Big Boys Don’t Cry

6 min readJun 20, 2016

June 20th

“When a man gives his opinion, he is a man. When a woman gives her opinion, she is a bitch.”

I was a mother for a short while.

I borrowed my nephew from my sister for about a year, and my world quickly re-arranged itself to revolve around him. To be honest, when my sister first told me she was having a boy, I almost cried in disappointment, because it had never occurred to me that that was even an option. Before he was born, when I thought of babies, I thought= little girls (Forgive me; we do not have a lot of boys in my family). I didn’t know what to expect, but honestly when I first clamped eyes on him it was love at first sight. Much like a scene out of twilight, I imprinted on that little boy and life was never the same.

He came to live with us shortly after he turned 2, for about a year, and he quickly latched on to me as his replacement mommy. I learned to speak his then unclear baby language, gauge his moods, and generally, and sometimes infuriatingly, we were inseparable.

I learned something very interesting about this little baby boy — He was just a baby, like any other baby. I know that may sound obvious to you, but had you asked me prior to this, I would have said boys were made of sawdust, toy cars, football and other testosterone laden activities. But that wasn’t true.

I watched him learn to be a boy.

He was a permanent fixture in my room. His brows would always crinkle in suspicion when I started making the movements that indicated that I was attempting go out — without him. He would cry when I wouldn’t allow him put on lipstick. He would remove his shoes and try to wear mine. He loved to cuddle. He cried.. a lot (I know he got that one from my sister dearest). He wanted me to come play outside with him, and push him on his bicycle. He loved to blow bubbles and play with the dogs. He loved Dora the Explorer. He loved cars. He loved puzzles. He loved Peppa pig. He was soft, he was rough, he was sweet, he was naughty; he was just a growing, learning, curious child.

But, I watched him learn to become a boy.

“Big boys don’t cry”

Shortly before he turned 3, as all children do, he became obsessed with being older. His number one priority was to be a “big boy” …probably so he wouldn’t have to shower at night, and could go to bed when he pleased. Anytime he would start to dissolve into a fit of tears, or throw a tantrum, there was always someone around the house to sternly warn him “Big boys don’t cry!” Try as I may to correct them, that was a solid mantra that started being repeated to him. Soon after he began proclaiming what was “for girls” and what was “for boys” “pink is for girls!”…. My little baby was disappearing, and at the age of 2, traits he was to learn as befitting of his gender, were already being drilled into him. Much later in life, I assume it will be such a part of his psyche that he would not even question why he didn’t think it was manly behavior to cry, or have a pink birthday cake with glitter on it.

He was “learning” how to be a “boy”.

That scared me. A lot.

See, we often don’t understand how so many things we have been taught are so ingrained in us, that we actually get offended when they are questioned. Gender behaviors are learned, not biological. There is no such thing as acting like a “man” or a “woman”. There is no scientific proof to the roles and behavioral traits assigned to men and women. In fact, it has been scientifically proven that men and women have the exact same brain function, but personality and behavior are strongly determined by gender roles and social context. Aside from our obvious differences, everything else is what has been constructed by society.

Contrary to popular belief, the reason feminism exists, is not only for women who have been marginalized and oppressed through out history, but men who also have been subliminally oppressed too. Females do not desire to become men, or to compete with them , we simply want the chance to exist on a level playing field.

Some traits have been assigned as “weak” and therefore more feminine, while some are decidedly “strong” and therefore more masculine. A man that is emotional is told to stop “acting like a woman”. A man who has a softer personality is often teased or bullied. “Oh he must be gay”. They are taught that it is not okay to express themselves. They must be hard and strong at all times. A woman who takes charge is a “bitch” or a “ball buster”, and my personal favorite “emasculating” (like you somehow remove a man’s ability to be a man by crushing his right to misogyny).

Last week a video went viral of a groom weeping at his wedding. It quickly became the butt of countless memes and jokes, because we are so conditioned to find it strange and hilarious for a man to cry on what may be the happiest and most emotional day of his life. Similarly, all over the media we witness the relentless bashing of Hillary Clinton, a woman who had the balls to contest for presidency of the “free world”. “Bitch” would not be the worst name she has been labelled.

To add to the frustration and misunderstanding, a few days ago, The Olori Of Ife gave a speech at the Emerging Womens forum in Washinton DC, where she spoke against gender equality and women “struggling for power with men” in which she advised women that they had their own roles to play. I decided not to comment on her speech because I simply didn’t really understand what she meant since she chose not to expand on what these roles were. It sounded to me like she had no idea what the fight for gender equality was really about.

It is clear that there is a lot of confusion on what gender equality stands for, and there is a lack of understanding that women are simply demanding their right to be treated fairly and equal to their male counterparts. This means that this is about both women’s AND men’s rights.

I want little boys and little girls to learn and be allowed to be who they are, because they found themselves, not because they are told there are certain things they should or should not aspire to, given their gender. “Feminine” traits aren’t a sign of weakness. “Manly” traits aren’t a sign of bitchiness.

I want my nephew to know that big boys DO cry.

They cry, they gossip, they fight, they are just as and sometimes even more emotional than women are.

Trust me.

Thank you for taking the time out to read what I have so lovingly shared. If you like what you read, please click the little green heart at the bottom of the screen :)