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Women Should Stop Trying To Walk Shoulder To Shoulder With Men (Part 1)

Rupesh N. Bhambwani

Published in

Any Given Sunday

18 min readOct 25, 2020

A man’s perspective

The Problem Lies In The Way It Has Been Put Across

From time immemorial, women have always been made to believe and think that they are the ones who have to strive to come shoulder to shoulder with men. This is the biggest fundamental problem. In my opinion, it should be the other way around.

The issue starts with the way women have been made to think and treated by people around them over many decades and centuries. It is just not the society, in general, that is guilty, but also the people closest to her in the home environment. The process of lifelong bias begins at home, even before that little girl gets to step outside to explore the real world.

The bias gets drilled into the heads of young boys as well by their ever-doting parents. Am going to put my neck out and make a bold statement here, but the biggest fault lies with the parents in the way they raise their kids with these biases. Conditioning of the young minds begins at home.

There is definitely a historical side to all this, that goes way back thousands of years. The Internet is packed with enough material written on the role of women and men during the early years and the hardships and sufferings that women went through. The objective of this article is to not throw more light on the hardships of women. There are renowned experts out there who have documented those aspects in much detail.

My attempt is to bring out a different and radical perspective by highlighting the dynamics that play under our very noses in our daily interactions, which leads to creating these biases and conditioning of the mind at a subconscious level. It's a very well-oiled machinery that has been working at its best from the very beginning.

The Industrial Revolution Was A Turning Point for Women

In the very early years, the man was known for being the hunter and provider, who was out exploring the surroundings with other males and hunting for food, while the woman stayed at home to cook and look after the kids. The man would be out all day long and came home late in the evening just in time for dinner, which he expected to be ready when he got home. And the woman would have expected him to get the hunt when he returned home.

It was relatively simple. You do your part, I do my part. This went on for thousands of years. The routine was set in motion.

Then came the Agricultural revolution, where the man worked in the fields and sometimes women also joined the men in the fields or did ancillary work on the land. The man continued to do his part, but the woman not only did her part of raising the kids and looking after the house, but she also worked on the land.

Her share of work increased. The man’s share of the work remained the same. The status quo was maintained.

Enter the Industrial Revolution, and one of its major impacts was the effect it had on the lives of women. Before the advent of industrialization, women were often tasked with traditional jobs such as making and repairing clothes. They were also commonly involved in helping manage the affairs of the farm and raising children. However, the traditional role of women began to change as the Industrial Revolution unfolded.

Women entered the workforce in order to help support the family. Women and children often worked in factories and mines in order to help pay for the family's cost of living. But women were not valued the same as men in the workplace and were often paid much less than men. Along with poor pay, women were also subjected to horrible conditions in the workplace. While women were often used as domestic workers in the homes of the wealthy, they also worked in the factories and mines.

The early feminist movements also emerged out of this time period, as women began to organize and protest for more equality in society. These early movements particularly fought for workplace equality, but first needed to achieve equal voting rights. As such, one of the first things that women began to fight for was the right to vote.

Throughout the 1800s, women were denied the right to vote, but this changed in most industrial societies in the early 1900s, as the governments began to extend rights to women.

The western industrial revolution for the first time kicked in a process of women working for full 8 hours in factories. The woman’s share of work further increased, as she still had to cook and look after the house and kids. But the man’s share of the work remained the same. The status quo was maintained.

The Digital Revolution — A Real Threat for Men

Enter the Digital Revolution, and the man-woman share of work really got into an imbalance. Both men and women were now working 12–14 hours a day, adding weekends to it as well. This is where the real fault lines started to build up and the feminist movements became more stronger and aggressive.

Remember, women have always been fighting to not only get equal rights to vote and work but also silently waging an internal war for the man to raise his game and play the role of a truly equal partner.

The digital revolution not only allowed women to become truly independent in their ideas, thoughts, and actions but also made them self-sufficient financially. Financial independence further fueled their desire to become more independent in their ideas, thoughts, and actions.

The interconnected world also made women from across the world to collaborate with other women and share their stories, their pain, their suffering, their ideas, their principles, etc. They became more aware, more knowledgeable, and more connected. They now knew everything about the world and its workings, as equal to what a man would know. Men no longer held the advantage of “know it all”.

A new cycle was set in motion, which was now threatening the traditional cycle that was put in motion thousands of years back.

Over the years men have suppressed the true power of women, and now when they see that women are breaking through the shell, it does not go down too well with men. It creates chaos in their minds. They have always preferred to follow the traditional routine that was set by their ancestors. It was a comfortable routine, one that worked to their absolute advantage.

On top of that, they have been mostly raised in home environments, where the woman (even though she might have a working career) is still seen as the one cooking, looking after the house and the kids; and the father as the one who goes to work and still gets to come back home to hit the couch, or just go out with his buddies for a drink. It is presumed that domestic chores, cooking, looking after the house and kids, schooling, etc will be all done by the woman (still very prevalent in most parts of the world, especially many Asian countries)

So, when men see women also doing the same things as what they have been doing all these years or are desirous in their attempts to do, it creates further distortion in their minds. They cannot place this new image in their minds of women becoming independent in their thoughts, ideas, and action. There is now also the added pressure to take up more responsibilities than before and participate in more different domestic roles than what they have been used to. This time the threat is real for men, as it is creating role reversals at an unprecedented scale, and it's happening to each one of them.

And as nature works, when anyone is threatened, they either become more aggressive (hence the rise of domestic violence in recent years) or retreat to their most comfortable environments (in the case of some men, it's their mothers or other women)

It's like they are no longer in the position of power that they always have been. Ideally, they would want to maintain the status quo to their advantage. Women on the other hand are in a very unique position in the 21st century. They are more independent than ever before.

They are financially more stable, have more opportunities to work, have better access to all the resources to make a strong career. They are more aware of their surroundings now that they are stepping out in the real world more often. They are better connected to gain knowledge and learn the same things that men have been learning for so many years. They are not just equals, but now they are a notch above men.

Basically, men are losing the edge and control of women that they have enjoyed for eons. Hence the resistance.

This resistance is then met by equal resistance (Newton’s 3rd law) by the women of the 21st century. They have come to realize that they are more than equal to men in a lot of respects, so they no longer want to take things lying down.

The feminism movement of the 21st century is about those women who are now pushing back thousands of years of anger, suppression, disrespect, humiliation, and violence, by making their voices heard through protests and any forum that will lend them an ear. More so in recent times by media, whose sole objective is to add more fuel to the fire or create newer fires. And if that fire is not burning enough as per their expectations, the media then goes all overboard with inventing a make-believe propaganda machinery around Women’s Day (I will talk more about this later in the article)

There is absolutely nothing wrong with feminist movements. Every voice should be heard. Any movement that can bring about lasting changes to the way we operate in our world, from climate change to human rights to nature conservation, is worth all the effort and time.

But a true movement has to begin from the inside, within the minds of each woman and every man. And it has to translate into our daily conscious actions.

It's no surprise that most of the mass protests on the streets and on social media die their natural deaths before any meaningful impact takes place or any structural faults are repaired. It surely does get everyone involved, gets many women worked up, generates tons of ideas, reforms are promised, and creates massive amounts of social media chatter.

Twitter benefits, Facebook benefits, Instagram benefits, Global Brands benefits, and Media Channels benefits. All in all, it creates a lot of noise. But why do the results not show at the ground level?

This leads to many questions.

Some Hard-Hitting Questions

There are many fundamental questions to ask — Why do we even talk that women should strive to walk shoulder to shoulder with men? Why is it even suggested that women should rise up to level up with a man?

Does it imply that women are inferior to men and that the onus lies on them to take the efforts to come shoulder to shoulder with men? What is so badly missing in women that they are the ones required to shore up the courage to be equal to men?

Why can’t the same be said for men? Shouldn’t the man be actually striving to walk shoulder to shoulder with a woman? Why is that not drummed out aloud in various forums and media? After all, isn’t a man actually lacking in a lot of qualities and virtues compared to women?

I can guarantee that if you were to make a list of all the things that men are lacking in comparison to women, you will end up with a list that would be good enough to go to the moon and back. Ok, that’s a little exaggerated, but the fact is men are way behind on a lot of things than what women are actually capable of accomplishing.

Let me prove it to you. This is a list of some of the amazing achievements that have been made by women. And all this just in 2019.

Black Holes have been one of the biggest mysteries of our universe and cosmos. The world got its first image of a black hole in April, thanks to Katie Bouman, a 29-year-old Ph.D. candidate in the US.
Esther Duflo won the Nobel Prize in Economics becoming only the second (and youngest) woman to win the award.
In India, Sub Lieutenant Shivangi of 24 years, became the first woman pilot for the Indian Navy, fulfilling her life-long dream of becoming a pilot.
In commercial airlines, Captain Wendy Rexon and her daughter first-officer Kelly Rexon became the first mother-daughter pilot duo. The two shared the cockpit for a flight from New York.
Finland formed a government of five parties all led by women, with the youngest Prime Minister in the world. Sanna Marin 34 years, became the world’s youngest Prime Minister after Finland’s elections
After more than 60 years of only men leaders at The European Commission and The European Central Bank, two women were chosen by European Union leaders to head two of the EU’s top institutions.
NASA Astronauts Jessica Meir and Christina Koch took part in the first all-women spacewalk in October 2019 when they ventured out of the International Space Station to replace a power controller.
Greta Thunberg, the 16-year-old activist from Sweden, became the face of a global movement for climate change in 2019

And if this is not impressive enough, consider the case of 18-year-old Alyssa Carson training to become the 1st human on Mars. At 16 years old, Carson became the youngest person to have ever graduated from the Advanced Space Academy, the first person to have completed all of NASA’s Seven Space Camps, and received the certification in Applied Astronautics.

This officially makes Carson certified to do a suborbital research flight and venture into space, all before receiving her driver’s permit.

But despite all this, the male community makes it seem that women are the ones who are lacking. In some cases, they also continuously hammer away at their self-esteem, ultimately making them lose their confidence in themselves. In some instances, it goes as far as mentally crippling them for life.

But It All Starts At Birth

Even with the impressive list of achievements that women are making in so many diverse fields, the core problem in many countries and cultures lies in the way women are made to think and believe from their childhood, from the instant they are born. Let me walk you through with some examples —

Men in the majority of cultures (there are few cultures in which men are required to shoulder up, as compared to women) are not expected or demanded to come level with a woman. It starts with the simple act of taking care of a newborn — from changing diapers to giving a bath to feeding them (not breastfeeding — Thank god for that), to rocking them to bed, and hundreds of other things that are required to keep that baby alive (literally).

But what do we see actually happening? The man shrugs off most of these, citing various reasons, starting from — “I don’t know how to”, “It makes me uncomfortable”, “I think I will create more mess”, “The baby is so small, I fear I would drop her”, “I was never told that I have to do this”, “In our family, men are not supposed to do all this”, “I am too tired right now”, “I am exhausted from my work”, “I have work to do”, “I have to get up early for office”, “Aren’t all these things to be done by the mother?”, “I have never done this before”.

But the best one is — they will stay silent even though they can clearly see what is happening around them, and what is needed of them.

Do you need more?, because I can go on. (But feel free to add more from your end if you have come across anything more interesting)

All this accounts for the fact that when there is a new baby, the father has to anchor the work and finances, while the mother recovers until she gets back on her feet. The issue is even when things do come back to some level of normalcy, most of the excuses however keep continuing.

A Billboard with signage of Excuses — Image Credit — Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

Why Accept The Excuses?

The thing that needs to be questioned is, why do women even accept these excuses? Why don’t women push it back (very few do) and ask the man to rise up to the task at hand? Why doesn’t the woman demand from her husband to own up to the responsibility of being a father? Why give in to these flimsy excuses at all?

You see, I don’t have any answers to any of these. Only a woman can answer that for herself.

But the point that I am trying to make is — Women don’t make such excuses when it comes up taking up responsibilities. Can a woman say? — I will not clean the baby or change the diapers, or not hold the baby because she is so tiny, or not give the baby a bath, or rock her to bed (even though she is exhausted as hell and dying to get that 10 minutes nap).

No, a woman does not say all these things. She just gets on with it. She figures out a way, even though she is not ready or trained for it. Possibly, she has a tremendous capacity to dig much deeper than a man and tap into her reserves to tackle this new challenge that has been thrown at her.

So rather than asking a man to rise up and take responsibility, she quietly (sometimes not so quietly) accepts all the excuses from her husband. Why?

There are two hypotheses that I could think of. Disclaimer — This is a guy’s perspective so bear with me, while I try to put together my thoughts on this. I could be absolutely off the mark on some of my reasoning, or I may make some sense out of it. I myself don’t know where it will land me while I write this.

One reason that I think could be — she is the one who has given birth to the baby. It is hers. The baby is part of her biological, physical, and emotional system for 9 months. So she is naturally the one who feels responsible for her baby’s well-being and literally her life.

And that innate desire and emotional attachment make her do things even though she does not know how to. I guess something triggers inside her to transform herself overnight to take charge of the baby and keep her alive. Motherly instincts are far more powerful than fatherly instincts after all.

On the other hand, a man does not really own the baby as a physical extension of himself. Biologically yes. But he is not the one carrying the baby around for 9 months, feeling nausea every day or going through hormonal changes, or any insecurities, any emotional turmoil, or any physical changes to his body; hence there is no heavy emotional attachment as yet.

Surely they are overwhelmed, excited, happy, and even cry when their kid is born, but it's nowhere close to what a woman might experience at the first sight of her baby.

Men surely get very emotional at the first sight of their child, those are definitely real feelings but they are not as deep as a woman’s feelings on seeing her baby. I don’t understand fully what she goes through, but am damn sure it's very much different than what a man goes through. It's something that no man can ever fathom.

Another reason could be because men so very well know that a woman has these reserves to tap into, they conveniently take a back seat and watch the show. Literally. How many times have we seen that while a woman is taking care of the baby; the man hits the couch and puts on the TV or goes out for drinks with his buddies?

Does it mean, that for a man “I am tired” entitles him to watch the game on TV or go out with his friends for a drink because he is stressed out, and for the woman “I am tired” means that “I am still going to look after the baby, because if I don’t then who will?” Why does it not work the other way around?

I have thought about this for a long time, and maybe discussed this with a few male friends as well. Must admit I have received some very puzzled looks and sometimes their eyes start moving towards the ceiling and slowly towards the door, indicating that it's time for me to leave.

And this cycle repeats, the baby grows up in this kind of an environment where the father does not shoulder his side of the responsibilities of nurturing the child. And to top it all off, the father also ensures everyone understands and accepts that he is not supposed to be doing certain things when it comes to looking after the kid.

In the scenario of a son, this leads to building a similar value system over time, and he then starts behaving in the same way when he gets into a relationship with a woman or marries her. The legacy from the father to the son passes on for generations.

In the scenario of a girl, this leads to her observing and experiencing first-hand that men are not supposed to be doing certain things at home, well just because he is a man. And that it is better to go on by yourself, rather than getting upset and banging your head against a wall.

This conditioning is so deep-rooted, that sooner this becomes a way of life, wherein the woman stops expecting certain things from a man because now she truly believes that it's not part of the man’s domain to do those things.

This becomes a vicious cycle that goes on forever and ever until a woman makes extraordinary efforts to break that cycle. But hold on, it does not always have to be a woman to break the cycle. A man is equally required to break this cycle, which he absolutely must.

Continued in Part 2

This article has been broken down into three parts. What started as a small piece to capture some thoughts and insights, led me to dive deeper into the subject and share some personal experiences as well. And in order to bring it all together, the original article became too long and had to be broken down into three parts.

Part 2 contains the following sections —

Is it Worth Fighting At All?
Where Is The Man?
Permanent Conditioning Of The Brain
Not Having A Father Figure — A Blessing In Disguise?

Part 3 contains the following sections —

Women Can Eat Men for Breakfast, Even For Lunch
Puffing Away To Get Into The Inner Circle
Crisis Management Best Handled by Women
Don’t Read Up Too Much Into Genetic Differences
Biggest Sham Of The 21st Century — Women’s Day
Final Thoughts & Way Forward

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