is their home. Most women don’t even step out of their kothas for their own safety, and so their view of the outside world is limited to what they see from the window in their room or the balcony of their kotha.

Due to the limited space, it is inevitable that the children of the sex workers witness the coming and going of the men, and at times, even what happens in between. Thus, despite their tender age, the children do have knowledge of the sex trade and the nature of their mother’s work.

Just as in any other city or society, sex work is heavily stigmatised in Delhi. The archaic caste system, which still plays a major role in the Indian society today, banishes sex workers as well as their family to one of the lowest social strata. The child of a sex worker is looked down upon as much as the sex worker herself. Because of this, most of the children of G.B. Road do not go to school. Those who do eventually quit because of the discrimination and bullying they face in school.

The stigma these children face elsewhere prevents them from venturing out of G.B. Road. With limited access to proper education, the kids are cut off from other options in life. It is commonplace for children of sex workers to join the sex trade when they come of age. Girls will become prostitutes and boys will become pimps. For the children of the kotha owners, they will probably take over the kotha’s business or engage in the trade in other ways.

Despite their tender age, each child knows their place in the community. In fact, some form of power play already exists among the children. A kotha owner’s kid tends to display a sense of superiority and act in a more assertive and dominant manner when he plays with the children of the sex workers. When the children grow up, this hierarchic relationship is likely to remain or become even more prominent as each takes on the role passed down by their parent. It is therefore difficult for these children to break out of the vicious cycle they are born into. The familiarity of their childhood playground and their learned identities hold them back, telling them that the only way in life is to follow the footsteps of the adult role models they have growing up.

In 2013 when I was on a student exchange program in Delhi, I was connected with a local non-profit focused on helping the sex workers of G.B. Road and their kids.

Kat-Katha (a story told by puppets) was founded a couple of years ago by 29-year-old Gitanjali Babbar, a former journalist who decided to make social work her life’s mission. As a ground-up initiative, the organisation works with women who live and work in the brothels on G.B. Road. Kat-Katha functions as a safe haven for the sex workers, who are called didis (elder sisters) by the volunteers, to unwind and to learn skills such as tailoring and weaving. The women, most of whom never went to school when they were younger, can also seek basic education.

Gitanjali said that the women are encouraged to pursue their personal interests, be it dancing or arts and crafts. Even if it’s just for leisure, the women can at least enjoy some personal freedom. It is Gitanjali’s hope to see the women find new avenues of sustenance and self-reliance through them exploring and building on their interests.

The space Kat-Katha occupied on the second level of a building was divided into four sections: the play area, the office area, the main classroom, and a smaller classroom. To get to the small classroom, you would have to go past through the other three rooms in that order.

On top of helping the women, the non-profit also functions as a daytime school for the women’s kids.

Students aged three to 17 receive free formal schooling in language, science and mathematics on weekdays, and arts and crafts on the weekends. The teaching staff consists of full-time, part-time and on-and-off volunteers.

School usually starts at 12pm (considering the students only go to sleep at around 2am) and the lunchtime would be around 2–3pm. After that, lessons continue until 6pm and the day ends with a session of meditation and personal reflection. The students would help to clean up the place before leaving. The older students also take on the responsibility of sending younger students back to their kothas before returning to their own.

The most difficult part about teaching the students, as one teacher at Kat-Katha shared, is that all of them have different learning curves. She explained that the children joined the school at different ages and their educational backgrounds could vary greatly. A 17-year-old student could have the same English literacy of a 5-year-old student. Therefore the schooling provided at Kat-Katha has to be greatly customised to each student’s personal learning needs. It’s challenging for the teachers to gauge the student’s capabilities, coach accordingly and then keep track of his or her progress over time. This highly personalised format of teaching is arduous, and is only made more difficult when some students’ attendance aren’t consistent. I was told that parental objection is common.

On top of formal education, the students are also instructed on personal hygiene such as washing of hands after visiting the toilet and before meals, showering once a day, cutting of nails and etc. They are also taught basic manners such as courtesy when meeting people, sharing of things among themselves, and using terms like “please” and “thank you.” Observance of such practices is monitored closely and at the end of each school day, the students are asked to reflect upon what they did right and what they did wrong.

However, for some students it is difficult to follow through with all the suggested habits due to a lack of resources. Some may not have access to proper sanitation or clean clothes, or they lack parental support and supervision. Most children can go for days without a shower.

I was invited to attend a special celebration held at Kat-Katha on India’s Independence day. Around 30-40 of us squeezed into the main classroom, most of us sat on the concrete floor shoulder to shoulder while others stood around the edge of the room. The party began with a sharing session where everyone talked about what freedom meant to them. Thankfully Gitanjali and the other volunteers were there to help translate the thoughts of the didis and the children. A guitar was then brought in for a sing-along session and the small cozy space was soon filled with the sweet voices and the clapping of the didis, the children and the volunteers. It was the middle of monsoon season so the day was extremely warm, with the air thick and humid. Despite the sweltering heat and humidity, a sense of serenity occupied in the crowded room. Looking around and seeing the smiles on everyone’s faces, I felt honoured to be welcomed in as a stranger, an outsider. The party was an intimate meeting of the people whose lives have been changed because of Kat-Katha. It was a celebration of hope and love, and of the relationships that have been forged through acceptance and respect for one another. There, I saw that no matter how different our backgrounds are, we’re all the same, each capable of loving, having fun and appreciating the simplest things in life.

For the children living in G.B. Road, they do not get to enjoy what we call a “normal” childhood. They live right in the midst of the sex trade. They are witnesses to the chaos and violence that take place on the streets and behind closed doors. They did not choose to be — they were simply born into it. Thankfully there is Kat-Katha which provides a safe space for them to detach from the red light district and get receive proper education from passionate volunteers who lead by example. Without Kat-Katha, the children would be confined to the four walls of their kothas, shut in, or they will be roaming the lanes and streets of G.B. Road, idle, aimless and without purpose. With the children spending their days in Kat-Katha, at least the possibility of them running into trouble on the streets is lower. But besides providing refuge and schooling, I think what Kat-Katha really aims to achieve is to offer the children a choice in life, or at least, make them believe that they can have one if they are willing to work for it.

You can find out more about Kat-Katha at http://www.kat-katha.org.

Born into Brothels: Life of the Children of Delhi’s G.B. Road was originally published in The Coffeelicious on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

THERE are several reasons why I’m leaving my job as a journalist. Some details are rather sensitive so I’ll leave them out. But for a while, I was truly pleased and contented with the work I was doing. To have my writing hobby turn into a career, I really was one of the lucky ones.
People say, do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life. It’s true — it had happened for me multiple times on different occasions. But I must add that, ideals being but ideals, sometimes the magic only works for a certain period or to a certain extent, before it all goes downhill from there.

It was almost like a miracle when I got offered the job. It’s my first official employment after graduation. FYI I came out of college with a biology degree and was neither trained in journalism or media-related fields. But I applied for the job anyway, presenting myself as an experienced lifestyle and entertainment writer with by-lines on platforms such as Elite Daily and The Huffington Post. Fortunately I did well on the interviews as well as the writing tests and I got accepted.

Writing news is definitely different from what I was used to. Writing has always appealed to me as a form of therapy. Documenting my thought processes and emotions helps ease my anxiety and also clear my mind for other perspectives. I started out blogging about my personal life and gradually moved on to opinion pieces and giving advice. Occasionally I would venture into entertainment and lifestyle stories. Then I started freelancing here and there, and it felt good knowing that my interest could actually bring me some side income. And then I wondered where I could go from there, and journalism just seemed right.

When writing news, you present the information in a factual and objective way as best as you can. That I quickly adapted to. I was also incredibly lucky to have a boss who’s encouraging and trusting. It’s always good to have someone believe in you when you have doubt in your own capabilities.

One pro of the job was that I could work remotely. The company’s headquarter is in London and I was stationed in Singapore as their Asia correspondent, so I basically worked from home. At first I had a hard time explaining to my Chinese parents that I was indeed working and earning a living. To them, the concept of working without needing to step out of the house was a foreign and dubious idea.

The job had offered me a good deal of personal and editorial freedom, which, as a creative, I love. I got to choose the news that I thought worthy of publishing, choose my own break times, and I could even go holidaying in another country and write news while sitting by the beach if I wanted to.

While I was living in Singapore, I was more okay with working from home because I had friends who would hit me up for lunch if they happened to be in the area. But when I moved to the states, working from home had begun to feel isolating and lonely as I was without my usual support system. There are of course various benefits of working from home, like not needing to wake up early to prepare to go out, and being able to stay all comfy in your sweatpants or underwear as you do your thing. Yes, some days I was grateful, but other days, I would just get fucking depressed.

And ever since writing became a form of paid work, my desire to write as a form of self-expression had but diminished. It’s funny because I had always thought that it would be so great to find a job that lets me do what I love. It’s not to say that I didn’t enjoy writing news. It did bring my joy when my articles got shared thousand times on social media and brought good traffic to our site. However, at the same time, I kinda felt like my energy for creative writing was slowly sapping away.

Finally, I decided it’s best for me to do something else. Find a locally based job in SF, meet new people, make more friends and learn new things. Well it doesn’t have to be in that particular order, but you get what I mean. I am very thankful for the experience that my ex-company provided me. It was the perfect solution to the problems and dilemmas I was facing a year ago, but now I’m ready to move on. 2017 is going to be a year of change for me. I’m completely going out of my comfort zone. I am nervous, scared and freaking out about what the future may bring, but I’m also incredibly excited.

To end off, here are some of my favorite articles published during my time with GayStarNews:

1. Pink Dot Singapore draws thousands to support ‘Freedom to Love’

I attended the 2016 event and did a report on what went down in the sea of pink. I spoke to activists, gay men groups and queer students clubs to understand what Pink Dot meant for them and what they hoped to achieve through their outreach programs.

2. Why all LGBTQ+ should support veganism

I got in touch with this queer veganism activist at the Pink Dot event and subsequently got a story from him. While editing his submission, I was actually surprised by the perspectives he provided. It’s a refreshing take on why people especially those from minority communities should consider going vegan.

3. Singapore transgender activist fights to keep shelter for homeless trans women

This is my first ever face-to-face interview as a journalist and I was so stressed about it, but June was such a joy to talk to. An incredibly giving and kind woman. I’m so glad to have met her and hear her story. I hope that the story did help with raising some funds for her shelter. #Bless

4. I am a gay Syrian refugee who escaped to Sweden, and this is my story

I had the privilege of obtaining and editing a piece from this amazing young man who’s gay and from Syria. He had to run for his life because the war was tearing his country and home apart. His courage and determination to stay true to himself and his art inspired me greatly, and I felt the urgent need to share with the rest of the world his heartbreaking story. He’s also the fastest person when it comes to replying and sending me the first draft! An absolute delight to work with.

5. How I’ve come to accept my identity as a lesbian Christian pastor

I also edited this piece by an openly gay minister from Free Community Church, which is one of the few churches (or only one?) in Singapore that do not condemn homosexuality. As an ex-Christian, I was greatly interested to hear her personal views.

6. How I came to accept my identity as a queer Muslim man

Through a good friend of mine, I got to know this young gay man who’s a practising Muslim. He shared with me his story of growing up in an extremely religious environment and how he came about accepting his sexuality. It’s a moving account as well as an insightful read about the intersectionality of seemingly antagonistic identities.

7. Why the 2022 Gay Games should come to Hong Kong

A piece I edited that highlights the importance of bringing the Gay Games to Asia from the perspective of an athlete who had participated in a previous edition.

And these are some of my best features:

1. More Republican legislators arrested for sexual misconduct in public bathrooms than transgender people

(15.1k shares)

2. Top 6 trans and gender non-conforming makeup gurus to follow on YouTube

(700 shares)

3. Need a new perspective on Asian men? Just take a look at this photo series

(28.2k shares)

4. 62 hottest pictures of Brazil’s male gymnastics team to get you fired up for the Summer Olympics

(17.3k shares)

5. This calendar ft. firefighters and rescue puppies is your must-have for 2017

(2.4k shares)

6. The 101 cuties seen at Songkran 2016, the hottest and wettest festival in Asia

(6.8k shares)

7. Rio Olympics eyecandy alert: This Japanese water polo player is as cute as he’s hot

(2.3k shares)

8. It’s time we drop gay stereotypes about who’s top and who’s bottom

(8k shares)

9. PICS: Those who think Asian guys are unsexy geeks should take a second look

(3.6k shares)

Other top reads by yours truly:

1. 22-year-old LGBT advocate commits suicide, Utah community recalls his passion, kindness and activism

(4.8k shares)

2. This teen’s fabulous senior year photo is taking Twitter by storm

(19.8k shares)

3. US preacher who praised Orlando shooting ‘banned’ from entering the UK

(15.4k shares)

4. University of Texas students to fight gun law by openly carrying dildos to class

(18k shares)

5. WATCH: Victim of leaked gay sex video speaks up

(3.9k shares)

6. Anderson Cooper breaks down while reading names of Orlando victims

(13.7k shares)

7. Wife executes ruthless revenge against husband who cheated with male gardener

(5.4k shares)

8. Game of Thrones stars reward fans with ultimate master/slave fantasy, kiss on national TV

(3.8k shares)

9. Sam Tsui comes out as gay, reveals that he’s marrying a fellow YouTube star

(4.6k shares)

10. College basketball player opens up about suicide, rape, coming out and his identity as a gay Christian

(3.2k shares)

11. Olympic figure skater comes out as gay with sweet kissing photo

(6k shares)

12. Brent Corrigan condemns James Franco’s King Cobra for ‘bastardising’ the story of his life

(3.9k shares)

13. What exactly happens when gay people are asked to ‘tone it down’? Watch this

(7.6k shares)

14. Taiwanese actor goes on homophobic rant after receiving prestigious acting award

(3.1k shares)

15. WATCH: To shave or not to shave? Here’s the science behind your bush

(5k shares)

16. WATCH: The making of the ‘perfect’ silicon boyfriend (NSFW)

(7.1k shares)

17. Max Emerson’s boyfriend comes out to the U.S. military on YouTube

(4.5k shares)

18. Mark Ruffalo promises to go full frontal naked on screen if you vote against Trump

(11k shares)

19. WATCH: This Peruvian chef is serving abs and bulge in viral cooking show

(4.6k shares)

20. WATCH: Adele invites gay dads and their baby on stage for a selfie at Toronto concert

(3.7k shares)

In total I’ve written over 700 articles for the website! These 30+ articles alone have garnered more than 250k shares on social media. I guess it’s safe to say that working at GayStarNews has helped me reach out to millions of people worldwide. I hope that my stories had at least made someone’s day, or taught them something new, or inspired them to take action in their own personal life.

Like most people — if not all — I hate to lose.

I think it’s the mentality that’s been so ingrained in me growing up, being told that losing is bad, that losing means you’re no good — like it’s a disease or something; once you lose or fail, nobody’s gonna want you or need you anymore.

So from young, I would do anything to avoid losing or failing.

I can still remember when I was in junior college, I was presented with the choice of either joining the squash team or the school choir. I got through the auditions for both the student clubs, but I couldn’t go for both of them because of schedule clashes, so I had to pick only one.

Well, surprising or not, I chose the school choir. And it’s not that I had preferred singing over playing squash. At that time I had thought to myself that I wouldn’t be able to handle the realities of losing as an individual athlete. What if I was chosen to represent my school at a regional or national competition and then I lost? That would crush me, I thought. And what about joining the school team but never becoming good enough to be picked to play? How horrible would that be as well? Joining the choir would be a ‘safer choice.’ Let’s say we were to go to a singing competition as a group and then we lost, the loss wouldn’t be as great because the failure would be divided and shared among every member.

That’s what’s going through my mind when I made the decision to leave squash. Because I was so afraid of losing and failing, not just other people’s expectations, but more importantly, my own.

Like they say, you’re your own worst enemy. It’s true. I was so fearful and worried that I wouldn’t be good enough that I didn’t even give myself the chance to try. I deprived myself of the opportunity to take a risk and try something new. Instead I stuck with the predictable.

So these days I have been thinking about the idea of ‘losing’ and how I can change my narrow perspective about it. And here are some of the insights I’ve discovered:

1. Nobody is born ready

Everyone starts out as a beginner. Even Roger Federer. Even Tiger Woods. The pros started somewhere and then they got better and better because they practised and practised. Practise makes perfect. You need to give yourself time. Everyone needs time to be good at something. A genius can’t just rely on their gift or talent. They need to put in the hard work too, just like you and me.

2. You learn from losing

Nobody starts out winning every single game they play. Nobody has zero record of defeat. Nobody. When it comes to something new or unfamiliar, there’s a higher chance of you losing than winning.

And when you finally get your first win, the next thing you know it, you lose again. Because you meet another person who’s stronger, better or has been in the game longer than you have. What do you do? Pick yourself up and learn again.

3. Most of us fall right in the middle of the curve

Have a look at the normal distribution curve. The reality is, most of us fall into the middle range of the curve. What this means is that there will always be people who are better than you, and that there will always be people who are worse than you. You ain’t special just because you win somebody in a game. Stay humble. At the same time, when you’re losing, don’t think of yourself as a loser. 99% of us are all the same. We are still in the process of learning. And that 1% are those who decided to quit.

4. Losing doesn’t mean you’re a failure

Losing doesn’t mean you’re unworthy or you’re a bad person. And just because you lose doesn’t mean you should stop. Losing isn’t the end — quitting is. As long as you keep the faith and keep on doing what you do, one day you will suck less and succeed more.

Also, very importantly, losing doesn’t mean you have to be upset with yourself. It may be a reflex reaction to be upset, but I’m telling you that you don’t have to be. When you lose, you lose. Period. Tell yourself you’re gonna try harder next time. Tell yourself you will do better next time. Get something out of it and move on.

5. Winning doesn’t mean you’re a better person

Just because you are better in a particular sport (see Ryan Lochte), or at making lots of money (see Wells Fargo’s top executives), or at performing a certain art (see Azealia Banks), doesn’t mean you’re a downright better person than other people. Winning doesn’t give you the right to look down on other people; winning doesn’t prove that you are more worthy; and most certainly, winning doesn’t promise that you would be happier.

In life, you’ll lose more than you win, and that’s okay. It happens to all of us. We lose first before we win; we have to because it’s through losing that we learn where we need to improve.

Those who persist are those who get better. Those who aren’t afraid of losing time and again, time and again are the ones who will emerge victorious in the end. It doesn’t matter how much time you think you’re gonna take. It doesn’t matter how much further those who came before you have gone. It doesn’t matter how fast or how slow you progress relative to others.

Remember: At the end of the day, you’re your true enemy, and to learn to live happy and enjoy the process despite of what your fear-prone mind tells you is the most important.

Last but not least, don’t let losing keep you from enjoying the game.

“Why does this have to happen to me when I did nothing wrong?”

Have you ever asked yourself this question? When you’re faced with an unfavourable situation in life that you did nothing to deserve? But life just happened to you that way.

Well, recently I missed an important mail, which consequently caused the application which I have been putting my heart and soul into to come to a halt.

The delay is totally unnecessary, and it’s nobody fault, really. But nonetheless, I was feeling so frustrated, and somehow, wrongfully targeted.

Why is this bad thing happening to me right now? I asked myself. Life is just so unfair!

But then, I recalled the teachings of spiritual teacher, Eckhart Tolle, who once said that nothing “bad” that happened is personal. The situation is just what it is.

Tolle added that describing the condition as bad, or putting any negative connotations, feelings, or using words like “betrayal” or “bad luck” isn’t gonna help. They make things worse by making you feel worse.

Instead, we should take whatever that has happened objectively: It’s an event. Period.

The situation may not be working according to our expectations or plans. It may not be how we’d like it to be. It may even be the direct opposite of what we wished for. But that doesn’t make it “bad.” We don’t have to call it or explain it that way.

I know, I know, it’s difficult to not view an adverse, negative circumstance as it is — cancer, bullying, house on fire, breakup, lost wallet… you name it.

But I have come to see that being all upset about the situation ain’t gonna help at all. Negative feelings only lead to more negative feelings. Negative thoughts only attract worse imaginations in your head that aren’t even real.

It’s an event. Period.

So drop that word from your dictionary right now. Things ain’t “bad” — they are what they are. Deal with them with a more neutral outlook, and you will see and feel a difference.

Another thing that I’ve come to realise, is that a tough decision or a difficult situation in life is actually a test, and its purpose is to prepare you for what’s more to come in life.

If you pass it, you move on, and you get to enjoy certain things that you previously do not get to enjoy. Sound good?

But after you move on, you’ll also realise that it’s not the end.

To experience more and to go further, you’ll have to undergo even more tests, which will ask more from you. They would probably be much more challenging, demanding, frustrating and exhausting than whatever you have already gone through.

Yes, there will always be times in life where we are challenged to make bigger, risker choices, or to handle what we thought to be virtually impossible to come out alive of.

But, you know what they say: God will not give you more than you can bear.

I believe that the current situation that I’m facing, and whatever that you’re facing, is actually more manageable than we think. But it’s the doubts in our head and the fears in our heart that make us go, OMFG I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE.

If you aren’t ready to pass this current test you’re facing, what makes you think that you’ll be able to handle the bigger, scarier tests that the future has, and the enormously great rewards that life/God/the Universe has in store for you?

If you want more in life, you’ll have to go through the steps.

And while you’re at it, choose to be more objective. Take on a more neutral outlook. Stop focusing on the “bad-ness” of things. And you’ll be able to see more opportunities instead of the limitations.

Like they say, when life gives you lemons…

… make lemonade.

Another Answer to Why Bad Things Happen to Good People was originally published in The Coffeelicious on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Sometimes you have to realise that there are areas in life where you have no control over. No matter what thought or effort you put in, nothing will come out of it. Nothing will get better, or worse. Nothing will, because of you, be solved or expedited.

And all you can do is to wait for it to pass. Wait for it to be resolved on its own. Or wait for it to be healed by time. Whatever mistake, whatever regret, whatever wrongdoing.

Truly, the most difficult thing to do is to accept the powerlessness that you’re feeling, and to tell yourself that you are not going to try and do something to savage the situation.

To let things be. To give up fighting against what you’re faced with, and to instead go with it. Like they say, trust your struggle, right?

Even though it may seem to be a hurdle, a detour or a stop sign, it could also be for the betterment of things. It could be the better way, just that you don’t see it just yet. Because you are so insistent in going your own way instead of letting things fall into place as they do.

You are too busy trying to catch everything and make sure that they are how you would like them to be. But life doesn’t always work that way. It often does, but it doesn’t always.

Just because we have control over certain things doesn’t mean we should have control over all things.

As it is, each time when I thought that I have the most patience in the world, and that I don’t usually blow up at things that do not go my way, life would then happen in a way that tests my very limit.

Whenever this happens, I find that I have to push myself and my endurance to the next level, or I risk being swallowed by the situation I’m trapped in.

It’s much easier to imagine nice things when you’re happy with how things are going. But when things go bad, or not as how you planned, it’s difficult to imagine better things happening. On the contrary, you worry about the worst of scenarios, which in turn cause you to worry more. And that goes into a vicious cycle of thinking worse and feeling worse.

This is when I would try to tell myself to stop resisting what had happened. If I’m stuck in a situation, then I’m stuck. There is no point in trying to reject the situation and then feel more upset about it.

If there is nothing I can do to better things, then the best is to leave things as they are. To wait. Perhaps deal with something else first and it later.

And hopefully when you get back to it again, things would have already been resolved. Or you’d find an easier, better way to deal with it. If not, then you try to do what you can, and then leave it in peace.

Trust in yourself, that you can face whatever that comes. More importantly, have faith in the universe — how it will bring things together in the best way that will bring you the most good.

Live more in faith and less in fear, and you’ll be able to experience more peace, less anxiety.

There can be joy and harmony in the waiting and the doing of nothing too.

The Most Difficult Thing Is To Do Nothing was originally published in The Coffeelicious on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.