What’s the Difference Between Aggressive Sex and Dom/Sub?
Many people conflate dom/sub and aggressive sex. They are very different, and here I explain how and why.
I got an EXCELLENT question from a reader that I’m stoked to answer. The question:
I just discovered your writings and love them! You and Lauren sound like such a sexy, healthy couple. My husband and I are newlyweds and we’re still figuring each other out sexually. We had sex before we got married but, now that we’ve tied the knot, we’re kind of searching for ways to ensure our sex life is exciting, happy and full of adventure for decades to come. He knows I’ve always enjoyed hard, deep sex and he’s good at that but what I really want (I think) is to be dominated now and then.
I’ve never been dominated but I like the idea of it, and I think I kind of understand it from some of your posts about spanking, whips, calling you her daddy, etc. Help me understand the difference between hard sex and domination so I bring my husband along. Any other tips, too. Thank you!
In messaging with Kelli a bit more, I learned that she and her husband are in their late-20s and have no children yet but plan to conceive in the next year or two. Both she and her husband have graduate degrees, which doesn’t surprise me because a lot of people who are wild as fuck in bed are also highly educated.
Meantime, she “hungers for” an exciting sex life allowing her to explore her naughtiest desires, including BDSM. Kelli also shared with me that her husband has never so much as spanked her, and she’s worried he may not want to engage in dom/sub.
Without further delay, let’s help Kelli!
Lauren has no idea where her dom/sub fetish came from. The same is probably true of other women like her and Kelli.
From 27 years together, one thing I’ve learned about Lauren is that her desire to be sexually dominated is no different from other fetishes we as humans ALL have. In most cases, we didn’t decide to have a certain fetish; it just kind of happened and we’re left with a burning desire to act on it. That is to say, Lauren says she has no idea where her dom/sub fetish came from or why she finds it so sexually gratifying to be dominated. “It fulfills a need deep within me,” she says, winking at the pun.
It sounds like Kelli, too, has an innate desire to be dominated. With such innate desires, if they are not explored and met, the person can become sexually frustrated, and then the risk of infidelity increases.
This is where I must offer the following disclaimer:
Many sexual fetishes are completely healthy and fun for couples to engage in consensually. Dom/sub is one such example. Earlier in our marriage, we also went through a mild exhibitionism fetish, which kind of set the table for our entry into swinging.
But there are other fetishes that are not so healthy and should never be acted on. These types of fetishes may require therapy to treat because, if acted on, they could break laws and traumatize others. Fortunately, neither Lauren nor I have any of those kinds of fetishes. If you do, please seek help.
First, let’s clarify a common misconception. Aggressive sex is not the same thing as dom/sub.
In the realm of sexual domination, Lauren and I approach it as dominant/submissive, or dom/sub. She is sexually submissive to me and I’m in the dominant role.
As her dominator, Lauren calls me “daddy.” Occasionally she calls me “sir,” but she much prefers “daddy.” Note that “daddy” in the sexual sense has zero to do with her real father, with whom she has a wonderful relationship. As submissive to me, she’s “my little bitch,” or perhaps I call her “whore,” “slut,” “tramp,” “fuck toy,” etc. If those terms offend you, consider that Lauren wants me to use them. If I had a nickel for every time she’s told me to “do me like your fuck toy” and “fuck me like your little bitch, daddy,” I’d be a rich man.
Note that our overall marriage is not dom/sub. If anything, as my wife and the mother of our child, Lauren typically has the ultimate say in most family matters. In our daily interactions, we call each other darling, baby, honey and of course by our first names. We are affectionate. We adore each other. And we are deeply in love. But in bed, where I’m “daddy” and she’s “my little bitch,” it’s a different story altogether: She wants me to dominate her.
Lauren doesn’t want to be outright dominated every time we have sex. We make love a good bit, but in general there is for sure a dominant flare to our sex mostly because she prefers (as do I!) intercourse in doggy-style, a position that by its very nature is submissive for the receiver. We tend to default to doggy-style when we have sex, and typically it’s the position we’re in 80–90% of the time we fuck. And almost every time we fuck, it’s very hard and deep, and there are skin-slapping sounds, whimpers and moans. Lauren is not a woman who wants to be fucked gently.
So, even if all we’re doing is fucking, it’s usually in doggy-style, allowing for the deep, hard penetration that Lauren enjoys, that allows her to masturbate her clitoris with her fingers or one of her vibrators, and that makes her feel submissive to me.
A lot of the time, though, Lauren wants more than just hard, deep intercourse. She wants me to dominate her, which is a very different thing than aggressive sex. Dominating her involves consensual sex acts that could make some people uncomfortable. What are those sex acts? Warning: some non-con themes below.
What does dom/sub really entail
How dom/sub plays out in our bedroom comes down to Lauren’s mood and sometimes my mood. I am not by my nature sexually dominant, but I’ve learned to be because I’m married to a sexually submissive woman who’s a kinky bitch, and it’s a lot of fun to engage in it with such a beautiful woman!
Mild dom/sub
If she’s seeking some mild domination, then usually skin-slapping doggy-style sex (face-down, ass-up variety) with light spanking and naughty talk complete with some “whose little bitch are you?” and “I’m your little bitch, daddy” will do. Definitely use of an anal plug, too. Mild domination describes the way we have sex most of the time — probably 60%.
Moderate dom/sub
If she’s in the mood for moderate domination, then usually it’s skin-slapping doggy-style sex with hard spanks, naughty talk (little bitch, slut, whore, fuck toy, daddy) and anal penetration with my thumb.
The spanking is a lot harder (leaving red marks), and I’m ramming the shit out of her with my cock while maybe gently pulling on her hair and carefully holding her down by the back of her neck. This kind of domination describes the way we have sex more than occasionally — probably 30% of the time.
Hardcore dom/sub
If she’s in the mood for hardcore domination — or if I am — this is when I head to our master bedroom closet to get various BDSM toys we keep in our safe. This kind of domination is not for everyone. Usually, it involves Lauren wearing a leather choker and various leather straps and me ball-gagging her, but not before the slut’s begged me to throat-fuck her (she’s learned how to deepthroat without triggering her gag reflex; it really is an amazing thing).
A ball-gag is extremely hardcore — a bit demeaning by its nature — and the one we use has holes in it so Lauren can breathe. I sometimes struggle with the demeaning aspect of hardcore dom/sub, but it’s what Lauren deeply desires. She at times want me to use her.
Hardcore dom/sub also involves our whip, which I use on her ass while also mixing in some hard spanking (hard as defined by red marks left on her ass cheeks). It also invariably involves cuffing her hands behind her back (we use cuffs that she can easily break if needed) while I pound her pussy with my cock. I’m definitely holding her down by the back of her neck and calling her little bitch, slut, whore and other names while she calls me daddy and begs me to not let up. This variety often also involves double penetration, well-lubed anal sex, and general “using” of her three orifices as I please.
This is extremely hardcore stuff, and after all these years I’ve never quite gotten used to the fact that my beautiful, graceful, highly educated wife, the loving mother of our child and a friend to many, desires to be treated this way and enjoys this kind of stuff— but she does. She has no idea why she desires to be used, whipped, spanked, throat-fucked, ball-gagged and cum-dumpstered, but she does.
We engage in hardcore dom/sub about 5–10% of the time.
In summary, a lot of women love hard, deep sex. Some desire to be dominated. But few would go to the hardcore lengths described above. Not even most of our swinger friends know we go to these lengths, but our polyamorous girlfriend, Piper, does. For her part, Piper enjoys mild and moderate domination — and she loves to be my “little bitch” — but not hardcore.
If you want to explore dom/sub, our advice is to go into it gradually. Start with hard fucking. Introduce spanking (tell your husband you want him to spank you). Get a choker for added effect. Gradual is the key.
I hope that info is help!
