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Today, I get to discuss two true heroes in the medical world — Dr. Emmanuel Ben-Soussan and Dr. Michel Antonietti. These brave men have done what no one else dared to do — they’ve solved the mystery of why colons explode.

Now, doctors have known about exploding colons for years — it’s a rare, but unfortunate complication that occurs during colonoscopies. Ben-Soussan and Antonietti decided to get to the bottom of this — they decided to find out why some colons explode, plus how to avoid this hair-raising disaster.

Their research — which, if I’m reading these studies correctly, involved…


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One week ago, I started walking like Quasimodo. I couldn’t stand up straight, couldn’t bend over properly and couldn’t lift my right leg. I had a massive muscle spasm where my leg attaches to my hip. Here’s what I learned during this long, long week….

Some injuries just sound…stupid

I’d wrecked myself while cleaning under the beds. That’s right — I’d developed an SDI (a Severe Dusting Injury). It’s virtually impossible to get sympathy when you have to admit that you should have stretched before Swiffering.

Kids are jerks

Okay, some of them are. Since I could no longer bend…


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Ah, yes, ice baths…I recently stumbled across a couple of studies suggesting that drenching yourself in freezing cold water for 60 seconds each day could reduce your sick days and also help treat depression.

Just in case you don’t believe me, here are the links: Torture study #1 and Torture study #2.

Of course, I do like to make myself miserable in the name of science, so I decided to try cold water bathing. For four days straight, I had my usual hot shower, then I turned the hot water off — suddenly, entirely, completely off — and blasted myself…


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I have no idea what the price of beauty is, but I’ve found out the price avoiding ugly: $339.50. That’s how much I paid a doctor — an actual dermatologist — to disfigure me by poking at my forehead with one of those wood burning tools that people buy at craft stores.

Okay, he didn’t use an actual wood burning tool — the thing he used had a longer cord. But it performed the same job and I probably could have wrecked my forehead just as nicely at home with the $25 wood burning kit they sell on amazon.

I…


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I’ve bought a lot of plants — and killed most of them. Only two hardy, ugly philodendrons have survived my tender loving care (and I water them with diluted coffee to thank them). So I’m a little nervous about buying herbs in pots. I have loads of dried herbs and spices, including weird ones like black salt — which is pink, smells vaguely like rotten eggs, and never shows up in recipes. Ever.

But I’ve been avoiding fresh herbs because I assumed they’d be, well, hard to work with.

Then, three weeks ago, I heard a TV chef blather on…


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I watched a very violent movie last week. At least eleventy-zillion people were killed. Most of them were shot by the “hero” — a man who had clearly spent more time at the gun range than in anger management classes.

What did I learn from this movie? I learned that I want a beagle puppy. I really, really want a beagle puppy. The movie’s hero had one (at least briefly, until someone killed the thing and kick-started the movie’s 90 minute plot-free killing spree).

To be clear, I want a beagle puppy, but I know I cannot have one. The…


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I’d like to talk about something momentous that happened three years and two months ago. On Friday, November 20, 2016. The residents of Jersey Shore, Pennsylvania, finally found out why their town was turning into Sewage Shore, Pennsylvania. That’s right — Jersey Shore had started to smell. Really smell. The odor was described by residents as a cross between a dead deer, old gym socks and a bad fart.

As you might expect, the police got involved. Okay, the media got involved. …


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I’ve decided to ditch my usual New Year’s resolutions. The odds that I’ll actually become uber-fit, learn to meditate or cut back on coffee are — and here, I’m making a rough calculation — zero. Instead, for my 2020 New Year’s resolution, I’ve decided to focus on worrying my kids. Now, hear me out: Some day, I am not going to be the sharp, witty person that I am today. There’s a pretty good chance that some day, I’ll be bat shit crazy and my kids will be forced to say things like, “Mom, don’t you think 16 cats is…


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Last week, I decided to try my hand at picture framing — I decided to try one of those DIY projects that I love to watch on decorating shows. All things considered, I think it went pretty well. And by “all things considered,” I mean that I still have 10 fingers and the vacuum is working, again.

Here’s what happened: I’d been given some old black and white photos of my parents (their baby pictures, pictures from when they were dating — that sort of thing). I also had a large picture frame that I wasn’t using — one with…


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1. Don’t overthink current fashions

Three words: Drop crotch pants. What are they hiding in there? Bath towels? Gerbils? A microwave? My advice: Take photos and say nothing. You’ll have great ammo for their wedding slideshow.

2. Lower your standards. No, lower

One of my kids recently gave me a coffee mug that says “World’s Okayest Mom” on it. I use that mug with pride. I’ve hit the point where Okay is what I’m striving for (if fewer than half of my kids need counseling during adulthood, I’ll consider that a win). Lowering my standards has really taken the pressure…

Brenda Kearns

I’m a health writer for Woman’s World and First for Women. I also write humor and books for kids. Find me at http://brendakearns.com

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