Riverdale: Communism, Drowned Kittens, and Bad ‘Ships, Oh My
Season 2, Episode 9
Greetings, folks, and welcome to The Queue’s official coverage of Riverdale season two. The ninth episode of season two (the mid-season winter finale) had the end of the Black Hood and the beginning of Barchie (ugh, gag me with a spoon), so let’s dive in.
If you’re still catching up on what this is and who I am and what Riverdale is, I suggest this post, this post, and this post.
And here are my other recaps thus far: Episode 1, Episode 2, Episode 3, Episode 4, Episode 5, Episode 6, Episode 7, Episode 8.
And obviously, spoilers follow, so don’t read ahead if you hate knowing shit.
Episode Overview in Haiku Form
Y’all know I dig a haiku:
Folks, I’m so damn beat,
There’s another mystery,
Kevin’s still line-less.
The 5X5
This section breaks down the top five things you need to know from this episode:
- Well, we know who the Black Hood is. I called it a few weeks ago. And Betty got a freaking FINGER in the mail. A HUMAN FINGER. This is some real Law & Order: SVU shit.
- Meanwhile, Jughead CARVED PENNY PEABODY’S SERPENT TATTOO OUT OF HER ARM. Oh, and him and his dad fought. Blah, blah, blah, “you shouldn’t have joined this gang,” blah, blah, blah. The usual.
- Betty and Archie kissed. God, this is insufferable.
- The Lodge family continues to be a bad impersonation of the Madoff crew.
- Kevin Keller had a Secret Santa shindig. It lasted for literally a minute and a half. Again I say, poor Kevin.
Camila Mendes Eyebrows Update
Veronica finally got those damn secrets from her awful AF parents with her brows furrowed the entire time. We already know there’ll be a big ~reveal~ when the show comes back in January.
The Most Interesting Thing Archie Did in This Episode
Well, Archie getting buried alive in a fucking coffin and then chasing a goddamn serial killer down the street while waving a gun was definitely not boring. To be honest, Archie was pretty okay in this episode.
Artsy White Fuckboy Jughead Line of the Week
To be honest, Jughead didn’t really have too much fuckboy stuff this week. He was too busy gouging the flesh out of a drug queenpin’s arm to say anything too pithy. Last week’s “carnal defiance” line definitely held us over for two weeks anyway.
Pretentious Film Observation of the Week
I took exactly one film class in college during my freshman year and I’m trying to pretend I learned things from it that I still remember.
A couple weeks ago during episode six, I mentioned that this show was going to have a smaller-scale problem similar to The Mentalist, where the person at the center of the show’s central controversy (in this case, the Black Hood) was going to be far less interesting than the myth and hysteria the show created around that figure.
I’m going to give myself a small pat on the back and say I was right on with this assessment. We didn’t meet Mr. Svenson until halfway through episode seven, so we didn’t really care about him, and I wasn’t the only one who assumed he was the Black Hood. We know whoever was posing as the Black Hood wasn’t in fact the actor who played Mr. Svenson, so that’s boring. And watching the writers try to explain away how he knew so much (“He could’ve seen me and Ms. Grundy in the music room. He could’ve seen Midge and Moose buying jingle jangle,” Archie concludes at Pop’s) was equally underwhelming.
Moreover, the show, as Jughead noted, wrapped the mystery up in a neat bow, saying that Mr. Svenson tried to cleanse the town of sinners because he himself had accused an innocent man of killing his family and had gotten that person murdered. Thanks for the armchair psychology, Betty. We still don’t know who actually killed Svenson’s family or who the guy was that the group of men murdered, so this all seems like a heaping pile of marshmallow fluff.
The Jason Blossom murder mystery still stands as the better one of the two “cases” the group has solved. This one dragged on for nine episodes too long.
My other question: Judging by the final scenes of the episode, are we going to get two murder mysteries every half season? I don’t know how I feel about it. I’m here for the potential white collar crime stuff coming by way of the Lodge family, though.
Analysis ’n’ Stuff
This is the section where I give my random thoughts and track a few things throughout the series.
Ugh, the Barchie Kiss
And Cheryl saw them from a window. I’m already very over this pairing.
What the Hell Is Up With the Weather on This Show?
We’ve got snow and then green leaves on every tree in the town? I can’t, ya’ll.
I Don’t Get Cheryl
Perhaps the character that’s been most disappointing this season in terms of development is Cheryl Blossom, whom I called the most promising character during my pre-season write-up. One second Cheryl’s helpless and relegated to a barely-supporting role, and the next she’s threatening her mother and setting her on fire. And that doesn’t even include the very strangely plotted queer storyline writers are trying to create for Cheryl. (This also makes, what, the third or fourth poorly crafted LGBTQ storyline on this show?)
On different Cheryl note, though, I will say that her grandma Nana Rose Blossom had the best and most #rekt line of this episode: “You should’ve drowned her at birth like a basket of kittens.” DAMN, NANA.
Jeez, Give Bughead a New Conflict Already
As I’ve previously established, I like the Lili Reinhart/Cole Sprouse pairing as Betty and Jughead. What I don’t like, however, is that they literally have the same argument in every episode and have since midway through the first season.
It goes almost verbatim like this:
Jughead: Betty, stop trying to hang out with me and the Serpents! I’m trying to protect you!
Betty: It’s my decision what I do!
I’m not even exaggerating. This is the exact fight they have every time. Can we get some new conflict here? (Just leave Toni Topaz out of it. She’s flawless.)
Kevin Got a Storyline…For 90 Seconds
Ah, gotta love that Secret Santa event where Kevin got exactly two lines. We’re halfway through the season and the dude’s spoken for a total of two minutes despite being a series regular.
They also let Kevin sing at the end of the episode, but okay.
Riverdale Writers, Stop Trying to Make These Tertiary Characters Happen
For absolutely no reason, randos Moose and Midge made an appearance at Riverdale High to interrupt Kevin’s incredibly irrelevant Secret Santa extravaganza. I didn’t understand that scene at all.
Marx Would Be Pleased
When Veronica mentions to her parents that they’re spending money on things like bejeweled eggs when people can’t even pay their own medical bills, Hermione continues to be The Worst by responding, “Since when are you a communist?”
So y’all are telling me this show can throw in references to socio-political and economic theories but can’t stop flubbing how it handles race and queer plot points? Sigh.
The Next Twist
So, Betty “Nancy Drew” Cooper has solved another mystery, and we’re already getting hints that “Dark Betty” (a name/persona I don’t really like) will make more visits during the back half of this season.
We also got our next mystery for the Scooby gang to solve: In the final moments of this episode, someone was taking photos of Archie and Veronica kissing. Since Archie’s fam has already been at the center of trouble in Riverdale (and Veronica’s evil parents just let her in on their dark secrets), I’m going to make the educated guess that our beloved Ronnie is at the forefront of this latest controversy.
Right Out of Canadian Television
Well, we knew this plot point was coming because it was literally a storyline on Degrassi: Southside High is shutting down, and that means the Serpents and the rich assholes of Riverdale High will have to attend the same high school. Oh-em-gee, will they be able to coexist?
