Day 11: Reasons to stay alive

1. Don’t want to inflict the pain of a dead kid on my parents’ souls, they’ve been through enough of heartbreak
2. I want the burden of smth not done, not finished, off my chest. Cause I’m not done, I’m not finished
3. I gotta finish my multiple books and write and publish new ones
4. I want to see as many beautiful places around the world as possible, with someone I love, hopefully
5. I want to succeed in everything I put my mind to and make something of myself
6. I want to make my parents proud
7. All those things seem strangely superficial. I’m not a scientist or someone who will help save the world. On the other hand, we can’t all be that. I just want to make a difference with my books and my just being alive.
8. I want my parents to be happy and go skiing with them sometime again.
9. My cynical, frozen, multiple times broken and stubborn heart wants to feel, wants to love again and experience the feeling of being loved. I hope it’s still possible. I really do.

The idea to write these “reasons…” is coming from the book “Reasons to stay alive” by Matt Haig which helped me a lot in a big away. It’s mostly about depression and Matt’s way out of it. And me, dealing with it the whole time on and off, I didn’t even realize that it was a mental illness. I blamed myself for being lazy, stupid, not good enough and lots of other awful things. In the end, I was suicidal and down and stress eating my way into this life that wasn’t mine.

Some things has changed since then, some hasn’t. I’m still figuring out how to deal with myself, how to be happy and how to live in this world full of pain and misery. But the book, this book, gave me that light in the end of the tunnel, the light I could not have possibly seen.

And last, but not least “reason..” is

10. Be happy again

at some point, I hope it’ll happen again for me, maybe with the new (very nice, good-smelling) piece of literature; maybe with that fluttery feeling in my stomach when I see and fall in love with a new city and a new possibility; maybe with a real person, happy and safe; or maybe with smth completely different and new and surprising.

Who knows, right? ❤

…

Previously

1–2–3–4–5–6–7–8–9–10–