My Sex Resolutions for 2021–9 Intimacy Goals That I’m Excited About (And a bonus, too!)
It’s that time of the year again.
For those of you that know me in real life, you know you see the excitement in my eyes when I talk about goals, which starts to build up right around mid-November or so.
You see, I’m a bit of a planning freak, OCD if you may call it that. Whether I finish or not, but I do have a plan for virtually everything in my life.
All the way from what new skill I’m going to learn next year to where we’re going to holiday next year to the new projects I’ll start at work.
Hell, I even have a list of monthly resolutions that I set up for each month of the year.
Do you know what’s weird? That I even have a 52 Weeks Of list, where I routinely pick stuff that I WILL do at least once per week.
Things such as inviting a business associate randomly out for lunch, or fast for 24 hours straight at least once a week, stuff like that
So if you think I won’t have my intimacy goals all mapped out, boy oh boy, you’re mistaken!
Getting inspired by this piece in Level about naughty new year resolutions, written by Aliya S. King, I am excited to write my first-ever list of sex resolutions for us.
With inputs from my wife, of course!
This year has been surreal, to say the least. I’ve barely stepped out of my house, and this is coming from someone that works from home, has pretty much always worked from home, for nearly two decades now.
So, if I start to feel like we’re stuck inside of our homes, then we must really be stuck.
One of the highlights of this year has been my introduction to sex positivity, and it has opened up my eyes to a whole new world that I didn’t know existed.
Being able to openly talk about sex, desire, wants, and needs… has changed my life in so many ways, that I can’t even begin to describe.
Before we get into my resolutions for the year 2021 though, I just want to give a massive shoutout to medium in general, but some of my most favorite writers in particular.
Here are some writers that I’ve enjoyed reading and learning from, this year. I will definitely write another piece about the particular posts I’ve picked up from each one of them, separately, but that’s a project for the new year now, isn’t it?
If you are looking to rev up your sex life, with class, without feeling awkward and for the long term, you MUST follow these writers.
Thank you all for making 2020 the best year in my relationship with my wife. I wish you all a great 2021 and look forward to being a part of your world.
There are many more that I’d like to include here, but this post is about something else, so in the next one, perhaps.
Anywho, I get distracted easily so I apologize but here’s my list of my 2021 intimacy resolutions. Remember, they’re in no particular order, but if you think I will not be assigning months to any of those, you haven’t been paying attention now, have you?
IMPORTANT — These are not in any specific order of priority.
1. Find a board game we could both enjoy playing
And that leads to a lot of action in the bedroom…
Back in 2000, nearly 20 years ago, I picked up a board game that was about asking questions, answering them honestly, and moving along the board.
It was an exciting game, that led to a lot of steamy sessions in between the sheets, but after a few years, it became boring. We had already run through all of the questions a few times, so we already knew what the other person was going to answer.
A few years later I picked up this more physical than emotional sort of a game, with a feather, some chocolate syrup, and a lot of activity planned around licking chocolate from the body of your lover. Not a favorite one, I’m afraid.
Last year, I decided to give it a go once again and picked up a new game called Love Battles — It’s an interesting game, but mostly exhausting for a couple in their mid to late 40’s to spend an hour getting horny fairly quickly, if you know what I mean.
So, my quest this year will be to find a game that is interesting without being drunk and has challenges/action items for both of us that lead systematically into building up the desire until we can’t wait no more.
What excites me is this post about 4 sex games for couples to enjoy in winter written by Emma London, that I am ready to make my own board game this winter.
If you’re the entrepreneurial type, here’s a business idea for you. Most adult board games target the 20s and 30s demographic, while the 40+ market is the one that has the money and the need — so go for it.
2. Find a toy that we could both enjoy using
This is mostly an unexplored area for us albeit we did have some action back when we were in our early 30’s with some vibrating rings. You know the likes that Durex now produces.
A lot of toys in the bedroom are geared for solo play and the ones that are made for couples are a little hard to use. This year we experimented with a bullet vibrator, a vibrating ring with a clit stimulator, and a couple of orgasmic gels but none brought us to a point where we look forward to pulling it out the side drawer again.
I am not sure what it is I am looking for, but I do know there are certain toys that are fun to use and lead up to either enhanced pleasure or enhanced duration of time you can be intimate.
This wonderful piece on why more men don’t use sex toys by Emma Austin discusses the psychology behind some particular type of toys, but we’re open to experiments this year.
Either way, if you have suggestions, I’d love for you to point me towards that direction, I’ll make sure to get my hands on one and post a review.
3. Tell my wife that I still masturbate, for her
This one is important. For some reason, and this goes back to my upbringing in some shape or form, but I never could accept masturbating as a healthy practice. I believe peer pressure, where my friends were “getting the real action” while I had to make do on my own was a source of shame.
So much shame that I have never been able to admit to my wife that I still masturbate for her. I am not sorry for it, and I know she’ll love it when I tell her.
However, my shame hasn’t died, despite being in a deeply loving and intimate relationship for three decades now.
What has changed, however, is my perception of why it is not really cheating to masturbate in marriage, thanks to this piece by Tracey Folly
In fact, just last week, she asked me if I have ever masturbated and I said, yeah, of course, before we got married. I couldn’t bring myself up to admit that I still do and that it is not only healthy but my way of loving her even more while she’s not around.
And there have been times when we’ve had phone-sex (video chat) and have masturbated in front of her but never admitted openly to regular act and I intend to change that.
4. Encourage my wife to masturbate
In case you missed it, we come from an orthodox upbringing, and engaging in acts of self-pleasure have been a source of shame for individuals in our cultural system.
My wife has never masturbated, ever, and I know this for a fact. I stress upon this because in the past when I mentioned this to my friends, they were like “Nah dude! you’re a fool to think that. she’s definitely doing it”
The truth is, she’s not. And I know it. And I want to change that.
Why? Because I want her to be comfortable about a perfectly healthy activity and not consider it as something only “bad girls” do.
This piece from Yael Wolfe on challenging sexist stigmas around female masturbation has helped shape some of my views, and my wife has agreed to keep an open mind.
This year, we’ve had a lot of conversations around her opening up about her preferences and therefore, I will use 2021 to encourage her to own her pleasure in a way that she isn’t dependent on me to enjoy her own body.
Every woman has a right to the pleasure only her body can deliver and there is no reason why my wife shouldn’t partake in an otherwise perfectly healthy activity?
Here’s a quick training refresher by Molly Carter we’re going to use for 411 on female masturbation as a real-time playbook.
After all, sexual self-care is an integral part of any self-care, right?
5. Watch a new porn flick every month
This one is important because I want to do it not purely to enhance my intimacy. I genuinely think that the sex workers that are supporting themselves deserve our encouragement and validation as a society.
The work that indie-porn filmmakers are doing is amazing and it breaks the myths around what real sex should look and feel like.
Sites like Make Love Not Porn are an amazing source of real-world knowledge, ideas, and in general entertainment for every couple, whatever your style.
Also, this piece from Caitlin Jill Anders where she talks about the things you can learn from watching porn is very interesting, and on point about why we should make this our annual resolution.
While my wife and I have watched some porn in our day, she isn’t totally convinced about the idea and I don’t blame her.
For one, the content we’ve consumed thus far is overly hyped and unreal.
Secondly, she believes that by partaking in porn-viewing, she’s partaking in the exploitation of the industry.
At some level, she’s not wrong. However, I intend to have more thorough conversations with her on the subject and possibly watch it as an act of support for our fellow brothers and sisters supporting themselves
In particular, I want to give a huge shout-out to Chippy Lipton. She’s doing some great work in the field of sex education, including on sites like Porn Hub.
If you enjoy sex, you should support workers like her.
Here’s how to follow her.
Tiktok / PornHub (NSFW) / Reddit
If you have recommendations on your favorite indie-porn artists, let me know, and I would love to support their work.
6. Make a Joint Sex Bucket List
Big fan of bucket lists. There, I said it!
I have 101 things to do before I die list, that I update every year around the holidays, and begin planning activities around it.
In 2021, I want to make a sex bucket list with my wife, whether it is about having sex in an airplane or on the rooftop of a building (which we have, BTW ;-) ) or it is to have a position of the month, where we will use a new position at least once a week each month.
For inspiration, I am looking at this naughty wishlist curated by Ena Dahl
For starters, we could choose to try each pose in Kamasutra at least once to either include it in our routine or rule it out completely (which I’m guessing will be the case for most of them) but hey, who doesn’t like themselves a little adventure?
7. Start a new “position-of-the-month” club
For as long as we’ve been having sex, there’s one thing we have always agreed upon as a couple.
And that is, to try new positions every now and then.
Thankfully, we’re both physically active, so the challenge of a new position doesn’t scare us much.
What we have found, however, is that as much as we might like to try new things, it always comes down to the standard two or three positions in the end for us.
Those include the missionary, doggy style, and possibly one or two others, but we’ve not really explored the scene with proper settings, environment, and the tools necessary to make it work.
So this year, we’re going to pick one position together, for each month, and then share our experience as it relates to the ease (or hassle) of engaging in the position itself and the level of pleasure for both of us, with missionary being a base index of let’s say 100.
As an example, if missionary was 100, I’d give 90 to the doggy style when it comes to ease, and 110 on the pleasure for myself. My wife would possibly give 75 to the ease of position, but 125 on the pleasure, for she finds it to be more stimulating for her G-spot, and therefore, gives her more pleasure intensity per minute of sex than the usual missionary.
My inspiration for trying new positions was re-ignited last year when I read this guide to sex positions to make her squirt by Hakima T A N T R I K A. She writes good stuff, and I regularly check for her updates on Medium.
What positions have you always wanted to try?
What positions are you going to try this year?
8. Acquire one new “skill-on-the-job” every quarter
I did not know how to give oral.
Absolutely one of the dumbest mistakes of my sex-life was to not learn about it sooner. In my defense, the available literature wasn’t much forthcoming nevertheless but then it was my job as a dutiful husband to find the right methods.
It wasn’t until I discovered the blogs on the medium website that I started to look into cunnilingus more seriously and found techniques that were absolutely mindblowing.
For me, and for her.
Now I not only am able to give her the best orgasm ever, for the longest time, but in the process, being able to pleasure myself whole-heartedly with the way her thighs squeeze me in, and the jolts her pelvic area feels the moment I dig my teeth into her soft flesh.
This has led to an extraordinary shift in the dynamics of our relationship and my wife has started to talk more openly about her sexuality than ever before.
I intend to acquire a new skill every quarter, that helps me explore, enjoy, and respect her body for everything it can do.
Skills don’t just have to be about performing an act of sex. Skills would transcend the boundaries, such as how to use virtual sex for asking what you want — written by one of my favorite writers Sarene B. Arias
If you have a skill that changed your story in the sheets, I’d love to hear from you.
9. Try at least one new location that we’ve never tried
One of my bucket-list items is to join the mile-high club.
Here’s an introduction to the modern mile high club, written by Average Don Juan
Inspired by his work, I am working hard on putting a plan in place, where we could have sex in an airplane.
If it means saving up enough money to be able to buy a first-class cabin in one of those luxury airliners, so be it.
Alternatively, I’m up for it in a long haul flight when everyone in the cabin falls asleep and we romp it out in a quickie style, just for the thrill of it.
I know my wife will need a bit of convincing, but we’ve done it in the front seat of a car, and even on a roof-top under the open sky, so this one will be for history books.
Only if the airlines would open next year.
A man can only hope…
Oh, and I know I promised a bonus one, too, so here it goes.
This one isn’t related to sex or intimacy really, but talking about this with my wife in the last year has brought us closer together on a few topics, so I thought I’d mention this here.
10. I will not slut-shame or body-shame
Now, this isn’t really a sex or intimacy goal, but some reading I’ve done this year has led me to respect peoples’ choices about their bodies even more.
Not that I actively engage in the activity, but I have to admit.
I’ve been judgemental at some level of a few things.
Not fat or anything like that but I find tattoos, piercings, and some ways of dressing up peculiarly unpleasant.
This year, I grew into my learning and have begun to accept everyone for who they are, and what they do to, or put on their bodies.
In the past, we’ve had conversations like “didn’t her parents see her before she left home” when looking at a girl dressed in a suggestive sort of an outfit, but this year, I deliberately chose to not act on my impulse and instead, began to respect anyone I encountered in this situation.
I began to look at it as a personal choice and my responsibility as an adult to respect that choice. Not only that, in my mind, I began respecting them for being bold, brave, strong to express their choice.
Not many people have that courage, I possibly don’t and therefore, I can only look upon these people as an inspiration.
I might still judge them at some level, I’m not going to lie, because my insecurities are deep-rooted, but I have no right to openly exclaim this to anyone.
I need to go deep to my innermost thought and remind myself that it is only natural for them like a “regular” outfit is for myself.
At some level, developing this sense of respect for peoples’ choices has given me the courage to talk about this with my wife, and confess to her how I’ve felt.
This is part of my growth towards becoming sex-positive, as is explained beautifully by Holly Bradshaw in this article on medium.
If anything, this has deepened our bond, and so this goes in the book of resolutions.
Share your resolutions with me?
So, there, that’s my list of sex resolutions for 2021. Think I may have missed out on something?
What are your resolutions for 2021 when it comes to sex and intimacy?
Let me know in the comments below.
I’ll keep you guys updated on the progress of these goals
