Reader Question: How Do You Experiment with Non-Consensual and BDSM Fantasies and Not Cross Lines?
Non-con fantasies are complicated and difficult to talk about and try but we’ll offer our perspective.
A reader sent Lauren and me an interesting question about non-consensual fantasies. Admittedly, it’s a very uncomfortable subject but one that Lauren and I have explored — and still explore — in the bedroom. We’re happy to share our perspective. The question:
Hi. I’m a 35y/o married woman and my husband and I have a toddler. We’re both highly educated and professionals. So this is really kind of uncomfortable to admit but I have non-consensual fantasies and have not shared them with my husband. I’m not sure why I have them but I do. I dated a few guys before my husband who gave me rough sex, which I liked — but never anything like what I want now with being restrained, dominated, held down, etc. Looks like you and Lauren have experimented with such fantasies in the bedroom and I’m wondering if you have any tips or advice on how I could approach this with my husband. I really worry what he’ll think — these fantasies are hard to put words to! — but I don’t think I can go any longer without experimenting! Thank you!
First, I should say I’m a survivor of childhood sexual trauma and the topic of non-consensual sex hits home with me since that’s what happened to me when I was a child. No means no, and sex should always be among consenting adults. I live everyday with the trauma of what happened to me. Now, to address your question:
Fantasies about non-consensual (non-con) sex are surprisingly common. According to this study, 62% of women in a survey had a non-con fantasy, and the median frequency for those who did was about 4 per year. Some of these women, like Lauren, enjoy playing out their non-con fantasies with a trusted partner. “Fuck me, daddy,” which Lauren has been saying to me for literally 26 years, is all part of her non-con and dom/sub fantasies.
For Lauren, the term “daddy,” when used in a sexual context, has nothing to do with her father and everything to do with being dominated.
Lauren and I have explored dom/sub quite a bit over the years. At first, I didn’t quite know how to respond to or meet her desire to be dominated, especially when she first called me “daddy” (we had just started dating), but it all got quite fun once I learned to embrace her BDSM fantasies. She is a kinky bitch!
What I learned early on from Lauren’s dom/sub fantasies — call them non-con if you wish — is that they’re not just about hard, deep sex. Yeah, hard, deep sex is absolutely part of it. What it’s also about is rough sex where she wants to be absolutely dominated, restrained, objectified, sexualized, used and generally manhandled. Handcuffs, a ball gag, whips, spanking, throat-fucking, hair-pulling, anal sex, neck-holding, making Lauren squirt, the occasional golden shower and ejaculating on her face all typically have a role in what Lauren enjoys if we’re acting on her dom/sub fantasies.
All that said, a few years ago when we got into posting extremely kinky, fetishy sex tapes to our own fans channel (which we’ve since deactivated), we took things with her dom/sub fantasies way to far and ventured into simulating something very dark. She wanted to take things farther than we had before, and we did. I’ll leave it at that. By the way, Lauren said it was the kinkiest sex we’ve ever had — she liked it.
I don’t know what all you and your husband may already do in the way of BDSM and dom/sub. Assuming nothing, Lauren and I both suggest you start with baby steps. Here are a few tips for what that could look like over time. By the way, these are numbered to suggest how you might progress. Don’t try these all at once!
- Tell him you desire for him to dominate you and describe examples of that to him. Ask him what he’s comfortable doing and not comfortable doing and talk about it. Create some “rules” you both agree on, and then give a few dom/sub acts a try. Communicate as you’re going to make sure you’re both on the same page and comfortable with what’s happening.
- Doggy-style, especially the face-down, ass-up variation, is in our view the single best position for dom/sub. It allows hard, deep and rough sex and lots of fun add-ons (keep reading to learn about doggy-style add-ons). We also use doggy-style for anal sex, which can be a very dominant sex act. No other sex position quite gets to dom/sub dynamics the way doggy-style does.
- Ask your husband to spank you during foreplay and also during doggy-style sex. Also ask if he’ll (gently) pull your hair and safely hold you down by your neck.
- Is your husband okay with being called “daddy,” “master” or “sir”? If so, use those names during aggressive sex. Also, is he comfortable calling you names like “slut,” “whore,” “bitch,” “cumslut,” “cum dumpster,” “fuck toy,” etc.? Once you’re his “bitch/slut/fuck toy” and he’s your “daddy/master/sir,” that all sets up a dom/sub dynamic that is fun to explore.
- Dress the part. Lauren loves to wear various harnesses, collars/chokers, garter belts, etc. Also, I occasionally use a marker to write something naughty on her midsection or ass, like “slut.” She loves it when I write slut or whore on her.
- Incorporate BDSM toys. Whips, anal plugs, handcuffs, dildos, ropes and various clothing items are mainstays of ours. We also have a ball gag, which Lauren enjoys wearing during very rough sex. A ball gag is extremely fetishy and may not be for all couples.
- Try anal sex.
I asked Lauren a few questions about her dom/sub desires and am happy to share her responses. Note that this is supposed to be a fun Q&A, which explains the bluntness and playfulness in some of her responses.
Me: When do you remember first having a desire for dom/sub sex?
Lauren: In my early 20s, right around when we met. But I didn’t act on it until you.
Me: Can deep, hard sex be too rough for you?
Lauren: So long as I’m not getting injured, no. I like it as deep and hard as you can give it.
Me: Do you like for me to ask if you’re okay with something I’m doing to you?
Lauren: No! Dominate me! Have your way with me. I’ll let you know if I don’t like something you’re doing. Otherwise, keep going! Continually asking a woman if they’re okay with X or Y is really unsexy. Just got with it and she’ll tell you if she’s not on the sane page.
Me: Over the years, I’ve called you everything from my slut and bitch to my own little fuck toy and cum dumpster. Have I ever called you a name during rough sex that offended you?
Lauren: Never. I like them all, daddy :-). Now, if you called me a cunt, for example, I wouldn’t be okay with that. Otherwise, it’s all sexy to me.
Me: What’s wearing the ball gag like?
Lauren: It has holes in it, which allow me to breathe. Otherwise, when it’s in, I feel completely submissive to you. You own me. I love it. But it’s not for everyone.
Me: And yet you’re a feminist?
Lauren: Yes. Being a feminist and wanting to be sexually dominated aren’t mutually exclusive. Being a feminist means I have sexual agency and the confidence to say what I want, which is for you to sexually dominate me when I’m in the mood for that.
Me: Is what you have a “rape fantasy”?
Lauren: No. I would never desire to be raped. What I have are fantasies about being sexually dominated. I’m glad we can explore them together.
Me: Where’s your line in terms of what you won’t do?
Lauren: The line is where something makes me, you or us uncomfortable. The video we shot a few years ago was fun for me but made you uncomfortable. I’ll admit it went to non-con fantasy extremes for sure. If someone who didn’t know us watched it, they may think something happened that really didn’t. It was intense. We’ve never again gone to that extreme and that’s okay.
Me: Do you enjoy sexual humiliation?
Lauren: That’s hard to answer because I’m not crazy about the word “humiliation.” The answer is, I occasionally enjoy being objectified and used by you.
Me: Examples of being objectified and used by me?
Lauren: Well, let me think…. If you ejaculate on my face and command that I rub it all over my face, that turns me on. If you say to me, “suck my dick, bitch,” I like that and will. If during sex you say, “shut up, bitch,” that turns me on. I also like it when you spank and whip me, pull my hair and hold me down. Make sense?
Me: Yeah, it does. Why do you like to call me daddy?
Lauren: It’s a term I like to use to establish you as dominant and me as your submissive fuck toy. How’s that?
Me: I like that you’re my fuck toy. Does throat-fucking ever hurt?
Lauren: Learning to deep-throat takes time and patience. Once that skill is mastered, it’s not too difficult to learn how to get throat-fucked and it actually be enjoyable. I like it when you do that to me. Makes me feel so submissive to you.
Me: You’re a kinky bitch.
Lauren: Yes, I am. Just admitting that is the most important part of exploring these fantasies. A lot of women have these fantasies and they keep them to themselves rather than open up about them.
Me: Best position for me to dominate you?
Lauren: Easy. Doggy-style. Hard, deep, spanking, hair-pulling, anal this and that, whatever you desire to make me your little bitch and fuck toy.
Me: I like that. So are you my little bitch?
Lauren: Always.
Me: Then tell our readers!
Lauren: Um, yeah, hi. So I’m his little bitch, his fuck toy, his slut, his sex slave and his cum dumpster and you’re not. How’s that?
Me: Perfect, baby! I mean bitch!
Good luck!
