A Chat With For Love Or Peanut Butter’s Kelly Shanley
For Love Or Peanut Butter is a Slackjaw relationship column by Kelly Shanley that’s as bitingly hilarious as it is brutally honest. As the column prepares to wrap up with the end of 2021, Slackjaw editor Sarah James chatted with Kelly about the latest column, which might be the most painfully awkward yet:
A Text Message Essay From A 42 Year Old Man
“You asked me today if there was anything I wanted to say to you. There really wasn’t at the time, because I had already written you off.”
Sarah James: Reading that text message filled me with an absolute sense of dread. I have received that kind of message too, as I think a lot of women who date men have — do you have any thoughts on why men do this?
Kelly Shanley: I think men who send messages like this tend to have an over-inflated sense of self. The subtext being, “You really missed out on getting to be with me, and I don’t want that to happen to you again so here are all the not good things about you that are holding you back from getting to be with a great guy like me.”
I don’t want to make sweeping generalizations or anything, but my friends and I have gotten messages like this (via text or in person) from very good looking white guys more than anyone else. They can’t fathom a world in which a woman just simply isn’t into them, therefore there must be something wrong with HER. I don’t think the intent is necessarily malicious, and they genuinely believe they’re doing the woman a favor, but they have no self awareness as to how incredibly condescending and inaccurate they actually are.
SJ: Obviously this is not the classy way to handle a breakup. In your opinion, what is the best way?
KS: Not in writing, ever. (I’m looking at you, Berger from Sex and the City). If you can do it in person, do that. If you can’t do it in person, do it via Zoom or FaceTime so that it’s as close to a conversation as can be. Even a regular phone call will do. You have to give this person the opportunity to respond and ask questions, which I think is what spooks people into being indirect or straight up ghosting. I get it, confrontation is scary, but it is not kind to send a text message telling someone you never want to see them again, and it’s also not fair to deprive them of the chance to express how they feel about it. If they respond by throwing a temper tantrum, you can just ride it out knowing that you made the right decision.
SJ: I have to know: was publishing that message on the internet for the world to read satisfying?
KS: YES. I’ve been wanting to do something with it and this was the exact right time and place for it. It’s frustrating to have anything mansplained to you, but it’s especially infuriating when some dude tries to tell you what kind of (undesirable) person you are. It was nice to get my own thoughts out and to have so many supportive comments indicating that I was not crazy for recoiling at this message, and of course to know that I’m not alone. I love my readers so much!
SJ: On a related note, you’ve been really open in sharing your dating stories in this column. What’s that experience been like for you?
KS: It started out terrifying, if I’m being honest. I’m a standup comedian so I’ve gotten somewhat used to sharing personal information onstage, but standup happens somewhat in a vacuum (for those of us who aren’t Iliza or Dave Chappelle). Whoever is in the room gets to hear my humiliating stories, TMI moments, and hot takes on my biological clock, but that’s it.
Publishing on the internet is a little different because it lives there forever. The first few columns had me shaking in my boots, but after I started getting comments of appreciation, support, and “OMG girl SAME!” I realized I was onto something. The more vulnerable I felt and the more revealing the work, the more relatable it became to anyone who read it. (Men included!)
SJ: Any favorite editions of For Love Or Peanut Butter you want to highlight?
KS: I have a few early favorites that are more about life-changing epiphanies that helped me heal myself than they are about classic dating fiascos.
First up: “How Deleting The Dating Apps Depleted Some Of My Existential Dread” This was a major turning point for me, and I tell anyone who asks me for dating advice to get off of the apps immediately. Dating apps can be a helpful tool, sure, but they can also make us forget that the profile we’re judging on our phone is a real human being. I think it’s a big part of why dating culture has gotten so insensitive and dread-inducing. I was guilty of it too!
The column that follows, “Let Me Introduce You To The Version Of Me I Think You’d Like To Meet” , goes into more detail about how I realized that I wasn’t being as authentic as I thought I was and how much that was getting in my way.
And of course, The One Time I Fell For Dick Pics is a fun read that just makes me smile. Also, I had multiple friends reach out to me about a Netflix movie about a dating columnist who gets catfished (ahem, sound familiar?) and the guy she falls for does the same move: he offers a dick pic and then sends a picture of Richard Gere instead. I’m not saying that movie was ripped from my headlines, but there are a lot of coincidences…
Look for the final installment of “For Love Or Peanut Butter” on Slackjaw soon!
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Whoa, you made it to the end. Thanks for reading!
Happy Holidays from all of us here at Slackjaw and here’s to a hilarious 2022. Stay safe out there.
— Alex Baia, Sarah James, Maddie Weigelt, Molly Henderson, and Justin Gawel
