Blocking abusers from access to us is one of the most powerful boundaries we can set. When our abusers are people we love, setting boundaries can be excruciating — but we are often left with no other choice. No choice = no power.
Perfect does not mean perfect actions in a perfect world, but appropriate actions in an imperfect one. — Reginald Horace Blyth
In extreme cases of abuse, a restraining order backed up by the law is necessary, but extreme cases are exceedingly rare. In a more perfect world restraining orders would be non-existent and boundaries would be the norm.
Unfortunately, we live in unnecessarily imperfect world where boundaries are next to non-existent and stonewalling is the norm.
Stonewalling, persistent refusal to communicate or express emotions, is an especially pernicious form of blocking. Stonewalling creates barriers to connection and is used by toxic narcissists to maintain control.
Stonewalling is indifference in the face of suffering.
This article is not about the extreme cases of “blocking” (boundary-setting) where the legal system has to step in to protect a vulnerable person from physical harm. This article is about people who use blocking, actual or virtual, as a manipulative technique and then try to pass it off as a boundary.
Boundaries protect and support authentic connection.
Barriers drive disconnection and traumatize both sides in a conflict.
Boundaries require humility and courage and take a lot of practice.
Barriers are cowardly. Barriers prolong conflict and worsen the suffering of everyone involved.
Blocking (stonewalling) can be overt or covert. The overt type can be extremely painful, but is much easier to recover from than is the extremely pernicious (and far more common) form of covert blocking.
Here is an example of overt blocking:
This was in a group text from my older brother. “She” is me. M is C’s Charming Bully of a wife who is the wedge that came between me and a brother C who once loved me. M is a master triangulator — a skill she learned in her own abusive childhood.
I was part of this triangulating text thread that included most of my extended family, as well as my own daughter, and yet C talks about me in the third person. This “message” (abuse) is immature, dehumanizing, and cruel. This is the perfect example of overt blocking. C, as a puppet to his manipulative wife, has severed all connection and cut me out of his life. This was was an incredibly hurtful message to read, but the saddest part for all of us is that C and M have managed to cut me out of the lives of their children and all of our family and “friends” under M’s control.
Bullying in the form of triangulation (gossip) and exclusion (scapegoating) has always existed, but modern technology has fueled an epidemic of bullying that is only getting worse as we as a society refuse to hold the real abusers accountable. When full-grown adults act like schoolyard bullies using technology to hide their true selves, our children are truly fucked.
Here is an example of covert blocking:
I can’t reveal who this message came from because I still have hope that the sender will come around and see the light. However, the sender could be any number of people in my life.
For the past four years I have been the recipient of hundreds of messages like this — barriers disguised as boundaries. Like so many other forms of subtle manipulation, the abuse can be hard for an outsider to see without context. In fact, the abuse is so incredibly subtle, that WE can’t see it until most of the damage has already been done.
Look at the top comment in blue above. That is a boundary: concise with a clear ask (bid) for connection. I sent it, and set it, before seeing the text containing the qualifier “until Tuesday.” It’s now Tuesday and neither of us have sent the other party an email. This is a stalemate, incredibly painful for all involved, just ask the Palestinians and the Israelis (all victims) or Channel Miller, Monica Lewisky, Anita Hill… or any number of victims who have been crucified while waiting endlessly for justice to be served.
The waiting is the hardest part. — Tom Petty
Three days may not sound like a lot, but for anyone who is being ignored (stonewalled) by someone who claims to care about us, it feels like an eternity. Each moment of every day that we wait for the other person to reach out, our abandoned inner-child is screaming for attention
I can’t send an email because I know it will be ignored, just like every other email and text and letter I’ve ever sent. I can’t call because I’ve been told not to. I can’t text because I’ve been told not to. I can’t visit because I’ve been told not to. I could write a letter, as I have done many times in the past, but that too will be ignored so what’s the point? I’m utterly exhausted from screaming into a void and getting silence, or worse, in return.
What is worse than silence? Indifference.
This is the pattern of abuse present in so many unhealthy relationships where the power differential has one person calling all the shots and the other at the mercy of whatever the manipulator chooses.
The “victim” is caught in an untenable catch-22 — be our authentic selves and risk losing the relationship altogether or continue to play by their warped rules where our needs are continually ignored. Either way, we can’t win.
The impossible choice is abandoning them or abandoning ourselves.
I can’t abandon this particular person or I will be seen as more of a villain than I already am. My only option is to protect myself the best I can while hoping that they wake up enough to see the intense harm they are causing to themselves and to our relationship.
I have tried to be patient. It is only making me feel like more of a doormat. I have no more chances to give, although I would if I could.
I no longer have hope that they will ever be able to see the harm they are causing me. That hope died long ago when they turned their back on me while my mother was dying last year. My only hope now is that they will learn to stop turning their back on themselves so that they can understand when they are turning their back on others.
“Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”― Maya Angelou
We can’t know what we don’t know until we know it, but once we know it, it’s up to us to do better. I have been doing the best I can for as long as I can. I have to accept that in certain situations I can literally do no better without cooperation from others.
We all need to do our own parts to heal relationships. I’m done being the only adult in the room. If people truly care about me and want a relationship with me, it is up to them to be adults and learn to approach conflict with grace, humility, and kindness.
I have led many horses to water, but I can not make them drink. I’m done trying to spoon feed them the water. If they prefer to die of thirst, that is their choice. I will be devastated, but I will not feel responsible.
As I rid my life of toxic shame, the projections from others hurt less and less. The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune still hurt, but as I learn to deflect the second arrow, the initial trauma does not become complex. My resiliency builds and my healing becomes enduring. Each new arrow hurts just a little bit less than the one before.
The only “positive” part about the past three days is that by physically blocking text messages and phone calls from my “sparring” partner, I have avoided both the slings they initiate, AND I have prevented myself from shooting my own arrows.
That is what boundaries are all about.
“Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.”― Prentis Hemphill
Boundaries are the shields that protect all of us from the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.
Barriers create the armor that protects only ourselves while our opponent stands naked before us.
Shields protect. Armor encages.
Now that it’s Tuesday, I’m curious to see if the other party will break the stalemate. The ball is in their court and always has been. Our only form of connection at this point is an email. I can’t unblock my phone for texts or calls until I can trust that it is safe to do so. If I don’t hear from them by the end of the day, I guess I will merely email them this article.
Perhaps it’s past time to send them this article as well…
