List #14: 30 Confusing Messages I’ve Internalised About Who To Be & How to Live

30 Lists of 30 to Celebrate my 30th Birthday

7 min readAug 15, 2021

30 Lists of 30 to Celebrate my 30th Birthday

The What & Why Behind This Project:

This year I turn 30. And my gosh, I have been thinking about it a lot. I don’t know if it’s the pandemic, or the fact that this milestone is loaded with many societal expectations, but my mind has inundated me with reflections and memories from the past, with questions arising about my life choices and lesson learnt, about my expectations of being a human and about my desires for the future. And this combined with pandemic reflections has meant there has been a lot on my mind….🤔

I started writing a series of questions and lists of all the elements I wanted to capture and articulate. There were a lot, unsurprisingly; 30 years is a long time really! So I gave up on the 1 list idea that I normally write (30 reflections/lessons turning 30) and decided to write 30 lists.

30 Lists of 30, for my 30th Birthday.

Who are these lists for, you might wonder? I started writing reflections many years ago to get to know myself better. And when I shared these raw and real accounts with friends I discovered that what I wrote about my individual journey, touched upon something universally human. Beyond the masks and labels we wear is a messy, beautifully complex life, with highs and lows. And more similar to others than we might think.

So I share them in the hope that you too might feel something — intrigue, joy, resonance or maybe even difference — as you reflect on what it means to be a human. I recognise that my experiences are my own, that some come from a place of privilege and that they may not all be relatable or interesting to you. I know I can’t please everyone, so take what you can…(and let me know what lands!).

So, Back to Lists…

The Why Behind List #14: 30 Confusing Messages I’ve Internalised About Who To Be & How to Live

Whether we want it or not, societies’ messages about who we should or should not be influence the kinds of behaviours we exhibit at home, with friends, in the workplace, out in public. However, I have noticed more and more how hard it is to truly do fulfill these messages as they can be in conflict with other messages, or just totally unrealistic and sexist.

List #14: 30 Confusing Messages I’ve Internalised About Who To Be & How to Live

Be ladylike; keep your legs together, don’t burp, fart or fight. Express your femininity.
Be a leader, but don’t be bossy or assertive or dominant.
Be caring to everyone, even at the cost of your own needs.
Aspire to work and live with independence. But also be a team player and a community citizen.
Therapy is really wonderful way to look after your wellbeing, learn about yourself change your patterns so you can show up as a better person, parent or citizen. But don’t talk about it if you go, and don’t expect your employer to contribute unless you are having an absolute meltdown.
Be logical and rational, but don’t be direct or challenge others thinking, especially not elders or seniors.
Have good boundaries, but don’t be selfish when someone needs your help.
Be brilliant and do your best but not too brilliant that it makes others feel less competent or less valued.
Smile, even if you’re not having a great day.
Be fit, lean and flexible, but don’t have too much muscle that you look manly.
Be genuine, but don’t tell people who don’t know you how you’re actually feeling. Don’t be too emotional and express your feelings, especially sadness and anger, especially not in public.
Work really hard every day and achieve your career and life goals, but make sure that you don’t work so hard that you burn out.
Love yourself first but don’t be narcissistic or too self-loving.
Be yourself but also be professional and don’t reveal too much about who you really are beyond your job mask.
Be strong, don’t show your weaknesses or vulnerabilities.
Be proud of yourself, but don’t do it publicly, take up too much space and also stay humble.
Let someone be a gentleman and open the door for you, but don’t expect them to walk through the door you hold open for them.
It is good to be busy all the time otherwise what are you are doing with your life? But if you’re too busy you’re doing too much and not being present.
We’re all imperfect, but don’t tell people about the mistakes you’re not proud of lest they judge you.
Life is extraordinary and precious. Make sure you work as hard as you can at work and devote yourself to your role beyond the 9–5. Even at the expense of a family life, creative pursuits and other relationships that energise you and create meaning.
It is important you bring up your children well, spend time time with them to shape them into great humans but you only have 25 days of leave a year to do this, a couple of hours at the end of the day and some of the weekend when you’re not working, doing laundry and sorting life admin.
‘Love thy neighbour’, be proactive in your loneliness but don’t talk to strangers.
Be careful with what you eat, and limit your sugar intake, even though every single condiment, sauce etc. available will have sugar in it.
Don’t visit your GP unless you have a real health problem, and just rely on google research to learn how to prevent ill health in the first place.
Eat a balanced diet, but ready-made and fast food is much more affordable than fresh food.
We are experiencing a climate crises that is already affecting a large part of the world, will affect everyone eventually and could destroy the planet, but we many are still not going to prioritise this
You must be curious about everything, but don’t ask too many questions.
You will you will have succeeded when you have got into a good university, have £20k+ of student debt, are working at a good ‘stable’ job that takes more time than you have contracted for, in a large corporation that sounds great on paper but might feel miserable, and whose main priority is making money for shareholders.
Sex is one of the beautiful connected ways to create intimacy in a relationship, bring pleasure and de-stress. Don’t talk about or even suggest to others that you have a sex life.
A new sofa, sunglasses or a beer in the pub will make you happy. Don’t spend the time getting to the root issue.

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List #14: 30 Confusing Messages I’ve Internalised About Who To Be & How to Live

30 Lists of 30 to Celebrate my 30th Birthday

30 Lists of 30 to Celebrate my 30th Birthday

So, Back to Lists…

Written by Georgie Nightingall