Olympian mindset fighting cancer — looking for another possibility to live (Part 1)
39 years ago I was born today and this year I got the biggest gift of all — another possibility to live. Many times I did an exercise of imagining when I am old to reflect to see what kind of life I would like to remember. How I would like to be remembered? Only a few months ago I was confronted with my mortality and the incredible meaning it gave me.
IGNORING AND AVOIDING
I was staring at the toilet full of blood. I didn’t feel any pain or could see a cut. I googled scared to know and embarrassed to find the possibility of having hemorrhoids. Not all the symptoms matched. I only had slight digestion abnormalities.
As an athlete, I learned to live with discomforts in my body. I wanted so much to ignore it but after a week there was still blood. I could not hope anymore for it to go away on its own.
“I would turn toward my anxiety with an attitude of self-kindness and dispassionate curiosity and then turn toward my own yearning to love and to make a difference, even though these were precisely the areas in my life where I felt the most vulnerable. This taught me that if we want to change the impact of the difficult parts of our history, we need to learn how to carry those parts with us lightly, with self-kindness — and without giving them any more attention than they deserve. My panic gradually retreated. At the very moment that I stopped running and turned toward my pain and suffering, life possibilities began to open up, whether or not I was feeling anxious.” I read in the book (A Liberated Mind: How to Pivot Toward What Matters by Steven C. Hayes) while waiting for the doctor to come back with my test results.
“You have cancer and you need to go into surgery as soon as possible” I heard the doctor say to me at a clinic on February 17th, 2020. I was sitting not fully comprehending the situation. While the doctor was writing my case into the patient history files.
Fear of knowing the worst feels too much to handle however in reality the truth is that it sets us free to feel so light.
STEP BY STEP
Hearing the news made me dissociate from my body. The tears like heavy drops kept falling from my eyes. “I am dying now” I heard the voice whispering in my head trying to understand my new reality.
The shock of the news felt overwhelming. I remembered the advice I gave when we found out that my mom had second cancer: “We will take it step-by-step.” Making sure that we are taking care of one small step in front of us to the max. It helped me to make the experience controllable, manageable and feeling strong to accomplish it.
I remembered my mentor’s story. He didn’t get emotional, he, being a lawyer, wanted to be calm and collected to gather all information and make rational next decisions about his cancer diagnosis. I thought I would try to do the same, stay calm, and do all steps necessary.
I still had to face my mother’s eyes looking at me. “I don’t have good news. I have cancer” I had to say to her.
ANOTHER OLYMPICS
“Now, you have to stay as healthy as possible to handle the journey” was my mom’s advice. She knew this experience too well.
The athletic career trained me to face challenges and now I knew what to do.
I had to prepare for the surgery and for that I had to be mentally, emotionally, and physically healthy. The surgery date became my Olympics again. I had to become more sensitive to my body paying attention to its needs to gain more strength. Sleep, healthy food, exercise, no stress, and finding more joy became my priority.
HATE AND APPRECIATION
All my life I was praised for my athleticism, physical strength, and health. I was convinced to have superpowers. I trained, ate healthily. I loved my body. And now, I hated it. I glanced at the monitor with disgust and shame where the doctor was showing me the picture of my cancer. This black ugliness was in my body killing me cell by cell.
“How can I make myself love this cancer?” I knew that the thought and the feeling of hating my body will destroy me as much as cancer itself. I needed to go into the pain of this thought to be able to help my body and mind to be strong for a fight.
As the warm bath water was hugging me I let my thoughts pass through my mind freely. I realized that I used the drastic word “hate” because I wanted to lash all my intense feelings. While looking at my body I didn’t feel hate towards it.
I felt appreciation for my body as it enabled me to live through such incredible experiences in my life.
Maybe cancer was always in my body and maybe it is also part of my Olympic strength?
TO HIDE OR TO BE SEEN?
“How is Inga?” the message popped on my phone from my friend. I wanted to hide from the world. Would talking about cancer and death be too difficult for me and them? Would they see me weak?
Just a day before finding out about my cancer I consulted my client. With his strength and accomplishments came more pressure in his athletic and personal life. He knew he was strong and he could handle it all, but waking up in the middle of the night gasping for air from panic attacks was scaring him. He needed to share the weight of so many things he needed to handle with others. His job would be to focus only on what’s most important for him.
“I found out I have cancer. I need to do more tests to know what’s next. What an interesting life that I keep continuing living because it’s perfect as it is but also became so real and I’m glad about that.” I answered my friend’s message.
I felt I needed support and recognition to fight for my health and my friends gave me more than I imagined was possible.
My story doesn’t end here. However, because today is my birthday I would like to take a moment and celebrate you.
There will be not enough words to describe my appreciation for my family, friends, clients, and strangers who are teaching me daily how incredible life is.
Celebrating life, living, our magical bodies, and us!
I hope that my stories could inspire more strength in the hard times and the joy of living. Feel free to ask me any questions.
Inga Stasiulionyte, Olympian, Master Performance Coach, and sports industry consultant, shares the high-performance insights and case studies of the challenges that her clients face.
