Photo: Rafael Nir

I Do Not Plan To Join A Coalition Government In Israel At This Time

So I got this offer the other day to join a coalition government led by a certain Benjamin Netanyahu. This would be in Israel, a country that I have not visited, plus I don’t speak Israeli.

My first question is, why me, a 53-year-old linoleum flooring installer in Sheboygan? I have to think they asked a lot of politicians in Israel and quite possibly elsewhere before they got to me. Did they all say no? That by itself makes me a bit wary.

I want to…

Photo: Steve Johnson

Thank you for giving us the opportunity to read your submission. Unfortunately, it does not meet our current editorial needs. Please forgive the form letter, but because of the large volume of material we receive, we regret that we cannot provide specific comments on submissions that are not accepted. Instead, we offer the following list of reasons, some or all of which may apply, for rejecting your piece.

  • Your cover letter began “Dear Sirs.”
  • Your cover letter stated “my teacher gave me an A.”
  • You listed “volunteer at the pet shelter” as a credit.
  • You typed your submission on onionskin…

Photo: Elliott Stallion

I, ____Alfred E. Pudnutz_____, declare:

1. I am a poll worker for the state of Georgia/Wisconsin/Pennsylvania/Michigan/Arizona (circle one). This affidavit supports the Trump campaign’s motion to overturn the totally rigged election due to massive fraud.

2. I personally witnessed the following horrible, very bad things: (select from below)

3. A poll worker who was counting votes in a heavily Democratic district has eleven fingers. Therefore, votes for Biden should be reduced by ten percent.

4. Hillary Clinton tried to use her mug shot as a photo ID.

5. I was told I must remove my MAGA hat, Confederate flag shirt…

photo: Pisit Heng

Muffy recommends it!

badass — adj. Originally, a tough guy, someone to stay away from; now, anyone who is somewhat competitive.

“Stephanie won first prize for flower arranging again this year. She’s such a badass!”

bro — n. shortened form of “brother”, originally, a fellow young, Black male; used now without irony to refer to any fellow young, presumably white, male.

“I noticed that there aren’t many Black tech bros in Silicon Valley.”

Can I help you? — Phrase used by salespeople when a person of color enters a retail store. …

He was in a band bigger than The Beatles.

Photo: Josh Sorenson

Me: Thank you so much for agreeing to this interview, Sir Richard.

Ringo: Just “Ringo” is fine.

Me: You must get so tired of interviewers asking you the same questions over and over again about The Beatles.

Ringo: That’s all right. After all, we were the greatest band in the land.

Me: Beatles this, Beatles that. The Beatles broke up fifty years ago.

Ringo: I know.

Me: It’s as if people don’t care that you had a life before The Beatles and have a life after The Beatles. …

Photo: Nico Smit

Dogs can contract COVID-19. Ditto cats. Why not opt for a novel pet that reflects your personality: wild, exotic, barely approachable, possibly not house-broken. You need a unique animal that will make your friends envious and your less imaginative neighbors cringe. You need cutting edge house pets.

Hissing cockroaches — Think you know cockroaches? Think again. These big boys from Madagascar grow as thick as your thumb, and they’re strong enough to pour your cornflakes right out of the box. Hissing cockroaches breed rapidly in warm, dark areas, making them excellent pets for teaching children about human reproduction. But you…

At the end of a leafy walkway on the Princeton University campus sits a Colonial era building of tan stone. We peer into the leaded glass windows as a meeting of the board of trustees convenes.

“I’m calling this meeting to order. Our first order of business is whether to rename the Woodrow Wilson School of Public and International Affairs.”

“Tell me again, why would we do that?

“He was a racist.”

“Wasn’t pretty much everyone a racist back then?”

“He segregated the entire federal workforce and fired Black workers based on their race.”

“But: League of Nations.”

“He screened…

Photo: Jon Flobrant

We’re looking forward to having you as our guests next week! We’ll do our best to make your stay at the Cozy Cottage by the Charming Pond an experience you’ll never forget.

Getting here takes a little effort, but that’s part of the fun! We have no street address per se, and GPS doesn’t work well here — more than one would-be guest has driven into the Charming Pond. We’re not real good at giving directions either, so we suggest you stop by the quaint post office off Route 40 (or 14?), and ask for Hank, who’s almost always leaning…

Phil Witte

Writes for Slackjaw, The American Bystander, Funny Times, Points in Case, and a blog for Cartoon Collections. Cartoons run in major publications in the US & UK.

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