Joining the Foreign Legion…
“If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.”— If You Forget Me, Pablo Neruda
Despite one’s best efforts at an unencumbered life, passion for all things most especially for a single beguiling creature, led to waves of anguish. How is it that we can tap into our purest selves and still foster discomfort and even pain in those we hold most dear? Most dear.
Can the heart lie to itself and see what isn’t there? I can’t believe it; I have my own version of proof but what is done is done. There is no turning back, no making things right, no reverting back to who I was before. Or living a life of pleasantries where everything and everyone fits in to neat, sickening definitions. He is yours and she is mine, on Wednesdays I mow the lawn and on Saturdays I trim the hedges. “Wow, new car Bob? That price on the sticker in the window sure is meant to impress.” Kill me now if I have to consider decades of rigidity, pervasive boredom and structure which utterly destroy every day for the gift it is. There is dishonesty behind the eyes and so many are dead inside way before they take their last breath. Without novelty and a beginner’s mind, desire finds an inevitable death.
Infrequently we find ourselves in the role of the scoundrel even when all we’ve ever known is generosity, compassion and love. Admittedly, the black hat is tiring even if we are the ones who keep putting it on by our misguided actions and inevitable lamentations. However, ‘squeaky clean’ is not an authentic life; it is living by others’ definitions, expectations and demands. When the hits come fast and penetrate deeply, we grasp for whomever throws us a lifeline back to normalcy. And if that person has everything we revere, the danger and rewards of relationship missteps only grow. During a time of greatest need, are we wrong for wanting to pull that magnificent person in tight, heart touching heart?
Any attempt at order and decency again is irrevocably shattered. I bury dreams which were personally wholesome and publicly loathsome. I commit to memory, lessons good and bad and pray not to repeat the latter. I forget any chance of mutual understanding and appreciation for what each of us was going through. I see better the confusion I wrought.
Tomorrow, I ship out halfway around the world leaving behind what might have been, once and for all. What is most bitter is the ‘might have been’ had no chance to flourish. In the midst of the maelstrom, there was no opportunity whatsoever to show my best side. That I must accept (someday).
Bring on adventure, bring on danger, bring on challenge, bring on growth, bring on new experiences and friends, bring on purity, directness and receptivity in all I say and do and obtain in return. Bring on exchanges which have no room for misinterpretation, second guessing or dilution of their infinite power. Love equals love. Wonderment equals wonderment. Affection equals affection. If the potential is there, let us melt in to each other mind, body and spirit. I yearn to return to a world where whom I love most profoundly loves me back completely in the most tender of ways. It is the only one I have known most of my days.
Good riddance. I would rather forget this place ever existed. Don’t reach out; where my personal foreign legion is forging ahead, there is no means of keeping up communications. I intend to find what the vast emptiness and unknown of life redefined holds. When you look out to the ocean or the mountains or the desert, think of me discovering all the treasures within which were meant to be unearthed.
Be sure to read the entire poem linked above, it is more redeeming than the snippet I quoted! If you like what you just read, please ‘Recommend’ it below and ‘Share’ it with others by any social media you favor. To see all 22 of my posts, follow this link: https://medium.com/@vfulco
Image by New Weird.
SELECTED PRIOR POSTS
- “Empty Boats (Redux)”
(Read by 21 people) - “A Barricade to Love…”
(Read by 57 people) - “Underdog”
(Read by 55 people) - “Los Corridos De Lamentos”
(Read by 31 people) - “On Crushes”
(Read by 371 people) - “Slip Under the Surface”
(Read by 136 people) - “The Lingering Sting”
(Read by 90 people) - “I Will Find You In”
(Read by 65 people) - “The Great Destroyer”
(Read by 165 people) - “Damn It.”
(Read by 98 people) - “You Deserve…”
(Read by 69 people) - “There is a [Certain] Cruelty to Love…”
(Read by 117 people) - “Through My Eyes…”
(Read by 73 people) - “Walk Away…”
(Read by 117 people) - “Whenever I See You…”
(Read by 117 people) - “Open Questions for a Heart Which Can’t Be…”
(Read by 124 people)
