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Thanos Antoniou
Thanos Antoniou

1.1K Followers

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Published in

Slackjaw

·Sep 27, 2020

How To Win Friends And Influence People, According To My Three-Year-Old Niece

Anyone with half a heart — and half an ear — would ask you why you are crying. — Step #1: Bait them Never forget your ABCs: Always Be Crying. This is the oldest trick in the book. Anyone with half a heart — and half an ear — will ask why you’re crying. If need be, play dirty. Cover yourself in mud. On your pants is good. On your face is better…

Humor

3 min read

How To Win Friends And Influence People, According To My Three-Year-Old Niece
How To Win Friends And Influence People, According To My Three-Year-Old Niece
Humor

3 min read


Published in

Greener Pastures Magazine

·Aug 28, 2020

An Inclusion Statement From The Future Most Diverse Corporation On Earth

You could not possibly be more inclusive than we are. — Dear employees, We failed you. For decades our company’s diversity level has been at the lowest levels of our whole industry. This changes now. …

Humor

3 min read

An Inclusion Statement From The Future Most Diverse Corporation On Earth
An Inclusion Statement From The Future Most Diverse Corporation On Earth
Humor

3 min read


Published in

Greener Pastures Magazine

·Aug 26, 2020

Hey Neighbor, I Just Bought A Trombone

Do you want to join my polyamorous trombone cult? — Hey neighbor, How is life? Sounds wonderful, but I have to stop you there. I just bought a trombone! No-no, I don’t know how to play it, yet, but I know I am a natural. …

Music

3 min read

Hey Neighbor, I Just Bought A Trombone
Hey Neighbor, I Just Bought A Trombone
Music

3 min read


Published in

Thoughts And Ideas

·Jul 29, 2020

Become A Small Talk Ninja In 5 Minutes

Be a better conversationalist with 4 basic principles. — “So, what do think of this weather?”, she asked. I rolled my eyes. “The summer rains are doing god’s work to the local wheat farms.”, and I mentally checked out. We both knew what was happening. She was in small-talking mode — one of the conversational darkest sins. Apologies…

Conversations

5 min read

Become A Small Talk Ninja In 5 Minutes
Become A Small Talk Ninja In 5 Minutes
Conversations

5 min read


Published in

The Haven

·Jun 5, 2020

A Letter To The Nigerian Prince That Will Split His $10 Million Inheritance With Me

I am finally ready for the money transfer. — Dear Nigerian Prince, Since your distress signal a couple of months ago, our bond has grown stronger with each email. How could I refuse to join hands with you? …

Humor

3 min read

A Letter To The Nigerian Prince That Will Split His $10 Million Inheritance With Me
A Letter To The Nigerian Prince That Will Split His $10 Million Inheritance With Me
Humor

3 min read


Published in

The Haven

·Apr 27, 2020

Totally Reasonable Terms and Conditions For Your Time Machine

I confirm that I have read and understood the Terms and Conditions. — Dear customer, You are the proud owner of an apparatus that allows you to wrap the time-space continuum in any possible direction. We guarantee 110% satisfaction as long as you follow our totally reasonable terms and conditions. Before we start, use your time machine to give your 2-hours-ago-self a pat…

Funny

4 min read

Totally Reasonable Terms and Conditions For Your Time Machine
Totally Reasonable Terms and Conditions For Your Time Machine
Funny

4 min read


Published in

Slackjaw

·Apr 20, 2020

Types Of Vegetarianism Based On Level Of Self-Righteousness

As seen from the eyes of an all-round-balanced-diet eater. — Are you organizing a dinner party, and unfamiliar with the types of vegetarianism? Don’t know how to express your overdeveloped self-righteousness through your diet? Navigate the different types of vegetarianism without fear of mislabeling with the following guide: Level 1 — Flexiterian or Faketarian You understand the looming threat of meat over-consumption but also identify as…

Humor

3 min read

Types Of Vegetarianism Based On Level Of Self-Righteousness
Types Of Vegetarianism Based On Level Of Self-Righteousness
Humor

3 min read


Published in

MuddyUm

·Apr 13, 2020

Time of Death: The Kickstarter Project Dying To Be Funded

Death is unavoidable. Time of Death is relative. — We are Jonathan and Katie, a married couple from Bristol, and for years we have been wondering: When will death really do us apart? We devoted our lives in answering this question and we conceived the first watch which tells when it is your time to die. …

Satire

3 min read

Time of Death: The Kickstarter Project Dying To Be Funded
Time of Death: The Kickstarter Project Dying To Be Funded
Satire

3 min read


Published in

The Haven

·Apr 8, 2020

Totally Fake Virtual Reality Games That Could Have Been Real

They are like reality. But even realer. Really. — Dear participants of Virtual-thon 2020, Thank you for coming for one more year to our conference. You know the procedure. Put on your goggles. Recline. Lower your pulse. And above all, be prepared to have your virtual socks blown off. Awesome fake VR games that could have been real will…

Humor

3 min read

Totally Fake Virtual Reality Games That Could Have Been Real
Totally Fake Virtual Reality Games That Could Have Been Real
Humor

3 min read


Published in

Slackjaw

·Apr 5, 2020

I Am A Plantaholic In Recovery And I Am 6 Weeks Clean

My plant addiction destroyed my life. And I uprooted it once and for all. — Hey all, My name is Gregory and it’s been 6 weeks since my last visit to the garden section of Home Depot. For the past 4 years, I’ve had a chlorophyll-thirsty tiger in my chest. I am embarrassed to say it out loud, but I bankrupted my family buying…

Plants

4 min read

I Am A Plantaholic In Recovery And I Am 6 Weeks Clean
I Am A Plantaholic In Recovery And I Am 6 Weeks Clean
Plants

4 min read

Thanos Antoniou

Thanos Antoniou

1.1K Followers

Socially awkward humorist. Awkwardly social hermit. Allergic to anchovies and artichokes. Words at http://thanosantoniou.com .

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