Those Cock-Blocking Third Wheels

My date and I were chilling outside the restaurant enjoying our third get-together. We just finished eating and the mood was on point. I knew it was time to break out the “game changer.”

Overly Excited Swat Guy

Swat Guy: POLICE. OPEN UP

Me: FUCK YOU

“DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE”

Swat Guy 2: *softly* that’s not what we say

SG: o yeah

No Gluten Is Free

Me: Excuse me mam. Do y’all offer any gluten free options?

Waitress: O you think this gluten is FREE?

Me: Huh. No. I have celiac..

Waitress: We WORK for our gluten here.

When Words Fail You

Walking into the local bar was probably one of the most tense things I’ve done this week.

Being plagued at my apartment by odd noises and stirrings throughout the week really unsettled me. Each night I get out of bed to check, there seemed to be a shadowy figure…

Top 5 Ways to Be Popular on Twitter

These tactics will make you popular in a bad way.

1. Roast somebody. Nothing brings you popularity faster than when you put somebody in there place. Think their tweet is terrible? Really voice your opinion on it and don’t hold back.

Don’t Judge a Bus By it’s Cover

“Would you wipe up what looks like an oil slick off the table” asked the customer.

Cooking on Good Morning America

Chef Duck: