Climb the fire escape, disable the alarm on the third floor window, and wiggle your way in. You’ve arrived!

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Photo by Brandless on Unsplash

Thanks so much for booking with me! This city is a true hidden gem, with a colorful history that includes a recent surge of unauthorized short-term rentals — a history that you now get to be a part of! There are just a few things to remember to ensure your stay at my illegal Airbnb is a great one.

My apartment is located in the heart of the city — just a five minute light jog from the metro! The subway system is simple to navigate, but you never know who’s watching, so I’ve arranged for an unmarked cab to pick you up at the airport and drop you off at an underpass 12 blocks from the apartment. …

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10 Years Gone Since We Bought These Scanners That Keep Jamming by Led Zeppelin

November Rain (Soaking Everyone’s Ballots And Making The Scanners Jam) by Guns N’ Roses

It Takes Two Hands To Feed Your Ballot To The Scanner, Why Would You Only Use One? You Broke It! by Marvin Gaye and Kim Weston

Purple Rain (Is Also Bad For The Scanners… Any Type Of Moisture, Really) by Prince

Beat It (I’M KIDDING. But Really, Try Coming Back Later, Like In 2020) by Michael Jackson

Don’t Worry, Be Happy That We Have These Emergency Ballot Boxes by Bobby McFerrin

Since U Been Gone, The Machines Were Fixed But They Broke Again Just Now Lol by Kelly…

For brows that aren’t twins or even sisters

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The old beauty adage says, “Your eyebrows aren’t twins — they’re sisters!” This is quite the oversimplification. Eyebrows can be so many things! They can also be nothing, like if you left a depilatory on for too long because you completely lost track of time while doing a Google Image search for “dog boops.” (Oops!)

Here’s a more inclusive list of eyebrow types:

Evil stepsisters

Cousins who have never met but are friends on Facebook

Aunt and Uncle with a joint Facebook account and the display name “HowardN’Carol”

Dorothy and Sophia

Is that blood? Or… blood?

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This is going to be a great day! I’ll bombard my body with caffeine, and then I’ll get some serious writing done.

It’s taking a long time for them to make my drink.

Ugh, if I have to hear this barista call out for “Steven” one more time…


Steven’s cute.

Okay, where’s my small black iced coffee? It’s only the easiest drink to prepare.

And now Dayjel isn’t claiming her drink.

Dayjel? I bet they just butchered someone’s name.

DAYJEL GET YOUR DRINK! Does anybody here pay attention after they order?

That’s funny. Dayjel got a small black iced coffee, too. …

Celebrating the six-month anniversary of a simpler time with helpful flashcards

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“This is how I see it so far. This is to help all the people at home. What’s the CONCLUSION? COLLUSION? No — we don’t have that yet. I see ILLUSION and DELUSION. So, just so we’re clear everyone, four words: Conclusion? Collusion? No. Illusion? Delusion? Yes. I just thought we’d have some fun with words.”

— Kellyanne Conway on Fox’s Hannity, July 2017

Contrary to what the mainstream media wants you to think, The President has no connections to Russia. He’s never even met Vladimir Putin, except of course, when he met him last summer, which was the first and only time. What the press doesn’t want to tell you is that the President loves pudding, which is a great American tradition. …

“How do you solve a problem like Maria?”

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We broke all the records, and we broke them like they’ve never been broken before!

Look, Hurricane Maria brought an incredible amount of rain, spectacular levels of flooding, left 16 people for dead, and will go down in history as the greatest achievement of any president!

I know there’s a little damage to repair. The island is flooded with nasty water, though not quite as nasty as the Mayor of San Juan who, let’s be honest, is a very mean lady and a butter face.

I’m going to tell you a story, and it’s a great story: After the hurricane hit, I curled up on the Oval Office couch with a bowl of Cookie Crisp and re-watched my personal favorite, The Sound of Music. You know, the one about the group of Nazi soldiers struggling to beat the odds? I was expecting answers to my biggest questions: How do you solve a problem like Maria? How do you catch a cloud and pin it down? Would that stop all the hurricanes? …

They say you get what you give, but I wanted to double-check

I spent much of last year thinking about posting on Medium, but I was new to the game and not so sure about the whole thing. I was suspicious. What’s this newfangled technology? I would have asked my grandkids, if I had grandkids, but I don’t because I’m 28 (though I’m crotchety and technology-adversed beyond my years).

On November 30, I finally decided to dip a cynical toe in the water, and I reposted something that was gathering digital dust on my old blog. Once published, I mostly told no one — I don’t like to make a big deal about things. …

I never forgot it — no matter how hard I tried.

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I was 19 years old, home from college for the summer, and helping out at my family’s coin shop, as all teens do (Hold on — does your family not have a coin shop? That’s weird).

One afternoon, an elderly man entered, and he ambled over to a showcase filled with rare coins. I was sitting in the back room, watching him through a smudgy glass window. I didn’t work on commission, so when a customer appeared my technique was to get up from my chair in slow motion, giving coworkers enough time to beat me to it. …

An exclusive look at my first novel

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Since I was five years old, I’ve had dreams of being a published author. I’ll admit, there was a time when I got distracted by another dream. The year 1995 brought the movie Free Willy 2. This cinematic masterpiece left my head filled with fantasies of marine biology and my neck adorned with the “Mystical Whale Pendant” that came free with the VHS (it was a trendy little ceramic number valued at $7.95). But once I realized that a career in marine biology didn’t mean petting whales on the tongue all day, I set my sights back on writing.

Now that I’m a semi-adult woman who pays bills and buys eye creams and gets birthday cards from her chiropractor, I am not far from my dream of being published. In fact, I already have a few completed works under my belt — at least, they would under my belt if this were 2002 when I wouldn’t be seen without one (it was purple camo, rhinestone-studded, and purchased from a popular neighborhood boutique called 7-Eleven). In an act of generosity and good will, I’m sharing my earliest completed book here. It’s a whimsical work of fiction with feminist undertones. Though written in the early-90s, I think you’ll find it has stood the test of time. …


Danielle Kraese

My best writing is trapped on a Storybook Weaver CD-ROM that will only run with Windows 95.

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