I make fun of everybody dis-equally

Hey, comics. Alex here. Quick favor: I’m gonna need you to stop saying you make fun of everybody equally, as if that makes you a hero. Your insult-communism doesn’t make you a righteous First Amendment warrior. It makes you an asshole.

How I’d talk to the son I don’t have about consent

My wife and I want to have kids at some point, so we’ve been practicing raising kids. And by that I mean watching parents and assuming we could do a better job. We are very good at this game.

Updated Idioms for Vegetarians

Too many common English sayings are just too mean to animals. As a long time vegetarian and a writer, I thought I’d put it on myself to update ’em up a bit.

I’m Done Rooting For Underdogs

I like to root for the overdogs. Give me your Golden State Warriors, your New York Yankees, and your German national teams. And if you put on a kids movie, I definitely root for the bullies from across town with the nice uniforms who haven’t lost a state championship in 30…

Sticks and Stones, They Also Hurt

You’re going to be shocked to find out this, but I haven’t always been this cool. I got bullied as a kid and thinking back on it, I don’t think adults really knew how to help.

5 Thoughts About Emotional Support Animals

1

If you have a service dog that I can’t pet, you should at least carry a smaller animal you can hand out as a consolation prize. You should carry around a hamster in a tiny green vest, at least.

The Only Five Situations When It’s Okay For An Adult to Wink at Another Adult