Bracketly Ever After (Part 2)
A Tournament-Style Exercise to Find Out Which Disney Princess Would Get the Final Rose
If you missed Part 1, click here. We began with a field of 13 Disney Princesses (well, only 12, after exposing that fraud, Mulan), and asked the question, “Who would you most like to live happily ever after with?” Decisions were made. Feelings were hurt. We’re now left with the Enchanted Eight, who will battle it out in an attempt to become the One True Princess.
This is where it starts getting complicated. That first round was easy. It was mostly pitting the old school vs. the new. And call me new fashioned, but I like my princesses to be non-useless. The ones who want to make something of themselves, rather than just wait for a prince to provide it for them. The ones who actually like having a good time, and who can make friends (human friends, not just birds and mice). Plus the old school probs just wants to immediately make babies.
There’s no obvious weak links left. They’re all smokin’ hot. They’ve all got incredible voices. They’re all courageous and will stand up for what they believe in. Any of us would be lucky for a chance to win one of their hands…
…Ahem. Uh, excuse me. We’d all be lucky for a chance to meet them and take them out on a date, get to know each other, and see if there’s any chemistry. Even let them offer to split the bill, but don’t actually split the bill, so they know you’re progressive enough to see them as equals, but strong enough to stick to your guns and let them know that chivalry is not dead. Then they go home and immediately text their bestie to tell her about this great guy they just went out with and how funny and handsome he is and how they hope you call tomorrow and…
I’m getting ahead of myself.
To the tournament!
#1. Elsa vs. #8 Pocahontas
Aside from singing songs that give you the feels, Pocahontas is the most outdoorsy of the group. That much is clear. The first time we see her, she dives off a cliff that is roughly 1000 feet above the water (no joke — I know this because I was a physics major and I calculated it based on how long it takes her to fall).
So if you’re the crunchy type who considers REI a second home, she might be the girl for you. Although she’ll look down on you in a major way for setting foot in that corporate house full of shortcuts. “Fucking noob,” she’ll utter under her breath, as you pull out your fancy camping stove that charges your cell phone from the excess heat.
Here’s the thing about camping, though: not that great of a lifestyle! I imagine a lot of fights originating from the scenario described above. She claims not to take herself seriously, but that’s not how she comes off. Granted, we only see her while there’s some pretty heavy shit going on in her life, but I don’t know if I could go the distance with someone who’s constantly reminding me to leave no trace.
Elsa is no bag of fun, either. But by the end of her movie, she does lighten up. And she has the powers of a fucking X-Man! Worth it for the party tricks alone: “Aw dude, you brought warm beer? No worries, my girl’s got you covered.”
#4. Merida vs. #5 Jasmine
Quick story: I went skiing the other weekend. At one point in the afternoon, we veered off the run to take a break and have a beer. I packed a snowball, and threw it at a tree. Pointing at the circular white mark left by the snow that stuck to the tree, I challenged my friends: “that’s the target”. I then packed another snowball, and proceeded to hit the target so perfectly, that you would still think only one snowball had been thrown. It was one of the cooler things I’ve ever done on a ski slope.
“I’m fucking Robin Hood!” I exclaimed, referring to the legendary archer’s shot where he splits an arrow already occupying the center of the bullseye. What I didn’t know at the time was that I could have exclaimed “I’m fucking Merida!” because she does the exact same thing, in one of the greatest acts of badassery by any Disney Princess ever.
Knowing that her hand in marriage is the prize in an archery contest, she announces she’ll be competing herself, for herself, and mops the floor with the bros trying to impress her.
Talent is sexy. She’s got that going for her. Which is nice. I’m also a sucker for accents. She has her head on straight. A solid outlook on life.
And yet…she’s just not…Jasmine. If a girl like Jasmine happens to be into you, the feeling is nothing sort of intoxicating. Just look at how quickly Aladdin falls for her. She’s charismatic, funny, rich, and on another level physically. Remember towards the end of the movie, where she turns on the sexy seductress act to distract Jafar? Just knowing she’s got that in her arsenal to bring out every once is a while is reason enough to get involved.
I’m sorry, Merida. You ran into a buzzsaw in this round. This ends your time here on The Cooties Report.
#2 Anna vs. #10 Tiana
Let me start by saying that The Princess and the Frog is a great flick. For one, it’s kind of cool having one of these movies set in America, and less than a hundred years ago (1920’s New Orleans). It’s also the least subtle in its social commentary, as it doesn’t hesitate to point out white privilege/racial inequality. (This helps you justify watching it alone as a male in your thirties). The villain, secondary characters, and songs are great. Go check it out.
And Tiana is pretty cool herself. She’s sassy, confident, attractive, but approachable. A winner all around.
The problems come when you imagine the reality of life after saying “I do.” To be sure, her ambitious nature is admirable. But she is so committed to running her restaurant, I worry she’d be married to her work. Coming home late, dead tired, and just wanting to get a few hours of sleep before she has to wake up and do it all again. That’s what brings her joy, and I can’t fault her for that.
But compare that to Anna, who just oozes fun all of the time.
You can’t really go wrong in this match-up, but I’m going to go with Anna, who’s care-free attitude is just more my type. Plus those freckles. Adorbs.
#3 Rapunzel vs. #6 Belle
Lost among all the magic spells and happy endings in these movies is how fucked up some of the plot points are. I mentioned last week how a woman hires a hitman to cut the heart out of her own step-daughter. Maleficent condemns Aurora to eternal sleep just because she wasn’t invited to a party. And in Tangled, Rapunzel is kidnapped as a baby, and raised locked in a one-room tower, forbidden from going outside. Shit is dark.
Somehow, as Rapunzel’s 18th birthday approaches, she’s turned out okay. She’s even kinda cool. But her sheltered upbringing shows at times. That would be a lot of baggage to deal with. As she’s being reintegrated into society, who knows what sort of person she’ll become. Good chance she’d catch mismatched feelings, and I’d have to let things fizzle.
Belle, on the other hand — she may not know exactly where she’s going in life, but she certainly has the tools to get there. My guess is that she’s got the highest IQ among the candidates. Kind of a Beautiful Mind thing going on.
And she’s non-useless, as she shows a lot of courage and initiative in rescuing her had, of whom, btw, I think I would get along with quite well. She’s a weirdo, but a captivating one. “Strange but special” as the townfolk say. And that’s enough to move her on to the next round.
And so we’ve reached The Final Four. Actually, no, I’ll probably get sued for using that term this time of year. Let’s call it…The Fantastic Four! Er…wait, that’s ones already taken as well. Let’s go with…ah, perfect:
The Fairest Four
#1 Elsa vs. #5 Jasmine
I mentioned Elsa’s magic powers and how cool they are. Superman’s Fortress of Solitude has got nothing on the castle she builds. But I’ve got an abnormally low tolerance for the cold. If Elsa could turn San Francisco into a tropical beach town for a day, now that would really be something.
On the other hand, what if her powers extend inwards, and she’s cold on the inside? And, like, you know — frigid.
Boy, does she have pipes though. She’d be fun to bring to a karaoke bar. I’d have her sing “Let It Go” (great karaoke song, btw), and watch in delight as the bar patrons first marvel at how well she’s nailing it, and then realize in awe that it’s the real Elsa singing up there. Good times.
And I do like the platinum blonde hair. Unfortunately, she can be a bit of a stick-in-the-mud. And unfortunately for her, that’s no match up against Jasmine’s flirtatious wit.
If this were a tournament of Disney Princes, Aladdin would win in a runaway, because he’s the one I identify most with. He and Jasmine had instant chemistry, so I’m assuming it’d be the same for Jasmine and I.
For all these reasons, Jasmine moves on.
#2 Anna vs. #6 Belle
The awkward slacker to her sister’s protective sensibilities, Anna knows how to have fun, which is really the key to this whole “love” thing, right? As my Tinder profile states:
I’ve entered my 30's, but I’m not quite ready to give up my 20’s lifestyle. Don’t get me wrong — I want to live happily ever after just as much as the next guy. I just want to keep doing fun things along the way.
Pretty good, right? Anna fits that bill perfectly. She fights for her right to party, but she’s also lazy enough such that it wouldn’t take much to convince her to just Netflix and chill on some nights.
Belle is probably more of a Books and chill kind of girl. It’s cool that she’s so smart and well-read, but I think she might be too much of a goodie-goodie. Like if I wanted to go out drinking with my friends, I don’t think she’d fight me on it, but she also wouldn’t ever want to come. Even if there were other girls there. “You go ahead; I just can’t put this book down! It’s got far off places, daring swordfights, magic spells, a prince in disguise!”
Nobody actually wants to settle down with someone. People want to take off with someone.
I know this is going to upset a lot of people, but I’m taking off with Anna. Belle, you’re out :(
The Championship
#5 Jasmine vs. #2 Anna
Going into this project, I had an inkling these two might meet in the finals. And even as I’m writing this, I’m not sure who I’m taking. The long-held crush vs. the fresh, fun upstart. They would both make your friends jealous.
Anna because she’s got that whole “one of the guys” thing going. Good sense of humor, low maintenance, awkward but in an endearing way.
But Jasmine would be the one who would make your friends say “Seriously dude, how the fuck are you pulling this off?” For one, I don’t think there’s a single heterosexual, non-racist male who would swipe left on Jasmine. She’s pretty much in a league of her own. But even aside from her looks, she’s got the confidence and charm that would help skip the line at any club. Plus you know she’s a good dancer. And since dancing is a proxy for sex, that’s when your friends would get really jealous.
But it’s not just her sexuality. She has a sharp mind, as well. She can improvise quickly to get out of a pickle, as she does with Aladdin in the marketplace. She’ll call you on your bullshit, as she does with her dad.
Anna, on the other hand, seems to lack a bullshit detector entirely, as she gets herself engaged to an asshole within hours of meeting him. She learns from her mistake, but ugh, red flag, Anna!
It’s really a struggle because Anna is exactly my type. Light eyes, freckles, great hair. And I’m pretty sure she’s got the best sense of humor in the group. I’m quite certain I could live happily ever after with her.
But with Jasmine, I would be living ecstatically ever after. And that is why we have a final bracket that looks like this:
Unmentioned in all of this the perks that come with Jasmine. Access to the Genie would be pretty sweet. Never had a friend like him. Although on second thought, you’d have to assume he’d take Aladdin’s side in the break-up.
I’m sure Anna could get her sis to build a sweet ice castle for us. But like I said, I’m more of a warm weather guy. The Palace of Agrabah will do just fine.
All the other princesses are invited to our wedding.
Hey! If you enjoyed reading this, go ahead and hit the green, heart-shaped “Recommend” button below. Makes it easier for others to find and enjoy. Everybody wins! And don’t forget you can follow on Twitter @CootiesReport and on on Facebook, too. And feel free to reach out to cooties.report@gmail.com if you want to ask a question, or spill your most intimate secrets or whatever.
