You could not possibly be more inclusive than we are. — Dear employees, We failed you. For decades our company’s diversity level has been at the lowest levels of our whole industry. This changes now. …

Do you want to join my polyamorous trombone cult? — Hey neighbor, How is life? Sounds wonderful, but I have to stop you there. I just bought a trombone! No-no, I don’t know how to play it, yet, but I know I am a natural. …

Be a better conversationalist with 4 basic principles. — “So, what do think of this weather?”, she asked. I rolled my eyes. “The summer rains are doing god’s work to the local wheat farms.”, and I mentally checked out. We both knew what was happening. She was in small-talking mode — one of the conversational darkest sins. Apologies…

I am finally ready for the money transfer. — Dear Nigerian Prince, Since your distress signal a couple of months ago, our bond has grown stronger with each email. How could I refuse to join hands with you? …

I confirm that I have read and understood the Terms and Conditions. — Dear customer, You are the proud owner of an apparatus that allows you to wrap the time-space continuum in any possible direction. We guarantee 110% satisfaction as long as you follow our totally reasonable terms and conditions. Before we start, use your time machine to give your 2-hours-ago-self a pat…

As seen from the eyes of an all-round-balanced-diet eater. — Are you organizing a dinner party, and unfamiliar with the types of vegetarianism? Don’t know how to express your overdeveloped self-righteousness through your diet? Navigate the different types of vegetarianism without fear of mislabeling with the following guide: Level 1 — Flexiterian or Faketarian You understand the looming threat of meat over-consumption but also identify as…

Death is unavoidable. Time of Death is relative. — We are Jonathan and Katie, a married couple from Bristol, and for years we have been wondering: When will death really do us apart? We devoted our lives in answering this question and we conceived the first watch which tells when it is your time to die. …

They are like reality. But even realer. Really. — Dear participants of Virtual-thon 2020, Thank you for coming for one more year to our conference. You know the procedure. Put on your goggles. Recline. Lower your pulse. And above all, be prepared to have your virtual socks blown off. Awesome fake VR games that could have been real will…

My plant addiction destroyed my life. And I uprooted it once and for all. — Hey all, My name is Gregory and it’s been 6 weeks since my last visit to the garden section of Home Depot. For the past 4 years, I’ve had a chlorophyll-thirsty tiger in my chest. I am embarrassed to say it out loud, but I bankrupted my family buying…