DailyME 18: Everything changes all the time

But the photo is still there, it is still at the same place it has been for months

NATALIIA TOTKA

Published in

100 Naked Words

5 min readNov 6, 2017

I’m blocking my feelings to him, because I can’t spend days, weeks and months crying over a guy who didn’t want me.

I choose work, writing, spending time with friends, taking burgers from guys (a mate from work who really likes me brough me a burger after work today and that is after all the sweet things he has done for me), reading, studying, burrying myself in life, supposedly mine.

A life I’ve always wanted.

I have the job I wanted.

I have the ability and time (more or less) to write and read and study and learn things.

But then I was on the phone with my mom arguing about my upcoming trip home (11 November — YAY!!! Kiev airport and then quite long and joyful ride home) and I looked at our photo (I do that more than once per day, because it is just there, gawking at me) and I realized that however I try not to feel whatever I felt when he left, I do miss him. Of course, I miss him.

He was the one, he was the one in my head. How the heck do you get back from there? The intuition that is never wrong whispered that he was the one, he felt like the one and only. I didn’t want to admit it for a long time, but he was.

And now all I have is the feeling he left after him: I am not worth a fight.

Not for him anyway.

And there is a guy near me who fights for me, who waits for me, who does all kind of things to show me how much he wants to be with me.

I let myself feel something for him for a minute, but it isn’t real, it’s fleeting. It’s me liking that he likes me.

I told him I couldn’t be with him because it wouldn’t be fair.

It wouldn’t be fair because…Christian is still in my system.

And go hook up with someone new isn’t what I do.

Besides, the next man in my life, will be the last.

I won’t waste my time on men like Christian, who want me, but not really and they’re busy with their jobs and blah blah

I have enough with excuses and with all that rant

I won’t waste my time on men like my ex, Tez, who was great at the beginning, but then again his main priority was work and he unnecessarily hurt me more than I’d like to admit and he dragged my heart from Switzerland to Ukraine and back to Switzerland and Germany.

The next man I kiss will be the one.

The next man will be everything I ever wanted and by that time I will be ready.

Because after all that happened I deserve a freaking fairy-tale.

I deserve the best.

And I will get exactly that.

***

I had a glimspe of insanity today when I wanted to text Christian that I miss him.

But then I remember how he treated me in the end, I remembered how I told my mom “I’d rather eat dirt than ever talk to him”

And I am not very keen on eating dirt these days

***

Everything changes all the time.

I had a great time with a man last summer in Switzerland. I felt so much. It lasted two months and then I had to go back home. We had a long-distance relationship for 7 months and it was a horrible horrible time. I came back to him in March 2017 and we broke up on the 12th of April. Because I wanted to for a long time and because I knew he wasn’t right for almost all those 7 months at home.

I started chatting with this cute guy on whatsapp. Occasional messages and flirts via text and on the 2nd of July we went on a date.

It started weirdly, I barely understood what he was saying. But then a couple of hours later he stared into my eyes and leaned in for a kiss. I obliged.

And since then my world hasn’t been the same.

I barely keep in the tears right now.

Let’s say after all the mistreatment I got from ex, he compensated. In exactly the right places. He fit perfectly. But there were still parts that bothered me, just a little, but they did bother me.

And that isn’t even a reason why I find myself back here, writing to you all, my faithfull tribe ♥, it is just another mistake, another misinterpretation of mine, another failure and another disaster.

If I let myself, I could have another love story begin and end before Christimas comes lol

But I can’t let myself do it.

“I don’t want to be with anyone else in a thousand years”

And it’s been only a month.

Even though things change rapidly, I don’t believe THAT has changed.

Of course, we are not together and there’s nothing I can do about it, but you don’t go from that testimonial to dating someone else in a month.

I remember what I felt and the moment I said it and I wish I had no feelings, I wish I had no tears in me, I wish I never knew his name and never knew he existed not so far from me, in a fairy country called Switzerland.

But I also wait for the time when I can move on and forget he ever existed, forget he hurt me more than I thought was possible.

***

Thank you for reading ♥