Olympian mindset fighting cancer — unknown decisions (Part 6)
“How I was able to work full time as a business analyst, train for the Olympics, and have a social life? Now, I am always sleepy and get tired fast. I guess this is what getting older means…” I thought to myself before my tumor was discovered.
I just cannot believe how much energy cancer was getting out of me! After surgery, I was ecstatic feeling so much energy again. However, I could not enjoy my new aliveness yet.
Many cancer patients were waiting for their doctor’s visit at the hall of the Cancer Research Center. You could not find a place to sit. More tests on my operated tumor were done so the oncologist could recommend the next treatment steps.
“There is a 15% chance that you still have cancerous cells. If your body would react positively to chemotherapy you could reduce the chance of dying from the same cancer to 5%. The chemotherapy would be administered two times a day orally by pills Capecatabin Accord 1800. You could experience nausea and loss of skin from your hands and feet. Since you are young your body should recover fully. You would return in a month for blood work and we will decide what’s next. So should I write a prescription for you or not?” my oncologist delivered in one breath.
This is not what I expected from this visit. I didn’t imagine that I will have to make such an important decision in no time and with so little information. I was stunned for a whole day. I tried to ask more questions but could not understand the answers.
How do you make such decisions when so much unknown and uncertain? As I asked this question, I realized that none of our decisions are certain and known because no one knows for sure what the future will be.
Pretending that we have everything in control even though everything is a trial and error. Beautiful randomness of hell and eventually happiness. The core ideas survive and then comes the right time for them.
I was looking at five pink pills in my hand the next morning. I remembered when Neo had to choose a red or blue pill to take in the movie “Matrix”.
Heat flushed my body, I felt dizzy and high for a few hours. Surprisingly pleasant experience. Later, I went for a run in a forest.
On the 12th day of my chemotherapy, I noticed blood in the stool. Panic thoughts flooded my head “Should I keep reminding myself that I am sick every day? Should I feel sad? Should I prepare to die? How do you prepare to die? Why do others get to live without such worries as mine? Why is that old lady complaining? At least, she is alive!”
The oncologist suggested visiting my surgeon because it could not be from the pills I was taking. My surgeon checked all the wounds and also could not understand why I was bleeding and said that it should be a side effect from the chemotherapy. We decided to stop the pills.
The first time I went to an oncologist I wanted a specialist to take care of me. I felt weak, lost, and scared of cancer, chemo, pain, damaging my body more, losing just regained energy. Her coldness and shortness brought me back to reality.
It is solely my responsibility to take care of my health and me.
It is not the first time I faced this lesson. Many years ago I put all the pressure, responsibility, and blame on my coach to make me a successful javelin thrower. Dan Lange thought me to take accountability for my actions in becoming a successful javelin thrower and more. No matter what circumstances, assume our full potential and live without excuses.
“Accepted mortal responsibility for my soul and returned me to a point where I could return to myself.” Paul Kalanithi, “When Breath Becomes Air”
I looked at my tests and learned about the markings of my cancer indicating type, spread, aggressiveness, treatment effectiveness: C20 G2 pT3N0 (0/19) M0 LVI0, MSS. I did extensive research myself, consulted more specialists, and changed my oncologist to a more caring one.
Now, I have a 75% chance of living 5 years. With that thought I returned to sessions with my clients, my garden, renovating an apartment, and dreaming about building a lake house.
Inga Stasiulionyte, Olympian, Master Performance Coach, and sports industry consultant, shares the high-performance insights and case studies of the challenges that her clients face.
