While on the surface it looks like we live in an era of a never-ending stream of rapidly exchanged messages — they cross oceans and time zones, connecting us to unprecedented degrees! — in reality, exactly because of the level of noise, many of us feel like we’re always waiting for someone or another to
respond to our message.
Chances are you and your partner, kids, friends and co-workers spend quite some time in your lives wondering: “What is taking so long?”
And a question that is even more worrying is: “Should I… chase them?”
So let’s look at the intricate art of the follow-up message, based on our research at Ixy!
I. The 24 Hours Rule
You’re in the flow and trying not to forget about a medium-urgency item on your to-do list. You send out an email, Slack message or text.
Then you wait. And wait…
Three ideas are wrestling with each other inside your head:
- The person on the other end must be in a different flow with a different to-do list (You give this 70%.)
- The person on the other end deliberately ignores you (You, though knowing better, give this 29%.)
- The person on the other end either has had a terrible accident happen to them and/or they don’t have coverage or wifi (1%)
The temptation to “chase” the recipient at this point is, naturally, great.
But the truth you so well know is that in all human relationships choosing our battles pays off.
So when it comes to that second email or message, you might consider this:
A follow-up usually signals *importance* — it means the issue at hand is more important than other, similar, issues. So be wise. Is this particular matter so urgent that you should use your “follow-up card” right now?
In short, if you always chase, you never chase.
In order to mark those truly important moments with a second email or text, in most cases the smartest thing is, indeed, to wait 24 hours (or more, depending on your relationship).
II. Don’t Hide
Getting offended by a non-response is quite common, and another strong temptation.
Our reaction might be: hey, you didn’t respond for 4 days so I will also not respond for 4 days. Or ever!
But the truth is we mostly make these mistakes inadvertently. (Just think about the ratio of you offending someone by accident, as opposed to on purpose. The latter almost never happens!)
And just because someone did respond late once, won’t necessarily make them a repeat non-respondent! Trust and kindness go such a long way here.
Communication is an *exchange*, and a way for any two people to reach a shared outcome. So if you look at it that way, you’ll see that it’s better to wait 4 days for a response and then react immediately, as then the sum of days lost will be only 4. Any additional day of “ghosting” from your side would only make it longer!
III. Don’t Blame
Let’s face it, blame is one of the most uncomfortable and destructive emotional interactions we humans can have with each other. It creates such tensions in our relationships —together with its even more evil twin, contempt — that avoiding it is highly recommended.
(It looks like only very casual passer-by relationships, or the other extreme, super close, e.g. parental, exchanges can bear the appearance of blame even to the smallest degree, without causing a catastrophe.)
In our “everyday” human relationships — friends, romantic partners, classmates, roommates, colleagues — we would advise you based on our research to resist any motivation to openly blame another person for a negative situation that occurred.
Of course, you always have the right to give negative feedback — and sometimes you should. But to make this a constructive process, it’s a good idea to specify ways the other person can improve the situation.
Often a question works best: “Is there a better way to contact you?” A lot of people will say, for example, that you should call them on the phone when something is really urgent. And that is *very* helpful info!
And, clearly, you always have the right to exit a relationship if you feel it is no longer working out for you.
But blame is neither constructive criticism — nor an efficient way to end things if needed.
IV. Don’t Lie
It’s important to emphasise that avoiding blame doesn’t mean we should act as if nothing had happened.
When it comes to “chasing” people in our everyday communication, there are two ways this small dishonesty may take place:
- We pretend we didn’t notice the other person didn’t respond (even though, inside, we are fuming!)
- We pretend we don’t even remember sending anything in the first place
At Ixy, we believe that truthfulness is the best way toward long-term happiness, harmony and cooperation. You never know when a small lie will “blow up” and become a bigger issue later. We advise you to express the truth, albeit kindly — “Hi! I was hoping to hear from you. How are you?”
We have also found that sometimes — especially during flirting, or a cold email campaign at work!— people do run into situations where the person they just messaged is simply not interested and will never respond.
By sticking to the truthfulness rule these situations can get cleared up much faster, and you can make an informed decision whether you want to give it another go and try to convince them to talk to you, or just drop it.
V. You Get What You Give
OK, you sent an email. A message over Slack. A text.
Nothing is happening. No reply. You’re stuck, waiting for the other person’s yes/no, or input!
What to do — right?
At these moments, we suggest you…. step back. It’s great that you’ve decided not to chase, lie, blame or ghost.
Now it’s time to try imagining the world through the eyes of those around you.
There are two interesting things you might like to consider:
1. We like to forget that we also get busy, and that we also keep other people waiting.
Today it’s your sister or Head of Sales who seems to be giving you some silent treatment. But wasn’t it — yesterday — you?
(Not to mention that if you happen to be a notorious non-respondent yourself, people will likely make less effort to get back to you quickly.)
2. Let’s say the 24+ hours have passed, and you’re itching to send a follow-up. We say you’re good to go. But before you’d send anything, think: what message would you like to receive?
If it was *you*, would you like to read an overt demand for attention and information? Or a kind inquiry that respects the humanity, busy life and mental overload capacity of the other person?
This all sounds simple, but will take some practice for sure. Use our five research-based tips, and you’ll see an improvement in the flow and positivity in your communication — with everyone!
Good luck!
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Ixy is building a stress-free messaging platform for happier relationships.
We use AI to mediate and support more meaningful conversations on your phone.
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