Reader Question: What to Do When Rumors of Your Swinging Are Swirling?
It’s almost every swinger’s worst nightmare but it’s not the end of the world!
I received a reader question that Lauren and I both discussed and will answer below. Here’s the question:
My husband and I are in our late-30s and have been swinging for four years, mostly swapping with other couples. Recently, we were discovered and now word is spreading in our neighborhood. One of the couples we have been involved with does live in our neighborhood, and we have an idea how our lifestyle leaked but we don’t think it’s because someone wanted to expose it — probably more by accident. Rumors about them [the other couple in the neighborhood] are also swirling. It is all so upsetting! Any advice?
In our puritanical society, radical sexual expression is frowned upon, which is bizarre to Lauren and me. Everyone has sexual desires and needs and those desires and needs are incredibly powerful and important. There is not a single well-adjusted married person out there who has not felt sexual desire for another. It is simply part of being human.
Don’t even get me started on how harshly society judges women who are “sluts.”
The swinging lifestyle, as you well know, is quite misunderstood. There are pervasive myths. Every couple we play with in our lifestyle is happily married, successful, well-adjusted, highly educated and devoted to their families. Most people simply cannot wrap their head around how a couple can be happily married and devoted to each other and their children and yet have sex with other couples. They don’t understand how a wife can be a soccer mom and also a whore. In many cases, they mistake swinging with open marriage. Even though deep down such a lifestyle may appeal to their sexual desires, they tell themselves it’s immoral, wrong, anathema to healthy marriage, irresponsible, etc.
It’s no surprise then that the vast majority of swingers operate in secrecy and have strict rules on privacy. The two clubs we’re members of now check all phones at the door and will do random searches if they suspect you have any kind of recording device. Seems over the top to you? Then you haven’t been in most clubs.
Society judges us harshly, despite the fascination with the lifestyle.
Societal judgment of polyamory, which Lauren and I also practice, and it sounds like you may, as well (from a separate message you sent me), is actually harsher. Lauren and our girlfriend, Piper, love each other. Piper and I love each other. But Lauren would tell you that the love she (Lauren) and I share reigns supreme and Piper knows that as well. Traditional society doesn’t understand at a fundamental level how a married couple can share a girlfriend who they love. If you try to explain it to someone, the confuse it with polygamy. No, Piper isn’t my wife or Lauren’s wife. She’s our girlfriend. A lot of people simply don’t understand these dynamics, so they just judge.
But I digress. Back to your situation.
Have you considered just not giving a fuck about what’s being said about you? I know that may be a lot to ask because you have jobs, kids, etc. Something to ponder.
A few years ago (2015 to be exact), Lauren disclosed our lifestyle (swinging and polyamory) to her sister and also some of her non-swinger friends. She also told her parents she’s bisexual and they’ve since learned that Lauren and I have a girlfriend, Piper, who they have met. I have also shared about our lifestyle with a few of my friends. Guess what? Every single person we’ve told has been supportive, most have asked questions out of curiosity, and a few even shared that they themselves had similar experiences. For instance, Lauren’s sister told her she’d had a sexual experience with another woman during college and enjoyed it but discovered that she’s straight.
As I’ve mentioned on here before, similar to your situation, there are rumors about us in the neighborhood. The fact is that a few times per week a very attractive redheaded woman arrives, stays with us overnight and sometimes over the weekend, and then leaves. We’ve been spotted with her at restaurants, art shows, and other places. That attractive redhead, of course, is Piper. Some of our neighbors have gathered that she’s our girlfriend.
We have also hosted more than a few lifestyle parties and Lauren on a few occasions has been seen in her very suggestive club attire and all of that has contributed to the rumors. At this point, we don’t give a fuck about the rumors. They’re out there, and we can’t stop them. We are who we are — we like to swap, participate in orgies and gangbangs, have all kinds of group sex, spend time and hook up with Piper, go to our clubs to meet and fuck people, and generally do kinky shit with people we like. Lauren enjoys dressing in a way that looks callgirl-ish when we go to the club. Sometimes people see things, they judge and they spread rumors. Whatever. Took us a long time to get to that place.
For you, you can ignore the rumors (as mentioned above), confirm their accuracy if someone asks you about them, or deny them. If you deny them, be sure you have good reasons why lying is okay.
Another option: Leave the lifestyle. But don’t do that unless you really want to get out.
I wish you the best!
