Olympian mindset fighting cancer — surgery (Part 4)
All the tests were done. Biopsy showed it is positive cancer advanced to stage II. It circled the whole diameter of the colon, however, it didn’t spread to other organs yet. The surgery was scheduled for March 18th, 2020, and I had to arrive at the hospital a day before.
My former classmate who is a top anesthesiologist at the hospital where I would have my surgery advised me not to change my lifestyle until the surgery. The most she wished for me to monitor my stress levels. Instead of pretending to be a hero, I should take medicine to calm down if needed.
I was scared of the surgery. I was scared to give my life to complete strangers even though I knew that they were the best to take care of me. I needed to trust them, my strong body, and needed to trust life more.
Facing fears — the letter about living
I was not comfortable talking with my mom who gave me life about death. But we needed to have this talk. A few glasses of strong spirits gave us the courage to share what it is and what is meaningful. In our bloodline, many women suffered cancerous destinies. However, all of them also possessed incredible powers to survive many hardships with their heads held high. It made us think that maybe our mutations also gave us those superpowers?
The amazing support system from my friends kept me smiling. Their belief in me reminded me of my strengths.
Being open about my hardships, talking about cancer, surgery, death somehow these themes started to feel more normalized, not that special anymore.
I got curious if there is a way to be more comfortable with the idea that we all will pass one day.
I found a beautiful exercise writing a legacy letter — an ethical will. (“The Importance of Writing an Ethical Will–for You and to Those You Love” by Marc Agronin at WSJ)
“A legacy letter to those you love, not because you are dying, but because you are living a life well-lived. This is a letter from your heart. This is a letter of memory, morals, and blessings to those you love.” Sierra Campbell, Choosenurture
My favorite questions to answer in the legacy letter:
- What are some of the happiest memories I’ve had with my loved one(s)?
- One of the happiest moments of my life…
- The most important thing I learned from parents, grandparents, spouse, children…
- My favorite memory/story with my mother, father, grandparent(s), etc…
- My favorite family traditions…
- What were the most challenging moments?
- The hardest decision I ever made…
- My biggest regret…
- I would like to request forgiveness from…
- I would like to give forgiveness to…
- I am most proud of…
- I am most grateful for…
- My biggest influencers have been…
- Success truly means…
- The values I hope to pass along are…
- My wishes for you are…
- When you encounter challenging times, I wish for you to remember…
Before going to surgery, two things became important to me: not to be a burden after my passing especially to my loved ones, and to be remembered with a smile. This inspired me to take care of all my bills, my taxes, my responsibilities, and smile more :)
From mundane to interesting
It was a chilly morning, the sun was glazing empty morning streets. COVID quarantine regime just got announced. My best friend drove me to the hospital. I entered my ward and stared through the window. It felt as if the glass was separating me from life. I was still refusing to see myself as a patient. I avoided recognizing that this hospital bed was for me.
Nurses were coming and going to take more information about me. Preparation for my surgery began. I needed to drink 3 liters of solution in two hours. I thought it would be best to be left in solitude with my thoughts before the surgery.
However, my best friend kept ringing my phone. Gintare joined me in a drinking game. She cheered me up by raising her glass of wine while I tried to keep drinking my solution and for that, I will be eternally grateful for her.
In the morning the team of doctors who would be operating on me introduced themselves. I was rolled through grey corridors to the surgery room. The lights were passing on the ceiling, the nurses were chatting about their lunch plans. It felt that the only thing that was left for me is the notion of now. My whole world and life were left to those mundane moments of me laying on my back and watching those lights in the ceiling. The nurse wished me good luck and said goodbye.
I was transferred to the surgical table. As I started to look around. I could see a beautiful view of the forest through the window, jazz music was blasting and huge monitors around me were showing how my vitals were functioning. It looked like a media room where something interesting will start soon.
I guess these moments are not as mundane as I thought and I fell asleep.
Inga Stasiulionyte, Olympian, Master Performance Coach, and sports industry consultant, shares the high-performance insights and case studies of the challenges that her clients face.
