The cover letter I would submit if honesty and self-deprecation were conducive to employment

To Whom It May Concern: You should give me a job, even though you shouldn’t

The Quips of a Pedantic Socialite are Severely Economized

Thank you, New York Times, for inspiring me to steal my wife’s breast milk and sell it online

Plus Size Model Doubles As Before Picture Model

A Mad Libs Approach to 4 Romantic Comedies Buttressed by Lady Gaga’s Empowering “Born This Way”

Novo Nordisk Launches Fun Size Insulin Pen

COPENHAGEN, DENMARK — Danish pharmaceutical company Novo Nordisk launched sales of…

Papa John’s Founder John Schnatter Debriefs SEAL Team Six

The Federally Administered Tribal Areas of…

Grand Duke of Luxembourg Wonders Why Phone Not Tapped

A Budget Airline that Spares Every Expense

Dear passengers,

I Understand You’ve Met My New Codpiece

Eyes up here, ladies.

Or keep them down there if you must. I really don’t care. Today, for the first time in a long time, I am impervious to your litany of dismissive glares, demeaning projectiles and figuratively cast…