A-Z of Emotions : I for Invested
I am not like other guys. I have never fit in with the tropes of popular culture when it comes to men, women and S-E-X. Sitcoms and rom-coms have taught me that men go to bars to score women and bring them ‘home’. Two people can have an arrangement where they use each other for sex on a short term basis without any of the emotional commitments.
That’s not me.
To me, sex has always meant more than just the physical pleasure. It is the ultimate form of vulnerability, and that requires trust and emotional bond. I could never imagine sleeping with someone whose T & A are the only things I care about. That is why I can’t relate to social norms like one-night stands or flings. Call me old-fashioned, but if I want to or have slept with you, I am emotionally invested in you. And every investment bears risks.
Necessary disclaimer: at no point through this post do I intend or mean to rain down judgement on those who have different beliefs. Sex is a matter of personal freedom and choice. The post anecdotes my experiences navigating this aspect of life as a grown man.
Let’s rewind back to summer 2014. I had finally caved to downloading Tinder, and matched with a, let’s call her Valerie. She was from Barrie, a city few hours north of Toronto. In our conversation, Valerie seemed charming. We had similar taste in music and sarcastic senses of humour. She was checking all the boxes so far.
After a week of texting, we met up for drinks in Toronto. This was the first time I was meeting someone from a dating app. I didn’t know what this was supposed to be. Was it a casual hang? Was it a ‘date’? Back in the day, Tinder was notorious for primarily being a hook-up app. Were we just going to hook up?
Valerie was prettier in person. We had instant chemistry. We kept chatting for hours, as we had a lot in common. Both of us had backpacked through Europe, shared a mutual love for Roch Voisine , a 90’s French-Canadian heartthrob, and couldn’t understand those who put ketchup on their eggs!
The night was,unfortunately, coming to an end. I wanted to kiss her but always get awkward at initiating the kiss. Thankfully, I was experiencing inflated sense of confidence due to the alcohol, and had the perfect move in mind.
“It’s pretty chilly right now eh?”
That’s all I could come up with!
“Umm, what?! Its July. What’s wrong with you?!”
“Haha, shit! Sorry.. um I was hoping.. umm can I kiss you?”
Smooooooooooth
We saw each other again the following weekend. Even though she was couple of hours away, I volunteered to make the drive to see her on a Friday night. I had paid for a hotel, and we were going to spend all of Saturday together. Valerie and I met up for late night drinks close to my hotel. She was her charming self. We ended up talking about our childhood, first concerts, first date horror stories, etc. I was starting to feel a connection. As I was paying for our drinks, Valerie leaned in with a devilish grin, and asked,
“Hey Nilabjo, you have a hotel room right?”
We came back to my room. Usually, my second date policy is first base. But, there was nothing usual about this. We had met a week ago from a dating app. Yet, we had a connection as if we had known each other for months. She was a smart and beautiful girl who thought I was funny. Like I said before, there was nothing usual about this.
We began making out on the couch in the room. Things were getting intense. It was inevitable that we were going to skip a few bases. In the past, I had slept with girls for the ‘first time’ only once I knew we were ready to be in a relationship. But, Valerie and I had bf-gf chemistry our second date. Plus, I was too caught up in the heat of the moment to object. After all, if she was ready to sleep with me, then she must have feelings for me too.
We continued hanging out for the rest of the summer and did, you know, summery things: music festivals, movies at the drive-in, days at the beach, and so on. Being around her felt very natural. I was starting to open up to her more. Letting my guard down around others took a lot of trust. This was a sign that I was ready for the next step.
“Hey Val,”, that’s what I called her, lovingly, “we should talk about us.”
“uhm, yea sure. What’s up?”
“I really like you. We clearly have feelings for each other. Now, I realize you are a bit far, and it’s not going to be eas-.”,
She cut me off before I could finish saying easy. I had a spiel prepared. Summer was going to be over in a couple of weeks. We were both going to go back to our busy university lives in the fall. She was finishing her last year of Masters and I was juggling a full courseload with two jobs. It wasn’t going to be easy, but I was willing to make it work.
“Joe, this is awkward. I wasn’t sure what you have in mind. But I assumed you knew this was just a fl-”
FLING!
I had never had one of those before. She was my first. All I knew about flings was from films about summer romance: The Notebook, Dirty Dancing, Dirty Dancing II. To me, they just seemed like a ruse to have all the fun without the commitment.
“Listen, you are a great guy.”
There was a ‘but’ coming.
“But, I can’t handle a relationship right now with my busy schedule. I figured you knew this was just a fling.. ”
I didn’t know that.
I had hopes for something more than a fling. We had so much in common. Plus, we had slept together. Doesn’t the sex signify a mutual desire for wanting commitment? Wanting to be with each other for more than just a season? To me, it did.
I could never have sex with someone without getting emotionally invested in the person. The trouble is when the person doesn’t reciprocate the investment, it leads to heartbreak. But, you suffer heartbreak because you care. I would rather feel pain, than not care at all.
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