Published inSlackjaw·Sep 27, 2020Member-onlyHow To Win Friends And Influence People, According To My Three-Year-Old NieceAnyone with half a heart — and half an ear — would ask you why you are crying. — Step #1: Bait them Never forget your ABCs: Always Be Crying. This is the oldest trick in the book. Anyone with half a heart — and half an ear — will ask why you’re crying. If need be, play dirty. Cover yourself in mud. On your pants is good. On your face is better…Humor3 min readHumor3 min read
Published inGreener Pastures Magazine·Aug 28, 2020Member-onlyAn Inclusion Statement From The Future Most Diverse Corporation On EarthYou could not possibly be more inclusive than we are. — Dear employees, We failed you. For decades our company’s diversity level has been at the lowest levels of our whole industry. This changes now. …Humor3 min readHumor3 min read
Published inGreener Pastures Magazine·Aug 26, 2020Member-onlyHey Neighbor, I Just Bought A TromboneDo you want to join my polyamorous trombone cult? — Hey neighbor, How is life? Sounds wonderful, but I have to stop you there. I just bought a trombone! No-no, I don’t know how to play it, yet, but I know I am a natural. …Music3 min readMusic3 min read
Published inThoughts And Ideas·Jul 29, 2020Member-onlyBecome A Small Talk Ninja In 5 MinutesBe a better conversationalist with 4 basic principles. — “So, what do think of this weather?”, she asked. I rolled my eyes. “The summer rains are doing god’s work to the local wheat farms.”, and I mentally checked out. We both knew what was happening. She was in small-talking mode — one of the conversational darkest sins. Apologies…Conversations5 min readConversations5 min read
Published inThe Haven·Jun 5, 2020Member-onlyA Letter To The Nigerian Prince That Will Split His $10 Million Inheritance With MeI am finally ready for the money transfer. — Dear Nigerian Prince, Since your distress signal a couple of months ago, our bond has grown stronger with each email. How could I refuse to join hands with you? …Humor3 min readHumor3 min read
Published inThe Haven·Apr 27, 2020Member-onlyTotally Reasonable Terms and Conditions For Your Time MachineI confirm that I have read and understood the Terms and Conditions. — Dear customer, You are the proud owner of an apparatus that allows you to wrap the time-space continuum in any possible direction. We guarantee 110% satisfaction as long as you follow our totally reasonable terms and conditions. Before we start, use your time machine to give your 2-hours-ago-self a pat…Funny4 min readFunny4 min read
Published inSlackjaw·Apr 20, 2020Member-onlyTypes Of Vegetarianism Based On Level Of Self-RighteousnessAs seen from the eyes of an all-round-balanced-diet eater. — Are you organizing a dinner party, and unfamiliar with the types of vegetarianism? Don’t know how to express your overdeveloped self-righteousness through your diet? Navigate the different types of vegetarianism without fear of mislabeling with the following guide: Level 1 — Flexiterian or Faketarian You understand the looming threat of meat over-consumption but also identify as…Humor3 min readHumor3 min read
Published inMuddyUm·Apr 13, 2020Member-onlyTime of Death: The Kickstarter Project Dying To Be FundedDeath is unavoidable. Time of Death is relative. — We are Jonathan and Katie, a married couple from Bristol, and for years we have been wondering: When will death really do us apart? We devoted our lives in answering this question and we conceived the first watch which tells when it is your time to die. …Satire3 min readSatire3 min read
Published inThe Haven·Apr 8, 2020Member-onlyTotally Fake Virtual Reality Games That Could Have Been RealThey are like reality. But even realer. Really. — Dear participants of Virtual-thon 2020, Thank you for coming for one more year to our conference. You know the procedure. Put on your goggles. Recline. Lower your pulse. And above all, be prepared to have your virtual socks blown off. Awesome fake VR games that could have been real will…Humor3 min readHumor3 min read
Published inSlackjaw·Apr 5, 2020Member-onlyI Am A Plantaholic In Recovery And I Am 6 Weeks CleanMy plant addiction destroyed my life. And I uprooted it once and for all. — Hey all, My name is Gregory and it’s been 6 weeks since my last visit to the garden section of Home Depot. For the past 4 years, I’ve had a chlorophyll-thirsty tiger in my chest. I am embarrassed to say it out loud, but I bankrupted my family buying…Plants4 min readPlants4 min read