Eli Burnstein – Medium

Eli Burnstein

Eli Burnstein
in
Slackjaw

I’m A Few Hours Ahead Of You

Good afternoon, colleague! Or is it still the morning over there? I keep forgetting.

Jun 21

I’m A Few Hours Ahead Of You

Jun 21

Eli Burnstein
in
Slackjaw

Why Didn’t You Wear Tortoiseshell Glasses To My Tortoiseshell-Glasses-Only Party?

Yet here you are sans tortoiseshell, with frames of what I can only assume are a crude titanium alloy.

Jan 24

Why Didn’t You Wear Tortoiseshell Glasses To My Tortoiseshell-Glasses-Only Party?

Jan 24

Eli Burnstein
in
Slackjaw

It’s Not (Not) Opposite Day

Some people find the rules of Opposite Day confusing, but it’s really quite complicated.

Jan 10

It’s Not (Not) Opposite Day

Jan 10

Eli Burnstein
in
Slackjaw

Committee Meeting Of The Oxford English Dictionary

First up, we have the motion to merge all parts of speech other than nouns, verbs, and adjectives into a category called “little bits.”

Dec 26, 2023

Committee Meeting Of The Oxford English Dictionary

Dec 26, 2023

Eli Burnstein
in
Slackjaw

It’s a Flat White, You Moron

Is there a lumpen head of foam at the top? No. Are there any large bubbles fucking up this masterpiece? Negative.

Oct 7, 2023

It’s a Flat White, You Moron

Oct 7, 2023

Eli Burnstein
in
Slackjaw

Your Boyfriend’s Parents’ Bathroom: A Step-by-Step Guide

Strange hallways, artisanal soaps, finicky locks, and more

Sep 14, 2023

Your Boyfriend’s Parents’ Bathroom: A Step-by-Step Guide

Sep 14, 2023

Eli Burnstein
in
Slackjaw

A Complete List of Every University in London

You’ll never be confused again.

Jul 1, 2023

A Complete List of Every University in London

Jul 1, 2023

Eli Burnstein
in
Slackjaw

Have You Eaten With Us Before?

We recommend anywhere from 2 to 12 dishes per person.

Nov 19, 2022

Have You Eaten With Us Before?

Nov 19, 2022

Eli Burnstein
in
Slackjaw

COVID-19 Self-Test Instructions, In Verse

Two brief minutes, we advise, To let the hell-brew steep and rise.

Mar 3, 2022

Candle-lit spell-casting.

Mar 3, 2022

Eli Burnstein
in
Slackjaw

I Keep Losing Freelance Copywriting Gigs To Joyce Carol Oates

Her oeuvre is unstoppable.

Feb 11, 2022

I Keep Losing Freelance Copywriting Gigs To Joyce Carol Oates

Feb 11, 2022

Eli Burnstein

Eli Burnstein

Glasses type. Humor writer. Book DICTIONARY OF FINE DISTINCTIONS now available for preorder. More at www.eliburnstein.com

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