100+ Jokes About The News!
A complete compendium of the first 10 volumes, originally run in The Haven from April 2022-November 2023.
If you’ve been following me for a while, you’re likely aware of the fact that I like to crack wise about the wackiest headlines that grace my news feed. I enjoy doing this so much, in fact, that I’ve published over 100 monologue-style jokes on this godforsaken website regarding the likes of Trump, Biden, Elon, Putin, and plenty of other figures so ubiquitous that we can comfortably refer to them with a single name.
In the spirit of giving, I’ve decided to compile each volume thus far into a single massive compendium, just in case you’ve got a big meeting coming up which requires some smart-ass remarks and the only thing you’ve got time to do is CTRL+F and pray for the best.
Here’s to 100 more years of absurd headlines, wacky media takes, and whatever the fuck kind of career this is that I’m doing! And as always, thanks for laughing.
Volume 1: Original publication date April 13, 2022
Tish Cyrus files for divorce from Billy Ray after 28 years of marriage. When asked for comment she explained “First I thought he was Hannah Montana’s dad, now I’m finding out he was secretly Miley Cyrus’ dad? It’s like I don’t even know who he is anymore.”
Amid rise of gun violence, Biden unveils ‘basic common sense’ regulations targeting ghost guns. Still no word yet on his plan to deal with zombie guns, goblin guns, or the dreaded Franken-gun plaguing the Southwest.
Will Smith has been banned from attending the Oscars for 10 years over the slapping incident with Chris Rock. When asked why he received such a harsh punishment, a representative for the Academy simply stated “Our hands were tied, he’s not a white pedophile so he was already on thin ice.”
Kid Rock launches new tour with a video greeting from Donald Trump saying “I love you all.” This most certainly sets the tone for the concert of a lifetime, as this has never been said to a Kid Rock fan before.
Biden has been critiqued for “hiding in his bunker.” An official spokesman for the White House clarified “He wasn’t hiding, that’s just where he goes to nap. There’s a sun beam down there.”
Bill Gates says another pandemic is coming. Jesus Christ, do we really need a reboot of every single classic franchise?
Marjorie Taylor Greene defends January 6th because it “only happened one time.” Poor Marjorie Taylor Greene, she doesn’t even know January 6 happens every year.
Jussie Smollett maintains his innocence in an ongoing legal battle regarding an alleged fake hate crime. Good thing he’s feeling better, last I heard he was really beating himself up about it.
Brett Favre has been Implicated in an $8 Million welfare scam. When asked for comment, Favre announced his retirement from the NFL, just out of muscle memory.
Man who claims he could have stopped the 9/11 hijackers recounts being thrown out of a party by the ear.
Volume 2: June 29, 2022
A Subway employee was gunned down after an argument that began over mayonnaise. It began over condiments, and ended over cold cuts.
Sarah Huckabee Sanders offers an ‘interesting’ alternative to getting an abortion. Simply open fire on the unwanted pregnancy.
Disney is beginning to feel buyers remorse after learning just how insufferable the average Star Wars fan can be.
Biden administration report shows massive fossil fuel industry job losses. In a quote to the press, Biden said “I knew those fossils before they were fuel!”
Ted Cruz has Twitter beef with Samuel L. Jackson. This should come as no surprise, since Ted Cruz’s porn history clearly shows he wishes to be a bad mother fucker.
Gullible Millennial thinks it’s humanly possible for Republicans to experience any form of consequence.
Guy who noticably can’t fight believes violence is “fair game.”
In Amazing news, Andrew Garfield has signed on for future Marvel movies, exemplifying a positive outcome from a second trimester abortion.
Former Russian general reveals Kremlin’s potential WW3 strategy. What kind of backwards propaganda is this? Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a ‘former’ Russian general.
Hillary Clinton sums up Clarence Thomas in three words. This is a lot of progress for Mrs. Clinton, as she normally just uses one when describing black people.
Volume 3: August 24, 2022
The United States is set to give $3 Billion in arms to Ukraine, along with an unspecified number of legs.
Donald Trump’s team just royally screwed him in broad daylight. Boy oh boy, these celebrity OnlyFans creators are ruining the platform for everyone.
Teacher hatches ingenious plan to catch cheaters during exam. He caught 14 students fucking his wife.
Employee who lost half his skull after a pub golf outing sues PwC for criminal negligence. The company has denied any wrongdoing, simply stating “It’s nothing to lose your head over.”
Parkland school shooter Nikolas Cruz’s drawings from a Florida jail reveal his disturbed mind, and a promising career as a manga artist in his future.
Student loan companies will scramble to adjust and some borrowers could fall into delinquency if Biden extends the payment pause.
If these corporations couldn’t afford to give out loans, they should pull themselves up by their bootstraps and stop begging for handouts.
Top Hungarian weather service officials fired after delivering the wrong forecast. The team were subsequently offered a position alongside the new White House press secretary.
Airline crew shortages and delayed flights have travelers lamenting their “Worst travel experience ever” weeks before the anniversary of 9/11.
The IRS has initiated a safety probe after workers received violent threats, but I’d also just accept the money in exchange for my silence.
NASA scientists have finally uncovered the sound a black hole makes! The bad news is, it sounds exactly like “Gangnam Style”
Volume 4: October 9, 2022
Russia has appointed a new overall commander for its military in Ukraine. No word yet on why they don’t just switch to belts, but fashion has never been Putin’s strongsuit.
A Mark Wahlberg real-life drama is destroying Netflix! And here’s a twist: It’s not a 1988 hate crime that blinded a Vietnamese teenager!
North Korea is suspected to have fired at least one ballistic missile, and an unspecified number of hysterical grenades.
Hollywood executives have ordered a thrilling sequel to the Depp V. Heard trial, recasting Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie in the starring duo’s roles.
Forbes details the weird, undemocratic voting system that is taking hold in the U.S… News flash: It’s called the electoral college!
LaDainian Tomlinson reveals the shocking reason why black coaches aren’t hired: Racism.
Trader Joe’s just brought back a beloved pre-pandemic tradition: Spitting in each other’s mouths!
Many young people shouldn’t save for retirement, says country on the brink of social security collapse.
Thank god Vox is here to explain the death toll of Hurricane Ian. Here’s the explanation: Sometimes hurricanes kill people.
House Democrats plan to censure Marjorie Taylor Greene for calling Biden ‘Hitler.’ I wonder if they’ll also want to censure me for calling Marjorie Taylor Greene ‘a cunt.’
Volume 5: November 28, 2022
Bodybuilder shows off serious damage steroids have done to his body in bid to help others… Is the best excuse I’ve ever heard for when your wife catches you sending nude photos to the young guys at the gym.
You’re not prepared for Tom Brady and Gisele Bündchen’s “ironclad” prenup details… Is what Tom Brady’s lawyer said during a deposition, between sobs.
Some Republicans criticize Trump for meeting with white supremacist… But most of them are waving their tiki torches in excitement.
Atlanta woman gives birth inside a local McDonald’s. Sources indicate the child is a double quarter pounder.
Russia has reportedly revealed its Brittney Griner plan. If it’s anything like their Ukraine plan, it might take a long time before this gets sorted out.
Noted fruitcake Herschel Walker tells disenchanted youth to ‘find somewhere else’ and ‘give up US citizenship.’
Maybe he’s just grouchy because he hasn’t recovered from his daily morning concussion yet.
Tenoch Huerta confirms his buldge was edited out of Black Panther: Wakanda Forever, despite literally nobody asking. “It was the biggest one in the MCU!” He added, vigorously.
NFL mascot’s racy outfit is going viral. “For Christ’s sake, That Tiger is hung like Tenoch Huerta!” Says Tenoch Huerta.
Local idiot spent $9 million on a free COVID vaccine.
Straight Outta Antibodies.
Elon Musk personally called CEOs of companies that stopped advertising on Twitter… because he couldn’t figure out how else to cyberbully them.
Ghislaine Maxwell’s conviction appeal is in Jeopardy. Apparently she forgot to specify who she sex trafficked underaged children to in the form of a question.
Volume 6: January 12, 2023
An insider from the Biden administration reports that nuclear launch codes were left behind at a Denny’s counter.
Republicans are speculating that Biden left the documents as a tip on his Grand Slamwich meal.
Officials from Poland are answering Kyiv’s pleas for Western-made heavy machinery by sending battle tanks to Ukraine, with talks of Lil Yachty potentially bringing the Wock.
The FDA has granted accelerated approval to an experimental Alzheimer’s drug, and don’t you forget it!
A classroom of over 400 students organized to make the substitute teacher cry over the course of 15 class sessions. Class clown elected “Head Dunce.”
The oldest living Pearl Harbor survivor just turned 105. Rumor has it, they’re throwing him a surprise party.
After being stranded by SouthWest airlines over the holidays, an Oregon family opted to spend $4,000 on a multi-day road trip to get back home.
This is the most recent in a centuries old string of dysentery deaths to plague the Oregon trail.
FBI Investigator says alledged Idaho murders suspect Bryan Kohberger made ‘every mistake’ a murderer could make. But an analyst from the CIA thinks he could have done it much worse.
Putin snaps in recorded meeting with ministers, causing them to begin harmonizing like a barbershop quartet.
The FDA has granted accelerated approval to an experimental Alzheimer’s drug, and don’t you forget it!
The oldest soda in the world is still around today! But experts suggest it’s most likely gone flat.
Art gallery owner hoses down homeless woman on the street in a shocking and moving installation of class warfare. The artist is set to receive a Pulitzer prize this Summer.
Volume 7: March 27, 2023
Ohio sues Norfolk Southern over train derailment.
Apparently the hazardous chemicals have filed a countersuit on the grounds that they “Don’t want to be in Ohio.”
BBC World News host quits weeks after apologizing for her family’s links to slavery.
Reports are saying she was “Totally owned” on Twitter.
A recession indicator just flashed its loudest warning ever.
Joe Biden was so startled he nearly dropped his hearing aid into his soup.
Trial postponed for fitness influencer accused of scamming thousands of customers.
She was doing an intensive workout routine, consisting mostly of stick-ups.
Arnold Schwarzenegger addresses growing trend of anti-semitism, calling it “The path of the weak.”
Coincidentally, Kanye West just announced his latest single, under the same name.
Tik Tok faces uncertain future after 5 hour long congressional thrashing.
Gen Z will be watching the footage in a 691 part series layered over footage of some idiot playing Subway Surfer.
As new tornadoes ravage Georgia, President Biden has approved disaster relief spending for Mississippi.
The All Lives Matter crowd are currently asking for relief checks as well, in Montana.
Americans thought child labor was a travesty, that myth has been shattered.
Turns out, child labor is awesome, says USA Today.
Grimes explains the meaning of “Y” the name of her baby daughter with Elon Musk.
It’s the question she asks herself when she remembers that she named their last kid after the sound a dog makes when it sneezes in its sleep.
She’s forming a scatter plot, using her children as the axes.
It’s the 25th letter of the alphabet, to honor the child’s place as Elon’s 25th kid.
It’s the question she asks herself when she remembers she let this weirdo nut inside her at least twice.
Jonathan Majors has been called a sociopath and an abuser by former colleagues after his domestic violence arrest.
“That’s the last time I take Jared Leto’s acting advice!” Said Majors in a statement to the press.
Volume 8: June 21, 2023
Witnesses claim to have seen military fighter jets engaging with a UFO over Michigan. Apparently the craft refused to land on the basis that the aliens “Didn’t want to wind up in Detroit.”
Additional reports found similar crafts sitting on cinder blocks in a bad part of town.
A pitcher for the New York Mets was ejected from a game after being caught cheating. Apparently he was getting a blowjob from the catcher.
The Daily Express US poses an important ethical dilemma: Is it okay to body-shame a brutal authoritarian dictator?
Former president (and current fat-ass fuck) Donald Trump cannot answer one question: What is Obama’s last name?
Scientists have confirmed that psychedelics cause unexpected chemical reactions in the brain, and craaaazy colors on the walls and ceilings!
Peyton Manning is under fire for ordering his favorite beverage at the college world series.
“What do you mean you don’t have new coke?” said the former NFL quarterback.
Early Oppenheimer viewers are leaving the movie devastated.
It wouldn’t be the first time he completely devastated a crowd… In fact, it’s sort of his whole thing.
New search for actor Julian Sands on California mountain is unsuccessful.
Casting directors have stated that they’ll accept “A Julian Sands type.”
Tom Brady hid major holes during his time with the Buccaneers.
Apparently lots of air was deflating out of them.
Wealthy elites who paid for the full “Titanic experience” got more than they bargained for when their submersible watercraft disappeared at sea.
Hollywood sequels are really getting out of hand. And production values have seriously dropped since the writers strike began!
But at least James Cameron can bust in his drawers over the opportunity to produce Titanic 2: 2 Tit 2 Tanic.
Volume 9: July 20, 2023
Woman suing Texas over abortion ban refuses to carry her lunch to its full term.
Justice Kavanaugh has been skewered as a “lightweight” in brutal analysis.
“Jokes on you” Kavanaugh said in a rebuttal, “Could a lightweight have had six whiskey sours in the last 20 minutes? Didn’t think so.”
President Biden sparks concerns after reciting his favorite Playboi Carti lyrics during meeting with Israeli President Isaac Herzog.
Leaked emails allege Texas Border Patrol agents were instructed to push migrants into the Rio Grande, even though that prank hasn’t been funny since 1993!
Russian mercenary boss Yevgeny Prigozhin claims Putin’s front is a disgrace.
The military strategist later added “And don’t even get me started on his rear!”
Truckers, UPS workers, and American Airlines employees all appear to be mobilizing with plans to strike this week, just as SAG-AFTRA announced a strike of their own.
“You just can’t write this stuff!” Says local WGA rep.
McDonald’s has announced a major menu change due to looming threats of a McNuggets strike.
More than 1 million Americans are apparently missing.
But are we sure we haven’t checked Ohio?
‘Money Talks News’ has published their list of 11 expenses to cut now if you want to retire early.
The list includes things like avocado toast, Starbucks coffees, and submersible trips to see the Titanic.
Slain man’s murderers claim to be hot on their own trail, and only 26 years too late!
Volume 10: November 23, 2023
MovieMaker is here with some hard-hitting reporting regarding 7 horror remakes nobody really needed.
Claiming the top spot: A genocide at the Gaza Strip!
Biden believes a deal is close to freeing hostages in Gaza.
Unfortunately he also believes his hair’s not thinning, gas is 12 cents a gallon, and it’s still 1959.
George Foreman has revealed his extensive car collection for your viewing pleasure.
And if you think the headlights look good, you need to check out the grilles!
Virginia restaurant which famously kicked out Sarah Huckabee Sanders in 2018 has officially closed its doors.
Turns out she was eating for 10.
A shocking listicle reveals 12 things atheists think happen when you die.
Number 1 is rigor mortis, number 2 is in your pants.
Vladimir Putin has been forced to make a humiliating retreat after taking heavy losses in Ukraine. Or, as Putin calls it: Wednesday.
Man with a 0-day work week suggests 3-day work week.
Bill Gates applauds the possibility of a 3-day work week, where human beings can rest, and robots can do all the hard work of molesting children on Epstein’s island for him.
Ron DeSantis says nominating Trump in 2024 is high risk and low reward.
Sort of like living in a mosquito-infested swamp full of racist baby boomers just to enjoy the beach and some sunlight.
The Fish and Wildlife Service have plans to remove the Apache trout from the threatened species list.
This news comes after the trout allegedly identified information which could lead to the arrest of Hillary Clinton.
Legal expert maps out realistic ways Trump can stop all his trials.
I’ve got one expert method in mind as well, and it involves the second amendment.
Ann Coulter skewers ‘illiterate’ Greg Abbott, in a shocking reminder that even a stopped clock can be a stuck-up cunt twice a day.
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