Literature Review: The Monkey’s Paw

Some lessons from high school really stick you. In sophomore English, we did this unit on short stories with fucked up endings. We started with “The Lottery” by Shirley Jackson — it’s about this city lottery but instead of money, the winner gets a lot of free rocks.

Romancing The Swan

As a culture we’re really good at white-washing history. We love talking about the ancient Greeks inventing math and democracy, but nobody ever talks about the time Zeus turned himself into a swan and fucked a lady.

The Top 5 Shows About Weirdos Searching For Gold

My one true guilty pleasure is watching weirdos on Discovery Channel searching for gold. Disc Cha knows this, so they keep cranking them out. And even though I’m ashamed to admit this, I would gladly add seven more to my weekly watch-list.

Here, Let Me Ruin That For You: The Giant Island of Garbage in the Pacific Ocean

The Friend Zone

I’m sick of people complaining about being Friend Zoned. Obviously it’s super misogynist to act like if you’re nice to a woman, she’s obligated to sleep with you. If you’re the kind of guy who says “friend zone”, you didn’t get friend zoned. She hates you.

In Defense of Snake People

Everybody loves to hate millennials. They’re the Nickelback of generations. The Batman V Superman of groups of…

Drugged!

I accidentally ate some drug chocolate. Well, I ate the chocolate on purpose, it was an accident that it had drugs in it.

Why Emma Watson and I would never work

I’m in a really good relationship, so as a defense mechanism, my subconscious looks for long-term problems in any attractive person I meet. Before I even have a chance to fantasize about her, my brain flashes forward to the reason we would never work: our…

Story Time: Hunks vs Nerds

I was on TV this week. My third time on Portlandia, my biggest role, and my first time I got to carry a giant duct tape sword and play piano, so it was completely rad.

The sketch I was in was about Carrie dating a hot guy and her nerdy friends getting…

Too Late: Monologue Jokes from 1805

Joking about current events frequently causes people to object that it’s “too soon” to joke about…