Loving too much is a common phenomenon. I am not alone, and you are not either. Many of us are obsessed with love, and we think it’s ok, we think it’s normal, because that is what love songs, movies, soap operas, novels, jewelry retailers, even hotels and restaurants tell us. Don’t think so? Just look at the amount of advertising you see around Valentine’s Day and Christmas. There are 6,870,000,000 results on Google if you search for the word “love”, compare that to “compassion” with 91,900,000 results and “kindness” with 119,000,000 results. We have become victims of a culture that celebrates romance and love in the form of romantic love only.

But the truth is, you can live, if living is without him/her.

We have become victims of a culture that celebrates romance and love in the form of romantic love only.

In “Women who love too much” — a book that broke me after the first two chapters and I could not continue reading until after some time because it made me feel so bad about myself, the author Robin Norwood mentioned that we are surrounded by a culture that romanticize, glorify and glamourize unrewarding and immature relationships, as if the depth of love can be measured by the pain it causes. This culture tells us that suffering is a natural part of love, and the willingness to suffer is a positive attribute.

On the other hand, being single is like a disease that so many people are afraid of. Not being with someone is seen as a failure. There are expectations from family members, friends, and society that you need to be with someone, as if being single means there’s something so inherently wrong with you, that it is disgusting and infectious. Being single is a sin.

The film “The Lobster” takes this absurdity to the extreme, where singletons are put into a “facility” and given a limited time to find a partner, during that time they can hunt other singletons in the “wild” to get extensions, but if they cannot find a partner when their time is up, they will be turned into animals.

There is nothing wrong with being in love. It’s amazing when it’s good, it gives you energy, it makes people glow. You can’t stop smiling when you’re thinking about your lover. It feels great to have that special connection, physical and emotional intimacy with someone that you don’t have with anyone else. But when love becomes an obsession and an addiction that consumes most of your life — that becomes a problem.

I am a victim of that. I can’t say I fall in love easily, but I get fascinated easily at the beginning of a relationship, I can stay up all night just to talk to that person, I think about that person all the time, so much that I can’t focus on other things I’m supposed to focus on. I want to be in touch with that person constantly, I’m always texting and sharing every cute cat video or funny cartoons I come across online, I send photos with everything I ate or every event I go to. I want to share everything with that person when we’re not together, and I want to be with that person all the time, sometimes as soon as a date is over. It’s crazy, it’s irrational, it’s completely head over heels. I think the world of that person, and I think maybe this person is the missing piece of my puzzle. I get so blinded by infatuation that I thought the butterflies in my stomach and the emotional high I get with this person must mean I’m in love, and I ignore or downplay his flaws or his problems.

In other words, I create a fictional perfect lover from an imperfect human being, and I dive in headfirst. I indulge myself in my obsession, and I live in a fantasy that I create in my head.

It’s all floating on cotton candy and riding on unicorns in the rainbow until things fall apart.

I overanalyze his messages when he texts. I get anxious when he doesn’t text. I worry that he’s not into me anymore when he’s out with female friends. I get jealous. I create the worst scenarios in my head, and I respond by texting more, trying to get his attention back to me. I become needy and insecure.

I thought the insecurities were normal in relationships, especially at the beginning. Well maybe it is for a lot of women, but it’s certainly not healthy and it does drive people away, unfortunately.

And the scariest part is that, I didn’t realize that until now.

The reasons he gave me for the break up was that he couldn’t deal with the long distance with everything else that was going on in his life. It didn’t seem like I have done anything wrong, on the surface.

I was in denial, probably still was as I was writing this. I refused to accept that the long distance was the only issue, I kept asking why? Why? WHY? And I kept looking for answers, and that’s when I stumbled upon attachment theory — in my opinion this should be made a mandatory class for high school, and teachers should tell students that this is probably the one class in their lives that they shouldn’t miss, if they want to have healthy relationships, or at least know themselves and the kind of mistakes they can avoid.

I tried to make sense of the situation by thinking that it’s not the circumstances but his psychological state, which he had no control over, and if it’s a psychological state, maybe it would be easier to change rather than the circumstances.

So what is the attachment theory and what are the different styles? Children learn to adopt different attachment styles as they grow up, and how they were raised by their parents have a significant impact on their styles. Children raised by parents who meet their emotional needs adequately adopt a secure attachment style, and those who have been raised without having their emotional needs met adopt an insecure attachment style. Among people who have an insecure attachment there are three types: anxious preoccupied, dismissive avoidant, and fearful avoidant.

It’s like learning to swim. The anxious preoccupied would dive in headfirst, thinking they would learn “on the job”. Fearful avoidants stand next to the pool, sticking one foot out but as soon as their toes touch the water, they’re scared, they think they cannot do it. Dismissive avoidants won’t even admit they’re scared so they would just say, “You know what? Swimming is a useless skill, I don’t need it!”

Over the years I thought I have learnt to swim in the pool, but when I came to this beautiful beach, I went straight into the open water, only to find myself lost and tired and scared, because I have never seen waves before in the pool! I almost got myself drowned, but I got myself together and managed to survive. Naturally, people who almost drowned would develop a fear. They wouldn’t want to attempt to swim again, it’s too scary, having been so close to death is debilitating. But does that mean it is not worth it? No, I don’t think so. You just need to learn how.

People who are anxious preoccupied, as you can tell from the name, are often anxious and preoccupied (that’s me), their insecurities cause them to hold on tighter, as they frantically try to pull their partners back with their attention and love. They are the brave ones in relationships; they are not afraid to crash and burn and would literally do anything to please their partners.

The anxious preoccupied has the need to be needed and a fear of not being needed, even with the wrong person. Being needed is the closest thing to love they have experienced. They have a low sense of self-worth and would blame themselves for not being perfect, while hoping that their partners would change. They take the blame and try to fix the unfixable. They are addicted to their partners because of their deep-rooted fears of abandonment.

The avoidants are the opposite, they are also insecure, but they respond by pushing back to avoid getting hurt. They take preemptive measures so they don’t have to face the fear of rejection and loss. Avoidants have difficulty expressing their true feelings, in fact, sometimes they are so out of touch with their feelings that they are not consciously aware of them, and they manifest in somatic symptoms like increased heart rate, loss of energy, and so on.

Dismissive avoidants have high self-esteem, so they often think that they don’t need relationships, and they are absolutely fine on their own. Of course there are people who genuinely do not want to be in relationships and are happily single, and sometimes it is quite impossible to tell whether they are being dismissive avoidant or just being themselves, they might not even know themselves because dismissive avoidants would not admit their underlying fears.

Fearful avoidants, on their other hand, have lower self-esteem, they want to be loved but at the same time, they are terrified of being abandoned, they long for intimacy but their deep feelings of unworthiness cause anxiety when things start getting “real” — when their partners start getting close to them, because they believe that they will eventually be hurt or abandoned, so they run away. They also tend to go for impossible relationships so it would eventually fulfill their own prophecies that it never works out in the end.

I was quite convinced that the French guy is a fearful avoidant, and I started studying that quite extensively. I read a book called “Avoidant”, I was focusing on his issues, but as I dived deeper and read more about the anxious preoccupied, I was more terrified because I realized that I am one of them. And these attachment styles seem so ingrained into a person that it made me feel quite hopeless.

But that’s not the worst part. I was more devastated when I looked at the stats. Only about 60% of people are securely attached, about 20% are anxious preoccupied and another 20% are avoidants. Many books and columns advise people with insecure attachments to just leave and go for people who are securely attached, I can’t help but think: it doesn’t work that way. Stephen Hawking’s first wife Jane Hawking didn’t leave him as soon as she found out that he had a motor neuron disease. As much as I’d like to, nobody can go around and ask prospective dates to complete an attachment style test before they go out with them. I can be 100% sure that I would never EVER have a date if I did that.

I felt like it’s over for me, I’m doomed. I gave up. It might be a scientific fact that anxious preoccupied people tend to bond with avoidants, but that sounds so impersonal, like we are all lab rats with predictable preferences and behavior. I happen to like creative, smart and sensitive people, because I’m sensitive too, and I find people who are too down-to-earth a bit boring, but the boring people are probably the ones who are securely attached. It seems like avoidants are unavoidable for me. It’s ridiculous to even think about changing my preference for men just because the ones I happen to like are probably avoidant. So many times I’ve said to myself, if that’s how it’s gonna be, I’d rather give up. And people have came to this conclusion before, upon discovering how men repress their emotions and are unable to show their true self because women and society expect them to be strong protectors without showing emotional weaknesses, this counselor concluded that men are just not worth her time.

A girl friend of mine who have been with avoidants like I did, said (and I quote), “Guys suck. They should all suck a dick and die.”

It might sound hilarious and dramatic but I am quite familiar with these feelings of disappointment and self-defeating thoughts. And I find myself asking this question over and over again, “Is love even worth it? All it brings is pain.”

But for me the answer is yes, it should not bring so much pain though. What’s not worth is being obsessed and always putting another person before you, thus not allowing yourself the joy of being content with yourself. It is one thing to choose carefully who you fall for, and it’s another to take a hard look at yourself and reflect — are you doing too much? Are you feeling “complete” as a person without anyone else? Most importantly, are you happy with who you are as a person, on your own and not with anyone else?

Are you feeling “complete” as a person without anyone else?

This said a person who was still stalking on Facebook and managed to read a book on “recovering” boyfriends in a day. Don’t judge me, I’m just human. I had this idea of flying over to France to talk to him face to face, it really sounded a bit crazy and delusional, but I hate giving up without even trying. I want to live with no regrets, and if that means I will fall flat on my face, so be it (preoccupied much?).

If I ever have a child, this would be the most important life lesson I’ll have to teach — you need to try and live with no regrets in life, even if you fail. Fear is everywhere, it is fine to be afraid, but don’t let fear stop you from going for what you want in life. You won’t earn anything if you don’t step out of your comfort zone. (At this rate I might be telling this to my mates in an old folks home instead, but oh well.)

It is fine to be afraid, but don’t let fear stop you from going for what you want in life.

There is one sport that I really like — dragon boating, it’s a team sport that involves 12–18 people paddling together in complete synchronisation. Apart from being a great team sport I think it is also a good training for the mind. When you are in a race you need to be 100% focused because you need to be in sync with the rest of the team, and you can’t stop even if you get hit by waves, you need to keep going to power through the waves, and you need to use your mind to overcome your own physical fatigue. You just have to keep paddling until you reach the finishing line, no matter what.

At the end of the races I evaluate myself by whether I gave my all, instead of the actual results. I would be equally happy to come last if I felt like my team and I gave it our all. Of course I still care about the results, but that is less important if I felt like I did my best. Maybe that’s why I have a strong will.

Now one might think, hang on a second, just a while ago you were saying that it’s not good to be loving too much, are you being schizophrenic or what? Hear me out. I believe there are things in life that are worth fighting for, however, there is no guaranteed success in anything, so whatever the outcome is, as long as we have tried our best, it shouldn’t matter as much.

Make the best use of what is in your power and take the rest as it happens — Epictetus

And now here’s the real contradiction, maybe it’s this mindset that is making me stuck in a constant loop of “Not working? Try harder” approach. That and being anxious preoccupied — we do tend to pull out all the stops in the hopes of making something work. When do we call it quits?

As a stoic philosopher would say, there are things you can control and things you cannot. You have little to no control over anything external — events that happen to you, circumstances, other people’s feelings and what they think. Things you can control are the ones that are internal — how you perceive events, your reactions, your feelings, and your thoughts. Do the best you can on what you can control, and surrender to what you cannot.

I think some people, when they get to this point, would probably say things like, “You are too obsessed with this guy, just let it go.” In fact, I would probably be the one saying this to a girl friend who told me the same story. I find it amusing sometimes because an outsider can be so objective and logical about certain situations, but when you’re at the eye of the storm, you really don’t care about what other people say.

When you love too much, you lose sight of what is happening around you, you become obsessed with one person and forget about everything else, your friends, your family, your career, and other things in life that matter to you. You forget about yourself, yes you do.

One day I went back to my blog to “remind” myself of how I was before I met this guy, and I was astonished to find this smart, confident woman that was once me. I like her. There was this A-ha moment when I was like, “OMG, that was me.” And that’s when I realized that it is important to stop “loving” too much and start living.

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How to stop loving (too much) and start living 1 was originally published in What’s wrong with you wo/man? on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

So yes, ok I’ll admit, I’m totally fangirling over Aziz Ansari these days after watching Master of None and a couple of his standups. But I think I came to an important realisation from his shows and his interviews about one thing — the reason why everyone is commitment phobic these days is a four-letter word: FOMO (fear of missing out).

And I am not JUST talking about relationships. Even simple things like where to go to on a Friday night, we don’t want to commit to the first person who asked us, because who knows? Something better might come along. We are in a world full of options, once you say yes to this party, technically you can’t say yes to another (possibly more fun) party. So we are either lukewarm about things (sure, maybe, I’ll let you know later), or we become the yes-man, saying yes to everything and flaking out last minute.

I changed from the yes-man, to the lukewarm woman, to sometimes the no-woman even. I made that change because I want to be more responsible for my time, I want to be sure that once I decide to do something I don’t get FOMO for giving up the other options. I want to stick to my own decisions and take responsibility, even if they stink.

Things get slightly more complicated in relationships. Because there is a lot more at stake, if you are looking for something long-term, that is. Instead of one night of your time, you’re going to be investing a lot more in a relationship. More time, more money, and exclusivity. In a traditional relationship, once you have chosen to be with one person, you have closed the doors to all other options. How do you know that you have chosen the right person? What if a better option comes along? Will you be sitting there pulling your hair out and biting your nails about it?

We live in a world of fear.

We are jaded by the (seemingly) unlimited options we have. If something doesn’t work out, find another guy, there’s one with the swipe of a finger. Keep looking, don’t settle, that’s what we believe in. Easy come, easy go. But before long, we become decision paralysed.

How do you know you will still want to be with that same person you decide to be with now 5 years down the road? 10 years? 20 years? We scare ourselves with questions like this. But no, we don’t know. And we never will. There are people who will say that they are ABSOLUTELY 100% SWEAR-TO-GOD SURE that the person they chose is the one they want, I have been there, but really? Nobody can see into the future, so they can’t possibly know that things WILL work out.

It is always going to be a bet when it comes to relationships. But how do you even know that you’re making the best bet? Well, you don’t. You just have to try and make the best educated guess, take your chances, and hope for the best.

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What Aziz Ansari taught me about FOMO was originally published in What’s wrong with you wo/man? on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

And… I’m back, after being in a pseudo-relationship with (yet another) emotionally unavailable man. Only this time I’m actually not too sad about it. I just wish I had spent more time writing, but that’s my problem, writing is my therapy, and I only resort to it when I need it.

Anyway, here I am. Guess I shouldn’t beat myself up too much about it since I have been busy with things other than dating as well.

When I look back at this guy I went out with “casually” for a while, I realise he might just be another emotionally unavailable guy. Or I could be making up reasons for him not liking me enough to want a real relationship. Just because we have been going out for more than a month and we usually have a good time doesn’t mean he should want to be in a relationship with me, right? I shouldn’t feel too entitled. So, is there such thing as not being emotionally available? Or is it simply just because he’s not that into me?

I have “studied” attachment theory quite extensively after a painful breakup, and in my opinion, “avoidants” are emotionally unavailable. This is not to say that they have no emotions, but they repress their feelings so much that they are out of touch with those feelings.

The funny thing is, when you read books like Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, it just seems like men ARE avoidant in general, meaning that they would often employ strategies like repression or distraction to avoid dealing with stressful emotions. They tend to minimise feelings, be it their own or their partners’, because feelings make them “weak”.

On the other hand, women also seem to be anxious preoccupied in general. In my case, I go through rollercoasters when a guy I like go from sending me tons of texts to just sending one text in a couple of days (which happens a lot). I get anxious and nervous and I overanalyse, and sometimes I get angry or passive aggressive at those behaviours. The good thing is that after studying avoidants and myself so much, I become more aware of my anxiety and insecurities, which are still there but now I can choose not to act on them by rationalising with myself.

The only problem now is, though, how do I get out of going out with emotionally unavailable men? Do people who are securely attached even exist? Well they probably do, but are probably married with 5 kids, or are gay. Many times I just want to give up and be happily single, but I’m just not the kind of person who likes to give up. As frustrating as it is, perhaps I will have to suck it up with emotionally unavailable people who likes me and wants me enough to stick around (if such person exists and I also like said person). Meh.

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The emotionally unavailable men was originally published in What’s wrong with you wo/man? on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Which is EXACTLY what I am doing now (while texting away with a few guys), and it feels great. I bet I could’ve gone on a date if I asked, but I did not want to. I want to be with the person I want to love most, which is myself, doing what I love most.

So, Valentine’s day? Totally overrated, and here’s why:

1. It was designed for restaurants and shops to make double the money than normal days.
2. People who are in relationships already brag and flaunt about it a lot, why do they need another day for that?
3. What is there to celebrate when the day is actually about a Christian priest who was stoned, beaten up and decapitated?
4. If you are in a good relationship, every day will feel like Valentine’s day. But if you’re not, then no amount of flowers or chocolates or fancy meals can make up for that.

4 reasons why Valentine’s day is overrated was originally published in What’s wrong with you wo/man? on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

It’s only 10 days before the dreaded Valentine’s day for a lot of single people out there. The day where people brag, flaunt, post selfies of themselves and their loved ones with overly corny status updates that nobody wants to see. It’s the day where single people disappear into nothingness, as if they don’t exist.

But the more I dive into the dating scene, the more I feel discouraged and unsatisfied. I’m not saying that there are no good people out there, but every good person I come across has issues — low self-esteem, insecure, chauvinistic, codependent, lack confidence, superficial, shallow. Nobody is perfect, I know. But where do you draw the line? Do you give a drug addict or alcoholic another chance because they are not “bad people”? Do you let yourself continue to engage with a “narcissistic jerk” or a “pathological liar” because you should accept them for who they are?

I didn’t think so.

When I hear about my friends’ problems, it’s even more discouraging. People who are caught up in unhappy marriages because of the kids, people who are under constant pressure because they are stuck with taking care of a pregnant partner, people who stay in codependent relationships because they don’t want to change the status quo — it’s easy, convenient, and it’s not that bad all the time.

Why, then, do we want to be with someone so bad, even though there is no guarantee that it would be good? Do secure, confident, grounded people even exist? Why are so many books and relationship experts telling us that we should look for those people to have a relationship with and run away from “broken souls”? As if secure grounded people get rained down from the sky once in a while when “god” decides that the world has too many jerks.

I don’t have an answer to any of those questions. All I know is, we are all broken in our own different, f*cked up ways. Maybe there really are completely well-adjusted people, but I don’t think there is that many of them, and they’re probably married anyway, or are gay. Some people might have had difficult childhoods, some people have been traumatised by their previous relationships, some people might have never felt loved so they don’t know how to love. This is life, and it’s not perfect. Even if you’re the richest and most powerful person in the world, you can’t sail through life without any setbacks.

Maybe it’s not that bad to be with a broken person, after all. Maybe two broken souls can heal each other in some bizarre ways. And I’m only talking about people who are not completely messed up in their heads, there is a difference between total nutjobs and people who are just a bit insecure or not very confident or have codependent tendencies.

We are all broken in our own different, f*cked up ways.

We all have this fear of ageing and dying alone, I actually dreamt about it and it was quite horrifying. I was alone and lost and had no one to turn to. I feel sad just thinking about it. But at the same time, I don’t want to settle out of this profound fear of being alone. Is it so bad to have no strings attached? I’ve got nothing to worry about, no kids, no mortgages, no ties. I can do whatever I want at any time whenever money and time allow. I am not obligated to anyone, or anything. I can go on dates when I want to, I can flirt with anyone if I want to, and I can be alone when I want to. I am free.

So, to all the single people out there: Celebrate! Instead of drowning in your sorrows of not having anyone next to you, celebrate freedom. Maybe you will find someone in the end, maybe you won’t, but it is not entirely up to you. So just chill, and remember the freedom you have at this point in your life, because one day you just might miss it.

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To all the single ladies (and gentlemen) was originally published in What’s wrong with you wo/man? on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

People lie all the time, sometimes not even on purpose. When you ask your bf / husband, hey I feel really bloated today, do I look fat in this dress? The dumb ones might tell you the truth, but smarter people might tell little white lies and say, honey you look gorgeous. This doesn’t hurt a relationship.

Things get worse when you’re dating online, when you don’t even know if your dates’ names are real.

I have been chatting with this guy through an app for a couple of days, I believed in everything he said without a question at first. Let’s call him Mr Pathological Liar (PL). He had a pretty good-looking profile pic, and to be honest that was why I started talking to him because he did not put much on his profile. Soon after we started chatting he removed his picture, telling me he was getting too much unwanted attention. Fair enough, I thought. When we switched over to chat on whatsapp, he didn’t have a profile pic, and by that time we had set up a date to meet already so I asked, how am I supposed to know how you look like when we meet? He put up a pic for like a minute, which did not look like his pic in the app at all, and that was it. I thought, well maybe he’s not really confident with the way he looks. I let that slide.

PL always wanted to speak on the phone, the first time he called me, he said, hi this is M. And I was like, who is M? His name was S on the app and I just assumed that’s his real name. Then he told me he wasn’t using his real name. Fair enough, it’s not uncommon. I regret putting my real name up there actually. Second sign.

We chatted over the phone a few times before the first date. He seems nice. No dick pics yet, in fact, no pics at all. Good sign I guess.

The date was fine, but there was a certain level of evasiveness that I didn’t understand. I couldn’t quite pinpoint it but there were a few details he told me that I was skeptical about. Maybe the seed of doubt was planted when I couldn’t see any resemblance between his profile pic and the real person. I don’t want to sound like a hipster, but the vibe wasn’t very good.

We did make out at the end, I was a bit tipsy by then and I knew it was probably more out of loneliness, but I knew what I was doing and I have my first date rule, so we parted ways. The next day I grew more suspicious of things and I told him I’m not sure if I could trust him, as I felt he has been evasive about his past, I can’t even tell if his real name is what he told me. I asked him to send me his business card, strange request I know, it might sound like I was paranoid, but in the end I wasn’t.

PL said he was going to pick it up from his office and send it to me over the weekend, I said it’s fine I’m not in a rush. He insisted, but then later told me that he couldn’t because something happened in the office (on a Saturday!) Thing just got weirder and weirder, and it sounded to me like one excuse after another. When he finally did send a card on Sunday night, I couldn’t believe what I saw — it was this black and white card that looks like it’s just printed out of a home printer, and the sides weren’t even cut evenly.

I won’t go into the aftermath of that, but that got me thinking, is that what people do now? Go through such lengths just to lie? (But not even investing some money to print fake cards?)

People lie to get what they want because it’s convenient, and in many ways it’s easier. Yes it is manipulative, but if you can get away with it, you can get what you want without any emotional investment involved. What was funny to me though, in this case, was the fact that PL kept telling me what he “honestly” thought.

I didn’t respond to PL at all after he sent the card, I didn’t know what to say to a liar, and I wanted to see what else he’s got up his sleeve so I didn’t block him, but I stopped responding. He freaked out and kept texting and calling, so in the end I sent a message, and the last thing I said to him was:

You can lie to everyone else but not yourself, so good luck with that.

People who blatantly lie to manipulate others into getting what they want are of course despicable. But sometimes, there are people who don’t even realise they are lying to themselves and everyone around them, if they don’t know themselves well enough. People with low self-esteem might say yes to something, when what they really feel is no. I know how it is, I’ve been there. It’s like being invited to a party where everyone else is going, you’d say yes even if you actually don’t feel like it and pretend to be really excited about it, just because of the peer pressure. That doesn’t make it okay, but we’ve all been there.

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I dated a pathological liar was originally published in What’s wrong with you wo/man? on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

It’s funny how people can only have honest conversations about things when they don’t give a f*ck.

I met up with an ex that I have been with for years, his new gf is pregnant and he seems a bit stressed about it. Somehow, this pregnancy changed things between us, even though we are just friends. I wasn’t going to get back together with him anyway, that I know. I knew it was the right decision. But he said he’s sorry that things didn’t work out between us, that he tried, but I was already with someone else. He has a lot of guilt, he said.

The certainty of things changes how people see things. When things are ambivalent they could go either way, for some people this seems easier, less painful. But once something becomes certain, there is no going back, you’re stuck with the only option, whether you chose it or not.

My ex talked about the “could haves”.

I said, “But it wouldn’t have worked anyway and it’s not the reality. Don’t dwell on the past.”

I had the same problem with obsessing over the “could haves” also, it is painful to realise that all I got out of that was more heartache and time wasted. In hindsight, it’s probably better to just get on with the present, rather than chasing after mirages of the past.

People tend to dwell on lost opportunities rather than those they have taken. Once you have taken something, it’s yours, you don’t need to think much about it. It is always the things that people want but cannot have, that they feel bad about, because the things that they don’t have are full of potential and endless “could haves”.

Why? The grass is always greener on the other side.

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People always want what they cannot have was originally published in What’s wrong with you wo/man? on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

When I started my previous blog, I meant to write about the funny / weird / absurd / creepy people I come across on a dating app. Well that went well, until I fell in love with one, and then it became a blog of my failed romance. Anyhow, as if it’s meant to be, I’m back in the game, meeting more weird / absurd / creepy people.

I don’t want to write about every date anymore, nobody wants to hear about the normal ones, I figured. Not to my surprise, the weirdos are still there, and some of them are quite amusing indeed.

I have been chatting with this guy for a couple of days. Let’s call him Mr Trump of the dating world. He started off being quite flirty, but he also had some interesting things to say, so I kept on. I figured Mr T is a bit of a narcissistic and full of himself, sometimes I’d play along, but most of the time I’d just say something to crush that superficial arrogance that underlies his lack of confidence. The more I challenged him, the more he seemed intrigued by it, so I went on.

One thing that finally set my alarm bells off, was when he got all presumptuous and forward about his sexual fantasies with me. So being the 2.0 version that I vowed to be with my brutally honest self, I told him to stop doing that or I will stop responding. I told him directly that I am not an object, I am a person with my own will, and when he talked as if I was someone who would let him do whatever he wants to me just because he wanted to, it made me feel disrespected and uncomfortable. He seemed to have understood my boundaries, so we kept on chatting. I was quite proud of myself for being composed while completely honest at the same time.

Until this happened…

Mr T asked me to send more photos of myself, I reluctantly obliged, but I did not send anything that shows too much skin. I took it as my responsibility to not send anything too sexy if I don’t want to be sexualised. He immediately started making comments on my appearance, and made a borderline racist comment about the size of my boobs. I got quite pissed and told him to stop commenting on my physical appearance as if I was a piece of meat, or as if he was choosing a pet from the pet shop. I got back at him by saying (thought it was a great come back btw),

“How does that make you feel if I say that you probably have a small dick because you’re English?”

It was meant to prove a point, obviously, but he deliberately took it the wrong way. The next thing I knew, I received my first ever unsolicited dick pic, BECAUSE he was childish enough to want to show me that it’s not the case, and he tried to excuse himself by saying that he’s a forward person. I told him off immediately in the most calm and composed way possible, and I also told him to stop making excuses for being disrespectful.

It’s not the dick pic itself that’s horrifying, I mean, it’s a picture after all and it’s not like I haven’t seen one. It’s the act of doing that which says a lot about this person, and all the other guys who go around sending unsolicited dick pics, because he surely isn’t the only one. I’ve heard enough from friends that I know that it’s common.

Men who are able to do something like that are entitled and disrespectful. They might say they have a lot of respect for women (“Nobody has more respect for women than I do.” - quote from the real Donald Trump), but their actions say otherwise.

Nobody asked them to send those pics. They just assumed that they can get away with it, or that for some reason people would want to sleep with them because of that. I can’t say it doesn’t work for people with boundary issues, but it certainly does not work for me. The same way as Mr T assuming that I’d sleep with him just because HE wanted to, just because he wanted something he’s also ENTITLED to it.

But suddenly I realised one thing, I knew from the beginning that he is narcissistic and pushy, I tried to set my boundaries but at the end of the day, his issues are not mine to fix, and if that’s the kind of person he is I can’t expect him to change.

The only thing I can do is to run away, as fast as I can. I consider myself quite lucky that it was the first unsolicited dick pic I have ever received, and I certainly hope that it’s going to be the last one.

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If you’ve read this far, it’s probably safe to assume that you enjoyed reading this post, show me some love by giving me a heart! :)

The Donald Trump of dating was originally published in What’s wrong with you wo/man? on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Someone was saying to me that good things (i.e. holidays) don’t last — a typical symptom of the post-holiday blues. But that got me to think, is it true that all good things in life don’t last?

But first, what are the good things? What kind of things do we regard as “good” in our lives? Holidays, yes. Crowds, no. Booze, yes. Hangovers, no. Tasty food, yes. Fat, no. Sex, yes. STDs, no. Music, yes. Love, yes. Breakups, hell no.

See what I was trying to do there? Almost all things that we consider as “good” have bad sides to them, except for music, alright. And ALL of the “good” things don’t seem to last.

So it’s true that good things don’t last. Or is it?

If you are looking for a magical love-making bible to make it last forever, this is NOT the place. And unfortunately, even if you manage to find it, I will still guarantee you that it won’t last. So what am I talking about then? What kind of bullshit tips am I offering?

There is no magic formula to making things last. I’m sorry, but that’s the truth. The problem is not that there is just no way we can be on a constant high. It is what we consider as “good things”. All of those things I mentioned except love are things that give us pleasure, and pleasure is short-lived. A kick at best that gives us false pseudo-happiness. And we think that’s it, and we chase after those things because we think that’s what makes us happy. But guess what, we have been chasing the wrong things all along.

Let’s think about this for a moment and not drown ourselves in more drinks and sorrow just yet. There ARE good things in life that last, good things that we cannot count or accumulate. Things like love, friendship, creativity, knowledge. These are things we cannot “own” but they do last.

But wait, how does love last, if there are breakups?

Love can last, relationships might not. If a person close to you dies, do you immediately stop loving that person? No. You might not be able to love that person the same way as you used to, but it’s still there. The thing is, love is not something that we can “own”, it is not a possession or an object, and when you don’t own something, how can you lose it?

So this is really not about making the “good things” that we can count or own last. The number one tip is realising what the REAL good things are in our lives, the things that we don’t have to “make” last, because they naturally do, as long as we keep looking.

Love is not something that we can “own”, it is not a possession or an object, and when you don’t own something, how can you lose it?

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If you’ve read this far, it’s probably safe to assume that you enjoyed reading this post, show me some love by giving me a heart! :)

Tips to making good things in life last was originally published in What’s wrong with you wo/man? on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Since this is our first blog post I feel like there is a need to explain how this idea came about. I remember sitting in a hipster bar in town after movie and dinner with Faithful opportunist (FO), talking about relationships over beer with punny names. We often have different opinions on things and it was particularly strong over this question: to sleep or not to sleep on first dates? After much heated debate we couldn’t come to a conclusion. We have been thinking about starting a blog, and so I thought, why not start with a debate on whether it’s a good idea to have sex on first dates?

Well I have to admit I haven’t been in the dating game for long. After getting out of a long-term relationship for a while, I decided to try online dating and managed to hit it off with the first person I met on an app, I did go out on dates with other people too, but I already fell for the first guy.

Anyway, when I was going on dates with people I met online, I had this “no sex on first dates” rule, and I was not afraid to let my dates know about it. I just wanted to make it clear upfront. So why did I have this rule? I’m sure I didn’t invent this by myself, but my reason behind was quite simple — I wanted to make sure that my dates wanted to see me at least once again so I know they are not just after a hookup.

As random as my rule might have seem at the time, as I read on about relationships, it makes even more sense to me. I have seen more than one dating advice column say that you should sleep with a guy only when he is committed to you, if you’re looking for a relationship, that is. Some might say that it’s men’s instinct to hunt, and hence you have to make them chase.

My theory is that men’s ultimate goal in a relationship is to have sex — I’m not saying they don’t want other things, but sex is definitely a goal for them. If a relationship is a competition, then sex is the prize. What do you do if you get the prize BEFORE a race? Would you even care about the race? Probably not right, what’s the point?

Now I’m not saying that people should hold out on sex as a way to manipulate other people into committing to them. I’m just saying that to have a relationship and not a hookup you need to allow time for two people to get to know each other and develop deeper feelings, and the risk of losing that time is a lot larger if you go all the way on a first date.

Men are wired biologically to have this urge to spread their seeds, if sex happens on a first date then this biological need is fulfilled, and unless you have already shown him on the date that you have a lot more to offer, he won’t have much incentive to start a relationship.

People always treasure things they have worked hard for more, rather than things that were handed to them without them having made any effort. This is true for both men and women. Think about the first mobile phone or the first item / trip / meal that you had to save up or spent all summer working to get enough money to pay for, do you still remember what it was? Does it give you fonder memories than any other similar things you bought later on?

Rarity is a tactic that brands often use also, products are perceived to have higher value if they are rare and hard to get. For ladies, it’s like a Birkin handbag, hell there are even articles written to teach people “How to buy your first Hermes Birkin”. And for men, doesn’t that limited edition Porsche 911 GT3 RS4.0 make you drool? (I have no idea how rare this is but I believe in the power of google)

To sleep or not to sleep on first dates, that is NOT the question. The question is, do you want a hookup or a relationship?

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If you’ve read this far, it’s probably safe to assume that you enjoyed reading this post, show me some love by giving me a heart! :)

To sleep or not to sleep (on first dates) was originally published in What’s wrong with you wo/man? on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.