RELATIONSHIPS

He is Probably Not THE ONE — Why It Doesn’t Matter

You will break up and make mistakes. Boys will disappoint you. Relationships will end. It’s okay. That’s life. Unsolicited dating advice. (Letters to my daughter)

Image created by “AI tool Microsoft Bing Image Creator powered by DALL·E” — the author has the provenance and copyright.

“Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” — Marilyn Monroe

Dear daughter,

Life is full of adventures and surprises. Love is the greatest roller coaster of them all! That’s all part of the fun. You will never know how something will end, only that it has begun. Sometimes, not even that.

The first relationships are confusing as hell

You’re constantly doubting and seeking confirmation from your current crush. Wondering:

“Are we like, dating now? Does he like me? Does he love me? Am I your girlfriend? How serious is this? What are we doing? Is this a one-night, two-night thing? Is he the one? Is he going to propose? Can we just be friends — with benefits?”

I can’t say I miss the confusion and lack of confidence. I’ve been there and done that, but you haven’t.

For you, all of this will be a tale of firsts

First kiss. Firs hug. First date. First serious relationship. First breakup. First heartbreak. First rebound. First time being dumped. First time dumping someone.

Ah, I have some fond memories, I can tell you that. There are some painful ones as well, but they are few and far between, which is why I’m writing you this letter.

When you fall in love, you fall under a spell

The one you love is your world. You cannot imagine a life without them. You refuse to believe you’ll ever be happy if they’re not part of your life. I get it.

We’ve all been there. We’ve all had our hearts broken, most more than once. We’ve all built up people and relationships in our minds, hoping for a happy ever after, only to see it all fall apart and disappoint us.

Breaking up is not fun, but it’s not the end of the world

It will feel as if it is, though. As if the ground beneath your feet opened up and swallowed you whole. Drowning in your sorrow, you’ll be suffocating with a broken heart.

“He was the one! I will never love again! No one will ever be this good to me. What we had was special,” you’ll exclaim as you wallow in pity, and it will feel hopeless. I’ve got good news for you, young lady.

You’re wrong!

You’re under the influence of the most powerful drug in the history of humanity — love. Blind as a mole rat and stupid as a rock!

Love does that to a person. I was no different. We lose ourselves and our good senses with it. Running around like headless chickens, we cry and haul at the moon of our misfortunes, but it’s all an illusion. It’s the drug. It’s not real. It’ll pass!

The truth is that:

• Your heart will heal.
• You will love again.
• You will find someone even better for you.
• The next relationship will surpass the last.
• What seems like the end of the world will one day be a distant memory, packing no emotional punch. It might even make you smile.

Here’s one more truth for you. One you should engrave on your forehead as you walk through life.

If you broke up, it’s probably for the best

You just weren’t meant for each other. Let them go and move on. Do not dream of times gone by but of new adventures, new people, and new love.

Whatever you do — don’t get back together with people you broke up with! Take it as a s sign. The universe gave you a way out before things got too serious.

Think of yourself as lucky that you dodged that bullet and are now free to find something better. You’ve wasted enough time on that relationship with that person. I hope it was fun. If it was, no time was wasted — life was lived!

You’ll understand these words once you have a few “failed” relationships behind your belt. Looking back, we almost always feel fortunate that things didn’t work out. The problem is we can only see it after the fact — a few years or decades into the future. Never when we’re crying ourselves to sleep, hugging our knees, with our world seemingly burning all around us.

“Once you meet the right person, you will know why the others were wrong for you.” by someone very wise

Failed relationships are not failures

They’re not mistakes. Get that out of your head. They are just experiences. Life is composed of various experiences, pleasant and unpleasant. Ups and downs. One day, a greater truth will become clear to you.

All of them were good, you just didn’t know why

You must grow and become someone worthy and capable of a long-lasting relationship. Trial and error is needed, as with all things.

Sure, some meet in their teens and remain together until death, but they are rare. Furthermore, they learn these lessons the hard way! By going through unimaginable ups and downs while remaining in the same relationship. They process their demons together, overcome their frustrations, and hammer their steel into form through fire until they build something sustainable.

This is not the easiest path. It just looks like it to an outsider! Don’t build it up in your dreams as some fantasy of perfect love. It’s not. It’s messy and painful. Perhaps even more than for the rest of us, who have the luxury of walking away. There is also nothing wrong with it.

Walk up the stairs until you get to the top

Imagine all of your relationships and people you loved as stairs. You have to get to the top to win. In this case, a win is a happy ever after, family, kids, whatever that means to you. There is no getting to the top without taking it one stair at a time.

• Are those stairs a mistake? Are they failures? (if they lead you in the right direction)
• Are you not learning what you want, need, like, and dislike in the process?
• How are you supposed to find the perfect person and build the perfect relationship if you don’t know what you like and dislike or what a bad relationship looks like?
• All of those stairs and relationships are lessons learned. With each one, you know more about yourself, life, love, people in general, and how to build a good thing.

Every single relationship has given me a lot

I regret nothing, and neither should you! I’m better now than I was before. I know myself more. I understand women and relationships in ways I couldn’t have imagined. Yes, there were painful moments, but that’s just life. It’s not bad per se. Looking back, I remember more beautiful moments than ugly ones, anyway. You will, too.

Not all relationships are meant to work out

In fact, most won’t. But that doesn’t make them a mistake. It doesn’t make them wrong. If you’ve just fallen in love and are somewhere in your teens, I can almost guarantee you it won’t work out. The odds don’t improve in your twenties, either.

Don’t be angry at me for saying this or sad

There is nothing wrong with relationships that don’t work out. Go out, meet people, and have fun. Experiment, give it your best shot. If it works out, great. If not, dust yourself off and try again with someone new — wiser for the lessons.

You’ll get there eventually. Don’t worry about it. It’s all part of life. Most people have a fair number of relationships behind them before they settle down. I believe it’s for the best.

I said I don’t regret anything, but that’s a lie

I don’t regret what I tried and didn’t work out.

• I regret all those years I refused to meet new people and give them a chance.
• I regret not being more open and less judgemental.
• I regret not going on more dates. Not all people have to become “the one.”

My moral compass often stopped me from giving girls a chance because somewhere deep within, I felt they couldn’t be “the one,” and I didn’t want to hurt their feelings or give them false hope.

I was wrong to judge them, and I was wrong to prevent myself from experiencing more. More love. More heartbreak. More passion. More adventures.

When do you know they are the one?

You’ll just know. Somewhere deep within, you won’t fight the future anymore. You won’t complicate things and look for ideals. You’ll accept them for who they are and envision a life together. You will become the one for them, and the rest will flow naturally.

When you’ll be ready — they will come

Your grandparents almost lost hope for your old man. I took my sweet time. I felt the desire to become a father rise within me, and I noticed I was looking for different qualities in women.

Soon after, a few failed dates and one weird but interesting relationship later, I met your mom. The rest is history. Just steps on my way to holding you in my arms, my darling.

We wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for all those “failed” relationships. So, how were they bad?

I couldn’t have found her before

I wasn’t ready, and neither was she. We could have worked together, met in a bar, or had a weird fling, and it probably wouldn’t have worked out. There is a time and place for everything. Trust me.

When you’re ready, things will work out as if by magic

Until then, relax, don’t take life too seriously, keep your expectations in check, and enjoy life. Be fully present in your relationships, and don’t worry about where they lead. Make the most of them while you can. The future will take care of itself. Que serra, serra, baby girl!

Love, Dad.

I write letters to my daughter, but they’re meant for all the daughters of the world.

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