Women Should Stop Trying To Walk Shoulder To Shoulder With Men (Part 2)
A man’s perspective.
This is the second part of the main article. If you have missed reading the first part, you can read that first and then come over here, since Part 1 sets the context for Part 2.
Is It Worth Fighting At All?
Surely a woman would have gone through all the emotional and physical trauma after delivering the baby and she is trying her best to regain her composure, her confidence, building up her exhausted emotional bank balance and many other things; and the last thing she would want is to have a conflict or a fight with her husband by demanding him to rise up to the occasion.
After all, she knows full well that there is a baby to take care of and it is not a time to get into fights. There is already enough stress and insecurities that a woman has gone through over 9 months, and more so after the delivery and the last thing that a woman would want is more stress with her husband.
So most likely she backs off and focuses on the most important task at hand — taking care of her baby and nurturing the overall development.
But this is where most of the men are known to take advantage. Because they know, that a woman cannot afford to pick a fight at that moment or she is already very insecure, they tend to get away with all kinds of excuses. More often than not they don’t even strive to take the efforts. Some of them do, but most don’t.
And even when men do end up doing something, even one single tiny thing — the woman is already so overwhelmed with all the stress due to the emotional roller-coaster ride that she has been on, even the slightest and smallest thing done by the man seems like a huge thing to her.
I sometimes wonder why do women get overwhelmed by such small one-time gestures? (please help me understand this).
Is it because they don’t expect it in the first place from a man (because a man is not supposed to be actually doing it and its not his duty to do it?), OR is it because they are so used to seeing men (by years and years of conditioning) not playing the part of what they are supposed to be doing in the first place?
I fail to understand, why not demand more and better from your man when it is absolutely required, not just for yourself but also for your child?
There are silver linings as well. A lot of men are known to be a pillar of strength for women during their pregnancy and post-delivery, but those are rare cases. And if you have a man in your life who has always been there for you during all your ups and downs, count yourself as a member of the rare club.
Some men are known to up their game and are far better tuned with the needs of their partner/wives and their kids.
But it does not happen in the majority of the cases. I have seen instances of most men shrugging off the responsibility of taking their wives for a scan at the hospital, or even a doctor’s visit by giving all kinds of excuses.
Yes, sometimes the work schedule does come in the way. But to think of it in the larger context, what is more important — a work meeting or being with his wife/partner and taking her to the doctor to check on the baby’s progress?
Let me share a personal incident with a friend of mine. Kind of ashamed to actually call him a friend now. Not because he did something to me, but because of the value system (of how he thinks about women) that he holds because of his upbringing. This friend became a father of twins, after some 7–8 years of marriage. A time of great celebration for him.
A couple of months in, I happened to call at around 10.30 pm to check how his wife and kids were doing. He was still in the office when I called him. So I asked him what he was doing in the office so late, shouldn’t he be home with his wife and his newborn twins?
He nonchalantly replied — “If I go home early, my wife is going to put on baby duty and make me do all the things. I purposely go home a little late, so that I don’t have to do all those things”.
Now, that’s the vicious cycle that I was talking about. What is truly unfortunate, is that his own kids are going to grow up in an environment, where the father is purposely avoiding taking up responsibilities at home by staying back at the office.
You can only imagine, the value system that his sons will build up watching their father behave like this.
It is quite well known (at least amongst the male circles), that most of the men stay back in the office till late hours or go to the office on weekends to avoid being on “daddy duty”.
Where Is The Man?
Fast-forwarding a few years, I also fail to understand why does the onus lie on the mother to be part of her child’s Sports day or attend the Annual school function, or go for the numerous parent-teacher interactions, and so many other things that are required as part of raising a kid?
How many times have you seen only a father in the parent-teacher interaction with their child? In my nine years of having kids — I have seen none. How many times have you seen only a father on sports days? Not much.
How many times have you seen only a father taking their child to a friend’s birthday party? Very few times. Even if he does, there will be a nanny around. How many times have you seen a father taking their child to a doctor all by himself? Very few times, but mostly none.
Men end up doing some things later in their lives when the kids grow up, for eg taking them to a soccer game, or a concert, or a basketball game, or go riding on a bicycle or go swimming because those are also the things that most of the men themselves enjoy doing for their own leisure and entertainment.
But the minute you ask them to take the child to the school for a parent-teacher interaction or to the doctor by themselves or babysit by themselves at home, they will casually pull out the famous “I have work” card (Trust me they have many such cards)
To think of it, a woman can not only take her child to a parent-teacher interaction, or go to the doctor by herself, but she is more than capable of taking her child to a soccer game, a concert, a basketball game, or go riding on a bicycle or for a swim or any other thing that is part of raising and entertaining her child. The only thing that limits her engagement is Time.
The argument given by most men when asked to raise their game as a partner or as a father is, “this is the way I am”, which is again totally baseless as they choose to be that way. It’s their choice. (some men do rise up to the occasion and they absolutely love to be involved in everything). Remember choices define actions, and actions define the person you want to be.
Ask yourself this, can a woman get away with making the same statement and shrug off her responsibilities towards her children or her family?
So I again ask — why does it have to be a woman who has to strive to walk shoulder to shoulder with a man? Who is the one that has to level up?
Permanent Conditioning Of The Brain
Let's also take a look at another angle. When a woman is about to get married, she is advised and coached by her mother to look after and take care of her husband. And that she should try not to hurt the man’s ego or feelings. Or that she should strive to maintain peace of the house and create goodwill between the two families.
I was surprised to find out recently, that this explicit coaching in many cultures actually starts at a very young age for women, as early as their teens. I can only imagine the amount of brain conditioning that must be taking place at a subconscious level all the time.
Add to that, in some cultures the coaching goes to stratospheric levels with mothers (and even fathers) advising their daughters to treat their husbands as Gods (I mean, that’s so bullshit) and always listen and do what he has to say.
Am sure in some cultures it does not happen, but in some of the Asian cultures, it does. And worst, in cultures where it does happen — it gets followed to the tee.
But why is the man never coached by her mother or even his father that he should take care of his wife, or that he has to take responsibility for creating goodwill between the two families, or that he should listen to his wife, or not hurt the woman’s ego or feelings, or that he should strive to maintain peace of the house, or he should always be there to take his wife for doctor visits when she is pregnant, or that he has to man up when the baby arrives and not shrug off his responsibilities as a father?
No, all this does not happen with a man. I can say this with confidence because I have actually asked quite a few male friends of mine, whether they were coached by their father or their mother before they got married or when they were about to have kids.
In all cases, I got a BIG No. They actually laughed about it by saying, “why would my father do that at all?”
You see men get away because they are left to their own means, they are never sensitized or coached by their fathers on the concept of building and maintaining a relationship, or advised on how to put their wives' needs above theirs, or how to up their game when they are about to become a father.
After all, men don’t talk about all these things, somehow it's below their dignity and pride to engage in such conversations. They also don’t see the need of doing it, because it has always been assumed that the woman is going to do most of the tasks.
You see this is where the problem lies. It's the woman who is “coached” and “prepared” for her entire life and especially when about to get into a relationship or marriage. And even if she is not coached before marriage, the lifelong conditioning that has taken place unknowingly in her home environment and whatever she observed or experience around her, makes her believe at a subconscious level that its the woman who is supposed to be submissive and listen to her husband/partner.
Women get conditioned from the very start as little girls. Men also get conditioned from the very start as little boys by what they observe and listen to. Most importantly, they will act, talk, and behave just like their fathers. So when a woman shows up for her wedding, she is not only conditioned but also coached. Man on the other hand is never coached.
The man just shows up for the wedding in his suit and a heavily conditioned brain. It's the root of all problems.
Not Having A Father Figure — A Blessing In Disguise?
In my personal case, I too never received any coaching or advice from my father or mother when it was time for me to get married. My father passed away when I was 5 years old. I was raised by my elder sister and my mother. I was raised by two very strong women.
So, I never got to see or experience how a husband is “supposed” to be with his wife, or how a father is supposed to act (or not act) when it comes to shouldering his responsibilities while taking care of his kids or observing the dynamics of a man-woman living under the same roof to make things work.
There was no father figure to imitate, so literally, nothing was learned about how a male dominates the house. I really don’t know how to even today.
When I got married, no one had this conversation with me or advised me on how I should manage my marriage or treat my wife or work towards creating bonds between two families. So neither I got any experience of watching this at my own home, nor anyone thought it was important for me to be aware of. I just got married. I also showed up in a fancy suit.
Surely, I missed out on a lot of positive things that come along with the presence of a father or having a male figure in the house to guide and mentor me on all the “manly” things. Do I regret not having a father? Yes, I surely do. Could things have been different? Maybe, I don’t know. It's very speculative.
But at the same time, I was never exposed to the concept of what a man is supposed to do or not do in a home environment. While growing up, in our house everything was on the table for everyone to get it done.
I also never got to experience the daily “dancing moves” that go around in a home environment, wherein the male dominates, and a woman is made to follow and be submissive just because she is a woman. Or the man constantly creates insecurities in the woman, so that she continues to do what is expected of her to do.
I don’t know how I would have turned out to be if I had a father while growing up. It's not something that I think or worry about.
Instead, I look at who I have turned out to be without a male figure to raise me. And to be absolutely thankful that the two strong women who taught me some virtues (some knowingly and some unknowingly) that still stay with me, as I enjoy my 14-year-old marriage and two young kids.
Not to say, I am perfect by any measure. Even I mess up the man-woman equation sometimes. (Remember? I never learned anything growing up). I also provide excuses sometimes to get away from uncomfortable situations.
But I am very conscious and aware of the fact that I am one who has to strive to walk shoulder to shoulder with my wife, and not her. It's my job and my responsibility to learn to do things that I don’t know how to, or the ones I have never done before.
Can I do everything? No, am no Super-human or a Superman. That would just kill the fun of getting beat up by my wife when I am not on my best behavior.
The reason for bringing certain aspects and backgrounds of my personal life into this article was to drive home the point, that we all get conditioned all through our lives, every moment, sometimes knowingly and sometimes unknowingly.
Our value systems, beliefs, behaviors, actions, and conversations are also shaped by what we experience and observe at home. It's where it all starts. It's the building blocks of what we become as we grow up into adults.
I would like to believe that by not having a father around; I got conditioned to look at the dynamics of the man-woman equation slightly differently and that makes me question the entire premise of why should the onus lie upon the woman to make efforts to come shoulder to shoulder to a man, and why not the other way around?
This article has been broken down into three parts. What started as a small piece to capture some thoughts and insights, led me to dive deeper into the subject and share some personal experiences as well. And in order to bring it all together, the original article became too long and had to be broken down into three parts.
Part 3 contains the following sections —
- Women Can Eat Men for Breakfast, Even For Lunch
- Puffing Away To Get Into The Inner Circle
- Crisis Management Best Handled by Women
- Don’t Read Up Too Much Into Genetic Differences
- Biggest Sham Of The 21st Century — Women’s Day
- Final Thoughts & Way Forward
In my publication Any Given Sunday, I mostly write stories about parenting, being a dad, motivation, fitness, and some off-beat controversial topics.
I am also very passionate about F1, and run a publication — Formula One Forever where writers from across the globe contribute to this publication
Some more thought-provoking stories from Any Given Sunday —
Dad Stories
⭐ Say Hello! To The 4 Year Old Forrest Gump
⭐ If You Don’t Pick Up Your Kids Now, You’ll Surely Regret Later
⭐ How to Extract A Commitment From Your Teenager?
⭐ That Day When Dads Took Charge Of Their Kids For 1 Day
⭐ Your Kids Need To Sleep For Atleast 8 Hours. Otherwise, The Consequences Are Quite Severe
⭐ Teachers, Stop Asking Children To Click Pictures. Instead, Do This One Thing
⭐ If a 9 Year & 4 Year Old Can Climb 69 Floors, What’s Really Stopping You?
⭐ The Real Truth About The Discovery Of The Indus Valley Civilization
Motivational Stories
⭐ If I Miss A Rep, I Punish Myself. And The Results Are Amazing.
⭐ Top 15 Quotes from The Navy Seals That Will Motivate The Hell Out Of You Everyday.
⭐ 5 Simple Reasons You Are Not Motivated, And What You Need To Do About It.
⭐ To Merely Want to Do Something Is Not Enough. You Need To Take Action.
⭐ To Earn Respect, You Have To Look Sharp
⭐ How To Manage Negative Talk From Negative People?
⭐ Making Promises To Yourself Don’t Work. Never Will.
⭐ When Disaster Strikes, Just Say The Four Letter Word.
⭐ Fail You Must. History Is Full Of People Who Failed & Bounced Back
⭐ Achieve Personal Glory By Embracing Your Challenges With Open Arms.
⭐ Why You Should Apply For A Job That Says, “Men Wanted For Hazardous Journey”
⭐ Be Different. Become Different
Off-Beat Stories
⭐ The Information Tsunami Is Sucking You In. And You Don’t Even Know It. (Part 1)
⭐ The Information Tsunami Is Sucking You In. And You Don’t Even Know It. (Part 2)
⭐ Women Should Stop Trying To Walk Shoulder To Shoulder With Men (Part 1)
⭐ Women Should Stop Trying To Walk Shoulder To Shoulder With Men (Part 2)
⭐ Women Should Stop Trying To Walk Shoulder To Shoulder With Men (Part 3)
⭐ 26 Amazing (Or Not) Things That We All Can Do During Humanity’s Downtime
⭐ Trust Your Common Sense To Beat The CoronaVirus
⭐ Why 2500 deaths/day is Creating a Bigger Panic and Emergency than 17,000 Children deaths/day?
