NES Games No One Played: Letter R

I’ve got a pretty extensive NES collection and have for years been writing about the best games for the system while also trying to collect every title. As such, I feel like I’ve spent tons of time playing all the great games while the lesser known titles usually come in the mail and go straight onto the shelf. I wanted to make more of an effort to explore the entire library of the NES, not just the classics, and so I’m trying out some buddies I either popped in and immediately out or never played in the first place. Since I’ve got them organized alphabetically, let’s continue on with the Letter R.

• Letter A can be found here
• Letter B can be found here
• Letter C can be found here
• Letter D can be found here
• Letter E can be found here
• Letter F can be found here
• Letter G can be found here
• Letter H can be found here
• Letter I can be found here
• Letter J can be found here
• Letter K can be found here
• Letter L can be found here
• Letter M can be found here
• Letter N can be found here
• Letter O can be found here
• Letter P can be found here

THE REN AND STIMPY SHOW: BUCKEROO$ | 1993

Ahhh sweet nostalgia. Like many young bros in the early 90’s I was a big fan of ol’ Ren and Stimpy. At a time where Nickelodeon shows like Doug and Rugrats were bringing joy to the future accountants and hedgefund managers of America, the weirdos and boogerpickers were all about Ren and Stimpy. It was crass, disgusting, subversive, highly influential, and pretty bizarre. Try explaining Powdered Toast Man to someone who’s never seen the show and you’ll realize just how truly out there Ren and Stimpy was. It was also immensely popular and as such had a number of video games made from it. Since the show first aired in 1991, most of the titles came out for the Genesis, Super Nintendo, and portable consoles, but in 1993, right at the end of the NES’s life, a star was born.

Well to start with, when I booted up the game I think I heard the TV show’s theme music. That’s a good sign! I mean the notes aren’t quite there, but I can tell it’s emulating that awesome rockability insanity. You’re then greeted with a buttons select screen, which is totally unnecessary when the NES controller only has two buttons, and here it gives you FOUR different configurations to choose from. Weird. The graphics are…passable. That does look like an only slightly mangled version of Stimpy (which is honestly more than I was expecting), but whoa, holy shit, Ren looks like a caterpillar Nosferatu who broke out of his chrysalis too early. The plot is that Stimpy invented the “Gametron 5000 Moneymaker” which like The Simpsons Virtual Bart, is simply a tongue and cheek way for the developers to showcase some minigames based on the episodes from the cartoon.

The first stage is “Space Madness”. You control Stimpy, but Ren’s there too, just ambo-trippin his little ass off. It seems like you’d be able to control both characters or even use Ren to assist you, but no, he just wanders along with you for no apparent reason. The very first screen reeks of R & S charm: Space Madness was an episode from the show, the first items you pick up are smelly socks, and the first enemy is a bouncing LOG. It’s great! Sadly though, all this goodness wears off once you step into the unavoidable glass science experiment thing which in turn takes you to the world’s most dull space shooter. The oddball enemies are great (fish bones, eightballs, turkeys, etc.) but the level moves soooooo slowly, the challenge is non-existent, and it goes on FOREVER. It reminds me of another game I reviewed recently, Puss N’ Boots, where it seems like the developers couldn’t figure out how to put multiple enemies on the screen at a time, so they just sprinkle in a few VERY avoidable things every once and a while punctuated by several seconds of nothing happening. And you may think “yeah, like you really know what was going on behind the scenes here. Have you ever developed an NES game? NOPE!” Well, you’re right, but the music slowing down and the sprites flickering tells the whole story my friend. Mercifully it eventually ends, but then you’ll reach an elevator you can’t open annnnndddd dead end. Wait what? Ohhhh, remember how I said Ren doesn’t do shit and is totally fucking useless? Well you have to use a spring so he can jump over an obstacle and thus open the elevator.

FUCK! So I only know that from watching a walkthrough. I went back to find Ren and he’s not there, he’s on the other side of the glass “teleport you to a space shooter” thing which means if you want to get him you can do the space shooter level again but end up on the wrong side of the glass AGAIN, or you can turn press reset and start from the beginning. WTF. It’s a shame too because once you get to the next level it turns into a more traditional platformer that, while nothing special, is at least mildly nonfuriating (a word I just invented). Here you play as Ren who has this amazingly disinterested pimp slap for a weapon. It’s way worse than Stimpy’s spitball attack (a projectile), but it’s worth it for the entertainment value. Unfortunately, that’s about the limit of fun here. The levels are super generic and repetitive, the platforming is mediocre, and unfortunately the many nods to the show are not enough to makeup for what is an extremely droll game.

Similar Games: Bart vs the Space Mutants, Muppet’s Adventure: Chaos at the Carnival, Circus Caper

ROBOWARRIOR | 1988

One thing I’ve learned in the process of writing these articles is that my perception of obscure and unloved is often very different from other people’s. My opinion on this is entirely subjective, I have no statistical resource to prove the likeability of the titles I review and while there are some sales numbers for NES games out there, it’s basically only for the top sellers. I just absorb “Top 100 Lists” and everything not mentioned in those resources or in similar “hidden gems” articles I assume aren’t anyone’s jam. Last Ninja for instance was totally unknown to me but many European NES heads chimed in and mentioned it was one of the most popular games of it’s time. I had no idea! So I actually searched on Reddit to see if anyone had discussed Robowarrior at any length, and finding almost nothing, I’m assuming it wasn’t a very well loved or played game. So if you crushed this game growing up, awesome. If you knew about it and now think I lived under a rock in 1988, awesome. If you’re like me and never heard of or played Robowarrior, then let’s check it out…together.

Fuck! This game rules! I’ve been completely ruined by all the other crappy NES titles with rad futuristic covers masking their shitty interiors. I simply assumed that Robowarrior was next in line for the shined turd award but no. Basically you’re playing in a Legend of Zelda perspective and you move from screen to screen blasting bad guys and clearing out obstacles with…bombs? Is this Bomberman? Oh shit it is…sorta! Robowarrior was known as Bomber King in Japan and is the second title in the Bomberman series. Neat! Seriously if you told me there was an official Bomberman on the NES with a totally unrelated title I would’ve never, ever, guessed that it was Robowarrior. No way. Honestly, I should’ve played some mediocre slog like Rocketeer or Rescue: The Embassy mission instead of Robowarrior, it probably would’ve been more entertaining to cover a crappier game here. However, I will say that if you’re looking for an ALMOST hidden gem, Robowarrior is up all night and waiting for your call. Pick up the phone! He’s all alone!

Don’t get me wrong, it’s got it’s flaws. The “clear all the shit out of the way first” mechanic is pretty cumbersome and more often than not you’ll accidentally hit yourself when trying to blow up a tree. There are some enemies you can shoot/bomb, but only once all the trees are out of the way. Since all the enemies can either pass through or shoot through these obstacles more often then not while you’re patiently waiting for bombs to explode and trees to fall you’re getting lit up. Plus since the walkable areas are all narrow corridors, you’re given no room to maneuver which makes avoiding your enemies way harder than it should be. Furthermore, your life is attached to a timer, so even if you’re not getting hit your life is depleting. Sometimes, it just drops down and you die, but other times the music completely halts and the game just beeps at you like a heart rate monitor, incessantly nagging at your last ounce of patience until you commit suicide. If not for the timer problem, coupled with the non stop enemy attacks, tight spaces, and bombs that blow you up most of the time, this game would be more akin to Guardian Legend than say Dragon Power. Unfortunately, it’s full of the cheap kind of Ninja Gaideneqse difficulty that takes a true disciplined monk to enjoy.

Other than that though, the music is amazing, the controls are good, and the graphics are pretty great considering this came out in 1988. Just compare this to the aforementioned Ren and Stimpy game which was released FIVE YEARS LATER yet both looks and sounds way worse than Robowarrior. Seriously, intense difficulty aside, this is exactly the kind of game I would’ve played on repeat for months as a kid. It’s got multiple items on an inventory screen, lots of real estate and levels to explore, hidden secrets, and the kind of gameplay experience that I think would be very hard to teach. Something about it just makes me want to keep trying over and over and over again. For instance, I glanced at a walkthrough that mentioned that on the second screen if you bomb one wall five times you’ll unlock “The Well of Hope”. Sounds simple right? Well I’ve tried to do this, and I’m not kidding, THIRTY TIMES IN A ROW now without succeeding. You’ve got to make it there with max health, bomb the surrounding trees and the wall itself quickly without blowing yourself up, and dodge the never-ending onslaught of enemies attacking you. It’s too much! But you know what, I kept trying, even after I finished writing this review and that’s a testament to the true potential of this game.

Similar Games: Arkistra’s Ring, Guardian Legend, Blaster Master, Bomberman

ROCKET RANGER | 1990

Rocket Ranger eh? I honestly have no perspective for this game. It kinda looks like the similar sounding Rocketeer but without the cool helmet. So what’s this all about then? The short version of the story is that aliens called the Leutonians have taken over Europe and you respond as all young Americans do: by putting on your rocket powered flying suit and kicking their butts (I swear this isn’t Rocketeer). That’s the basic jist of the story and I say basic because holy shit playing this game is like reading a novel. Every level is a new “chapter” and between every scene there’s at least one huge page of text. I don’t mind the long, intricate story, it’s actually pretty decent for what it is. What I do mind is how terrible the gameplay is.

You start out at a base in the US where you’re told that you need to intercept a zeppelin en route across the Atlantic Ocean. Then you’re given four options: War Room, Fuel Depot, Rocket Lab, and Take Off. Rocket Lab says to get some fuel and rocket parts, so maybe I come back to this later. Fuel Depot let’s you distribute your fuel between your storage and either your Rocket Pack or your Rocket Ship. Ok, well I’m not sure what either of those do, but I’ve played ahead and you can run out of fuel in your Rocket Pack which means you can’t go travel between bases. However, you can still interact with the game’s interface (for instance choosing other cities that you don’t have enough fuel to reach) which makes no fucking sense. Just give me a Game Over! War Room…oh boy. There are agents sent out to various alien hot spots around the world and some of them have reports for you. I have no idea what getting these reports does in terms of advancing the game, but I do know that they give them to you in a series of very slow tickertape style messages. Damn dude we’ve got rocket packs and we’re still using telegraphs!? I went back to check on a spy’s report and instead of my buddy it was the enemy saying they’d murdered him! This game isn’t fucking around! The whole thing reminds me a lot of the Carmen Sandiego games in terms of interacting with people, choosing locations, and losing time/fuel with each choice. The only difference is that I don’t think I’m learning anything…

Ok so I don’t know what the point of any of that base section was, but now I’m gonna attack that zeppelin. Alright, an actual action based part of the game! You’re trying to shoot down missiles while also hitting the blimp; however, the perspective is from behind you and when you fire it shoots one pellet above your head. It’s kinda hard to describe but it’s really awkward trying to figure out where on the screen your bullet is about to appear; there needs to be a crosshairs or something. Also, there’s no clear enemy projectiles so occasionally you just drop down off the screen unexpectedly because…I guess I got shot? No idea. I’ve tried this level 5 times and cannot sink this dirigible. The weirdest thing is, the game continues on whether you win or lose: finally a video game without consequences! After that I chose a “Rocket Base” which after a Moby Dick’s worth of exposition places you in this random hallway one on one fighting an army guy. It’s your typical mash buttons and hope that you chose rock when the other guy chose scissors style of gameplay. Oddly enough, when I reached this level my Nintendo started glitching out (way worse even when I paused it to write this sentence). It’s not the usual brown screen or fucked up pixels, it’s very similar to my experience playing Immortal where the vertical hold is all irregular and the screen just jitters around. No clue, but it’s probably a sign.

I don’t know, I’m very on the fence about Rocket Ranger. It’s almost so confusing and story oriented that I think it might be good and just too impatient to really dive into the gameplay. Maybe there’s a computer version of this that’s like steampunk Civilization, but I doubt it. Whenever I’m making choices I keep thinking I’m about to be led to something cool, but instead am just lead to another awful flying level or awkward punchfest. Try as I might I can maybe hit one in four planes, but not before getting merked by some invisible object. The fist fights are Karate Champ atrocious, just mash furiously and hope for the best. The fuel conservation seems to be the main point of the game (aside from the story), but not only have I not found any fuel but I really don’t know why doing so would make this experience fun.

My favorite thing about Rocket Ranger is that between each section of the game there’s a big text block followed by “Press Fire to Continue”. I keep thinking this will give me a break to jot down some thoughts, but after 15 seconds the music stops and then the next scene begins regardless of whether you pressed a button or not. The game is more impatient than I am! If it knows what I’m thinking and wants to just get to the point, I’d love it if it spontaneously ejected from my Top Loader and parachuted itself back to timeout on the shelf.

Similar Games: Where in Time is Carmen Sandiego, Iron Tank, Rocketeer

ROLLERBLADE RACER | 1993

Finally, I get to talk about a real game: Rollerblade Racer. YEAH! Rollerblade Racer was published by Hi Tech Expressions, which to me sounds like a futuristic “massage” parlor run by rub n’ tug robots. They were responsible for many relatively obscure games for the NES, some of which I’ve covered already (Fun House, Hunt for Red October, Muppet Adventure: Chaos at the Carnival). If you haven’t guessed already, they weren’t exactly the American Konami, more like the Panamanian LJN. However, what their games lack in good sound, story, gameplay, graphics, replayability, and pretty much every characteristic that would lead you to believe something was fun, they more than make up for it in mouth agape “what the fuck is this” factors. Thankfully, Rollerblade racer is no exception.

God damn this game is gold. The first screen is this dude in full pads/helmet standing next to two traffic cones, head to toe in all pink including the rollerblades draped around his shoulders, arms at his sides. He says: “Hi, I’m Kirk. I just bought a new pair of rollerblades.” He needs you to enter the “Super Rollerblade Challenge” that for some reason means that if you win he’ll qualify. Huh? I guess I’ll do that for you random stranger. Hahahaha, my god, he calls his outfit his “bladegear”. GAHHHHHH!!! Haha oh lord, it’s too good! Ok, I’ve calmed down, I’m centered and ready to roll. Kirk, LET’S SHRED.

So basically Rollerblade Racer is a really shitty Paperboy knockoff. I was never a big fan of that game, but that’s only because the eponymous paperboy had no style and could not carve the pavement like my boy Rollerblade Racer. Poser! You basically just go forward as fast as you can and jump over everything in-sight. Beautifully, because it’s rollerblading, the programmers gave you two authentic rollerblade leaps: wheels straight back and legs beneath you, or wheels staight out in opposite directions and legs split out like a crazy person. Bellissimo! The same enemies spawn every three seconds as you go, kind of like watching an old Flintstones where they walk past the same background over and over and over. The dogs and tricycle kids are super easy to avoid, but for some reason those tiny cracks in the road cause my guy to spill like crazy. Throw in a pebble and you’ve got the true life roller villains captured right there!

After you help Kirk borrow a feeling, you head to the city which is somehow even simpler and easier than the last level. If you find the right line on the screen, you can just go full speed and NEVER INTERACT WITH A SINGLE OBSTACLE. I’m not kidding! The only enemies here are puddles and dogs and you will never come close to touching either of them, even as you pass the same thousand wet golden retrievers on repeat. After that, a sea of traffic cones. THE HORROR! A couple more repetitive levels anddddd…hmmm that’s the end of the game. Easy peasy lemon squeezy!

I have not laughed this much or this often while playing a video game in some time. It’s so painfully easy and poorly programmed that it is of course quite comical, but honestly what they really nailed with this game is how rollerbladers weer perceived in the 90s. No one then, or now for that matter, was ever considered cool for blading. Not even the “aggressive inline” featured in games like Skitchin’ or rad movies like Airborne could make it a tenth as cool as skateboarding. That’s because to skaters, all rollerbladers were a bunch of Kirks unironically rocking single colored outfits that matched their blades, reminding you to always wear full pads every time you glide.

Similar Games: Paperboy, Paperboy II

OTHER LETTER R GAMES (CLASSICS)

Rad Racer, R.C. Pro AM, River City Ransom, Rygar, Rampage, Rush N’ Attack, Rainbow Islands, Rampart

OTHER LETTER R GAMES WORTH TRYING

Rollergames, Rockin Kats, Road Blaster, R.C. Pro AM II, Robocop 1 2 & 3

OTHER LETTER R GAMES WORTH AVOIDING

Renegade, Rocketeer, Race America, Raid on Bungeling Bay, Rescue: The Embassy Mission