Reader Question: You and Lauren Swing But That’s Not An Open Marriage? Please Explain.
Here, I go into the key differences between open marriage, swinging and polyamory
I received a question that I think is quite relevant to a lot I’ve been reading lately about nonmonogamy. Here’s the question:
What’s the difference between what you and Lauren practice in your marriage and having an open marriage? I see what you do as an open marriage but you say it isn’t. Thank you for addressing my question!
There are multiple forms of consensual nonmonogamy. The three primary forms are:
- Open marriage
- Polyamory
- Swinging
Open marriage
Lauren and I don’t have an open marriage. We’ve never had an open marriage. And we never plan to have an open marriage. In an open marriage, both partners, by mutual agreement, are free to have sexual relationships with whomever they please.
We are not fans of open marriage because we believe it can erode trust. In our lifestyle, we don’t associate with any couples that have open marriages because 1) open marriages don’t align with our beliefs and values, and 2) swinging with couples engaged in open marriages is super risky from an STD transmission standpoint.
So what do Lauren and I practice, and how does it differ from an open marriage? We practice two lifestyles. We practice polyamory and we also swing.
Polyamory
What’s polyamory? I’ve written a lot about it here. In a nutshell:
Polyamory is a form of ethical non-monogamy that involves committed relationships between two or more people — typically romantic relationships.
Lauren and I have practiced polyamory for 25 years, and for us it involves a female lover who we share as a couple and who Lauren also has an intimate relationship with since she’s bisexual. We’ve had many polyamorous lovers over the years and have been with our current lover, Piper, since 2019. All of our polyamorous lovers have been bisexual women.
We got into polyamory in 1998 because it was a way for Lauren to live authentically as a bisexual woman. At the time, we didn’t call it “polyamory”; we didn’t really have a name for it.
Initially, Lauren shared her lovers with me but over time her lovers have become our lovers. Essentially, Piper is a girlfriend we both share. She typically stays with us a few nights per week, and we have threesome sex when she stays over. Lauren and Piper also engage in 1:1 sex and Piper and I do the same. Occasionally, Lauren, Piper and I vacation together, too.
Lauren and Piper are in love with each other. It is hard for me to put into words how I feel about Piper. This I know: If I’m in lover with Piper, it is not to the extent that I’m in love with Lauren, but I definitely love Piper.
Our approach to polyamory is that the relationship Lauren and I share as spouses always comes first. Piper comes second, and she knows that. This approach works for us, and we can’t recommend it enough to other married couples considering polyamory.
I should mention that we have parameters to our polyamory. For instance, we’ve never had a polyamorous relationship with another guy, nor would we ever do that. We’ve only had polyamorous relationships with other women because polyamory is a great way for Lauren to live her bisexuality. If Lauren weren’t bisexual, we probably wouldn’t practice polyamory.
What does polyamory look like for married couples with children? Lauren and I have a son and I won’t go into any specifics, except to say we’ve managed it well to date.
Swinging
Polyamory and swinging frequently get confused, and swinging often gets confused with open marriage, but they are quite different. Some people insist that swinging is a form of open marriage. We don’t look at it that way.
For us, whereas polyamory is about having a loving relationship with another woman, swinging is about swapping and having various types of group sex with other couples. We have been swinging since 2009 and typically engage in that lifestyle most (but not all) weekends. Over the years, we’ve swung with hundreds of couples. Lauren’s closing in on 500 sex partners and I’m approaching 300 (she has more because she’s bisexual — I’m hetero).
We also see swinging as quite different from open marriage. Lauren and I swing together as a couple — it’s a lifestyle we share. Though we occasionally have sex with others in separate rooms, we mostly engage in sex in the same room, and usually that is a straight-up swap with another couple or group sex with multiple couples.
Piper, our polyamorous lover, knows we swing but she doesn’t engage in the lifestyle.
These days, our swinger circles include about a dozen couples who we regularly hook up with. We all know each other well. We all trust each other. We all get regular STD testing so we can have condomless sex. And we all agree to certain rules, including that:
- We won’t engage in open marriage (which, as noted above, can be risky from a disease transmission standpoint).
- No romance between spouses from different couples — absolutely forbidden.
- Other rules you can read here.
Because we agree to a set of rules and know each other very well, we’re able to enjoy condomless sex and have some pretty wild fun with the couples that we primarily swing with. There’s almost nothing we haven’t done as far as swinging — every form of group sex you could imagine, kinky role-playing, orgies, two/three-on-ones, matching games, gangbangs, blowbangs, etc.
We do occasionally hook up with other couples, too, but with those other couples condoms are required.
The most important thing about our approach to swinging is this:
At the end the night, you go home with your spouse and no one else.
Interestingly, although every single wife in our swingers circles is bisexual, only a few have lovers they share with their husbands as Lauren and I do.
Bottom line: In open marriage, the spouses operate alone in their sexual relationships with others. Open marriage is individualized.
In swinging and in polyamory, Lauren and I operate together and decide as a couple what we want and don’t want.
I hope that’s helpful!
