Confessions of a Swinger Husband, Part IV: What’s Our Secret Sauce?
It has only a few ingredients. Here, I’ll tell you the recipe.
Continued from Part III
Not long ago, Lauren and I were in our mid-30s and new to the swinger lifestyle. Or so it seems. Now, 15 years later, we’re finding that younger couples in the lifestyle, many of them Millennials, want our advice on how to have a marriage like we do.
(By the way, something we’ve observed: Millennial swingers seem to have a thing for fucking hot Gen X couples like us, which we like.)
We always try to be honest and tell younger couples about not just the peaks but also the valleys we’ve experienced together in the lifestyle. We tell them — and we mean it — that it’s virtually impossible for a couple to be in the lifestyle and for at least one spouse, whether they have a cock or a pussy, not to fuck up at some point because they lost their good judgment amid fleeting temptation and pleasure. Our advice when that happens — and it will happen: Be honest with your spouse. Own it. Learn from it. Stay together. Never let it happen again.
If we have a “secret sauce,” here’s the recipe that’s worked so well for us over the 26 years we’ve been a non-monogamous couple:
Ingredient 1: Willingness to sexually adapt
When Lauren and I met in 1997, never could I, let alone we, have imagined what our future would bring — a bisexual wife, wildly sexual polyamorous relationships with other women, the ever-exciting swinger lifestyle, and BDSM of the “yes, daddy, pound me like a bitch” variety. Turns out Lauren could after all be the devoted wife and mother she dreamt of being, while still living authentically as a bisexual woman and super-kinky bitch.
We’ve adapted, been open to change and found that we enjoy our nontraditional lifestyle and its many naughty pleasures. To date, the lifestyle has given Lauren 500+ sex partners and just shy of 300 to me. What’s not to like about that?
By the way, will she get to 1,000 sex partners? “I doubt it,” she says. Will I get to 500? Fuck, yeah.
Ingredient 2: We’re still in the game because we take care of ourselves and the lifestyle makes us happy
Lauren is now 49 and I’m 50. Although the years are starting to show on both of us — and we have at times wondered if we should “retire” from swinging — we’re still going strong in large part because we are very fit, eat a mostly plant-based diet and love the lifestyle. The lifestyle makes us happy because we love fucking other couples, and we’re still able to keep up with it. Happiness keeps us “young.”
It doesn’t hurt that Lauren is still incredibly hot and turns lots of heads, especially now that she got her C cups augmented to D cups. Her hotness still opens a lot of doors for us as a couple. Just a few weeks ago, a 30 year-old husband, who was (is) obsessed with her tits, fucked Lauren while I pounded his 29-year-old wife. And then, later that night, we fucked another couple we met. Also recently, a husband in his late-30s ate Lauren’s pussy while his wife blew me. Then we all fucked in our private room. On another occasion, a husband she found cute liked her DSLs (dick-sucking lips) and she blew him while I fucked his wife. It’s fun to meet couples we like and fuck them. Happens all the time at our clubs. That’s why swingers clubs are so awesome.
We love the lifestyle, and it loves us.
All that said, neither of us wants to be the wrinkly, old, over-tanned, once-kind-of-hot swinger trying desperately to hang on and get laid. We know has-beens, including a couple we used to hook up with a lot about ten years ago. They’re all great people…but they’ve hung on too long. Lauren and I are still in our primes, but we know our club days are numbered. We’re going to enjoy it while it lasts!
Ingredient 3: Sex is uber-important but we don’t take it too seriously
We have a saying that goes, “sex is way too important to be taken seriously.” Let me explain. We believe good sex is fundamental and important to a happy, healthy marriage. For that to happen, both partners must be honest about their sexual needs and desires and find ways to satisfy them together. Otherwise, they run the risk of infidelity. So, if you asked Lauren and me the key ingredient of our “secret sauce,” it’s good sex.
The quote above also suggests sex shouldn’t be taken “too seriously,” meaning don’t take yourself too seriously. Our approach to sex is for it to be fun, playful, enjoyable, adventurous, fulfilling and kinky. Seriousness and really good sex don’t mix. We laugh all the time with our lifestyle friends. Yeah, we’re all fucking each other — banging each other’s spouses, too — but without laughter it’s no fun. Laughter is sexy, and it’s what makes other couples we play with more than sex partners; it also makes them friends we love and care about.
Not taking sex too seriously also means we can be open about our kinky desires and needs, which I have to credit Lauren for instilling in me from almost day one, when I could see she was an extremely sexual woman who knew what she wanted and had the courage to express it to me. We try lots of things — many we enjoy, some we don’t. We swing pretty hard, too, but our approach to the lifestyle is to just enjoy its many pleasures so long as we’re following our agreed-upon rules. We also have Piper as our girlfriend, and we’ve been with her for over four years in large part because her view on sex is similar to ours. We go with the sexual flow, laugh a lot and have fun.
For a time, I couldn’t figure out where Lauren’s wild sex drive came from. Some of it, I reasoned, connected back to her European upbringing and values. Yet her parents initially struck me as quite reserved. Well, interestingly, Lauren’s sister is also quite sexual (yes, they trade notes) and enjoys her husband “taking control,” though not quite to the extent that Lauren wants to be “dominated.” Her sister also revealed to Lauren that she thinks their mom is similar. She once discovered in her parents’ bedroom a treasure-trove of kinky sex toys, including whips and hand restraints (never mind the fact that she shouldn’t have been snooping). So, maybe high sex drive runs in the family?
Ingredient 4: Quantity matters
We have sex every day, and it’s not uncommon for us to have sex multiple times per day. We have found that daily sex keeps the fire burning hot and keeps relationship demons that affect so many couples at bay. Like a lot of couples, we are very busy. That’s why we have lots of quickies. Sex is good for all of us. Have sex frequently!
Ingredient 5: Guardrails
Finally, we have rules of engagement. In this lifestyle, it is virtually impossible not to at times let sexual excitement and pleasure overtake your better judgment. You will have a sex partner now and then who might tempt you not because of anything they’ve done but because there’s a natural chemistry that can lead you down a dangerous road if you’re not self-aware. Know who those people are. For me, Emma is one of them.
Lauren and I have learned to be radically honest with each other when that happens, to forgive and to move forward. For instance, Lauren knows I’ve struggled at times with feelings for Emma— she and I click. That Lauren knows makes all the difference. She’s experienced the same with a few guys over the years.
Admittedly, as already mentioned, a few of our rules over the years fell by the wayside — no kissing, no anal, and limitations on gangbangs all got obliterated, mostly because we found them to be stupid rules — but our overall rules continue to guide us.
We continue to work on this! Recently, we started hooking up with Katie and Dan, who are a lot of fun and wonderful people. For some reason, our ironclad rule of no creampies, which we always followed, went to hell with them. We broke that rule, and we’re still breaking it with Katie and Dan. We’ve been talking a lot about it, and we’re likely going to reset things with Katie and Dan.
Our rules help us avoid pitfalls and, if needed, self-correct.
Ingredient 6 — and most important of all: Love
Ultimately, Lauren and I are deeply in love. We are best friends. We are primary sex partners. We are parents of a child we created together. We would, if we needed to, walk away from the lifestyle. What matters to us most is us. Love has been, and will continue to be, the most key ingredient.
The net result? All these years later, our marriage is getting better and better even as we’ve welcomed women into our bed, fully enjoyed the swinger lifestyle, explored kink and fetishes, racked up insane body counts, and worked through some adversity. Our sex isn’t just as good as it was in 1997 when we met; it’s better. Amid all the lovers we share and the occasional fog we experience from the lifestyle’s sexual excitement and overwhelm, ultimately what matters is Lauren and me as a couple devoted to each other — as a husband and wife, as a mom and dad.
Continue to Part V
