Jack & Jill Incident As Reported By The News Channels
A modern-day narrative of what exactly took place on that fateful day.
Here’s how the TV News channels would report the Jack-and-Jill incident. All names (except those of Jack and Jill), are fictitious.
Joe Stuart — TV Anchor
We have IMPORTANT BREAKING NEWS here. Two persons have been injured in a freak climbing accident. Jack and his companion Jill had gone up a hill to fetch a pail of water when Jack fell down and broke his crown. Jill came tumbling after.
Live from the hill, our reporter, Lucy Taylor takes up the story.
Lucy Taylor
Thank you, Joe. Well, as you say, two persons — Jack and Jill — had gone up a hill to fetch a pail of water. Suddenly, Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after. Back to you Joe.
Joe Stuart — TV Anchor
Thank you, Lucy. What do we know about the hill?
Lucy Taylor
Not too much at the moment. Jack was going up the hill to fetch a pail of water when he fell down and broke his crown. Jill came tumbling after.
[Headline appears at the foot of the TV screen: “HILL BREAKS CROWN OF PAIL-BOY JACK”]
Joe Stuart — TV Anchor
Any news about Jack and Jill?
Lucy Taylor
Joe, it seems that Jack had gone up the hill to fetch a pail of water. We know nothing about the pail, or how heavy it was. But it appears that Jack fell down and broke his crown, and Jill came tumbling after. I have here with me, an eyewitness to the entire accident, Mr. Shane Douglas.
Mr. Douglas, tell us what you saw.
Shane Douglas
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown, and Jill came tumbling after.
[Headline appears at the foot of the TV screen: “BOY AND GIRL TUMBLE DOWNHILL. WATER SPILLED”]
Lucy Taylor
Jack and Jill. What do we know about them? Are they brother and sister? Are they married? Just what were they doing on the hill together?
Shane Douglas
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.
Lucy Taylor
And what happened next?
Shane Douglas
Jack fell down and broke his crown.
Lucy Taylor
Go on…
Shane Douglas
And Jill came tumbling after.
Lucy Taylor
Joe, there you have it! Two people innocently going about their business to fetch a pail of water when one of them falls down breaks his crown, and the other comes tumbling after. Back to you in the studio, Joe.
[Headline appears at the foot of the TV screen: “WATER ERRAND ENDS IN TRAGEDY”]
Joe Stuart — TV Anchor
I have with me in the studio now, Professor Michael Moore from the Institute of Applied Hill Sciences.
Professor: A hill. Jack. Jill. A pail of water. A tragedy waiting to happen?
Prof. Moore
Well… that depends on the hill, the two persons, the object they were carrying, and the conditions underfoot. Let us look at the evidence so far: Jack and Jill / Went up the hill / To fetch a pail of water / Jack fell down / And broke his crown / And Jill came tumbling after.
Clearly, one would suspect that if Jack’s fall was severe enough to break his crown, then the surface of the hill must have been slippery and therefore unstable. But I think we’re overlooking something quite fundamental here.
Who was carrying the pail? Jack fell down and broke his crown and — this is the key — Jill came tumbling after. If Jack and Jill had been carrying the pail together, would they not have fallen at the same time?
The fact that Jill came tumbling after suggests that Jack lost his footing first and perhaps knocked Jill over as he slipped.
Joe Stuart — TV Anchor
Professor, thank you very much. So there we have it, two persons — Jack and Jill — went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown, and Jill came tumbling after.
Later in the program, some other news: Joe Biden has decided to Work From Home, since Trump is unwilling to leave the White House, the Dolphin Mating season has begun, and someone launched some dud nuclear warheads against no one in particular.
But next up, join us after the break for an in-depth studio discussion with two industry experts about hills, boys and girls, and whether water-fetching trips should be supervised. Don’t go away.
We’ll be right back.….
In my publication Any Given Sunday, I mostly write stories about parenting, being a dad, motivation, fitness, and some off-beat controversial topics.
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