A-Z of Emotions: F for Fearful
We are all born fearless, for the most part. Our parents do their best to shield us from the bad world out there. But, eventually we face the world and that is when we learn to fear. At least, that was my process. Don’t get me wrong! I am not neurotic enough to think everything will kill me. But, I do have certain fears that have a strong influence on my life. Here is a condensed list:
Fear of snakes
The origins of this fear can be traced back to the movie Anaconda with Jennifer Lopez and Ice Cube. Do you remember that 1997 classic? My Indian parents, who sheltered me by not telling me where babies come from, decided it was a smart move to expose my 9 year old impressionable mind to the monster that is Anaconda. Not only did the movie make me HATE all the snakes, but I will even shudder and scream in my highest falsetto if someone throws a rubber snakes at me as a prank. Sometimes, I also have this ridiculous nightmare that an unspecified snake comes up through the TOILET BOWL while I am doing my number two, and swallows me whole! That is just whack!
Yes, I am aware that snakes are one of the most misunderstood creatures and they will leave you alone if you leave them alone. But, that line of logic does nothing to calm my fears of their existence. This is why I do now, and will always, skip the reptile section of any future zoos that I visit.
Fear of forgetting to lock doors
The psychologist in me connects this fear to the one and only time our apartment in Toronto got broken into. I was 14 at the time, and was left alone for the weekend as my parents had gone to America to see family friends. I was out to get groceries, and had (obviously) neglected to check if I had locked the main door properly. When I got back half an hour later, I was traumatized to see the door wide open, and things all over the place. Lucky for the family nothing valuable was stolen, because we weren’t rich enough to afford anything valuable. My apologies to the robbing bastards for their wasted effort. Upon investigation, the local police informed me, with slight contempt, that the main door was unlocked at the time of the attempted robbery.
Since then, I have had the fear of forgetting to do the same with car doors as well. Even though cars have sound alerts telling you the car is locked, there have been countless situations where I have had to walk back couple of kilometers to the car to double check if the doors were actually locked. Sometimes, I would get my ex-girlfriends to do this for me. That could explain the ‘ex’ part of the relationship.
In recent years, I have found a temporary fix to verify the locking of the house doors. Every time I have successfully locked the door, I go through a routine of yelling ‘LOCKED’ and gesturing ✔️ in the air. Although, 60 % of the time, this odd routine works every time, and that is why it is a merely a temporary fix.
Fear of dissappointment
I love my parents. As I mentioned in my previous post E for Encumbered , I was raised to be ambitious and strive for greater things in life. I did that in my teen years, for the most part. I was chosen as the Valedictorian in middle school. I got great marks in high school. I competed in talent searches to pursue the then-dream of being a rockstar. I did what my parents expected of me. However, I took a path less chosen after high school. I took a 3 year break instead of heading right into first year of university. I pursued an Arts degree and took 5 and half years to complete it instead of the standard 4. After university, I worked seasonal jobs such as tour guides or brand ambassadors instead of working a 9–5 with benefits. I broke away from the mold. While my parents have always been publicly supportive, I live with the fear that I am still letting them down.
‘Is this what they had in mind when they were raising their only child?’
This often lingers at the back of my mind. It is horrible, as it often leads to moments of self-doubt followed by self-loathing. What’s been my solution?
Well, this is why I took up drinking. Ha!
(partially true) Jokes aside, when I do go through these self-hate moments, I usually reach out to my parents and express my gratitude for giving me the freedom to do what I want, and letting me be the atypical Indian immigrant story. They consistently respond with something along the lines of ‘our happiness is knowing you are happy’ and I smile knowing that they have accepted my life decisions. Perhaps, at the end of day, it is not them who I am afraid to dissapoint. Maybe, it’s me.
Fear can be a good thing. It often tells us when we are in danger and keeps us safe. I know anacondas aren’t friendly, and snakes can kill you. This is why I will avoid them at all costs. At the same time, fear can oftentimes be imagined. My parents have never expressed that I have let them down. Yet, that fear has grown over the years and consumed me at times. I guess the trick is to let the fear help you. Instead of allowing it to lead to self-hate, I can use the fear of letting my parents down as a motivation to continue pursuing my ambitions. I can let the fear help bring out the best in me instead of my worst. I guess fear is how you channel it: it could be good or bad.
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