List #16: 30 Considerations for Designing Meaningful Human Connection Experiences

30 Lists of 30 to Celebrate my 30th Birthday

10 min readAug 16, 2021

The What & Why Behind This Project:

This year I turn 30. And my gosh, I have been thinking about it a lot. I don’t know if it’s the pandemic, or the fact that this milestone is loaded with many societal expectations, but my mind has inundated me with reflections and memories from the past, with questions arising about my life choices and lesson learnt, about my expectations of being a human and about my desires for the future. And this combined with pandemic reflections has meant there has been a lot on my mind….🤔

I started writing a series of questions and lists of all the elements I wanted to capture and articulate. There were a lot, unsurprisingly; 30 years is a long time really! So I gave up on the 1 list idea that I normally write (30 reflections/lessons turning 30) and decided to write 30 lists.

30 Lists of 30, for my 30th Birthday.

Who are these lists for, you might wonder? I started writing reflections many years ago to get to know myself better. And when I shared these raw and real accounts with friends I discovered that what I wrote about my individual journey, touched upon something universally human. Beyond the masks and labels we wear is a messy, beautifully complex life, with highs and lows. And more similar to others than we might think.

So I share them in the hope that you too might feel something — intrigue, joy, resonance or maybe even difference — as you reflect on what it means to be a human. I recognise that my experiences are my own, that some come from a place of privilege and that they may not all be relatable or interesting to you. I know I can’t please everyone, so take what you can…(and let me know what lands!).

So, Back to Lists…

The Why Behind List #16: 30 Considerations for Designing Meaningful Human Connection Experiences

I started Trigger in 2016 based on this single question ‘how can I engineer more meaningful conversations? ’Most people assume that connection is organic and just happens or now. But there is always design (even if unintentionally) happening beneath the surface in the way we behave, the physical space and the social norms. Through applying an intentional designers eye to experiences, we can actually influence more meaningful outcomes on a more consistent basis.

List #16: 30 Considerations for Designing Meaningful Human Connection Experiences

The best group gatherings are designed both for intimacy and belonging. People connect best when in 2s or 3s, because it's easier to feel safe, share vulnerably and build trust with less people, and you’re likely to get to hear from and get to know someone. However, humans love to feel like they belong to something greater, a shared narrative or force.
Utilise the ‘in-between’ micro moments of connection (lifts, queues, before events begin). These short, unstructured, organic moments are wonderful opportunities to meet someone new, smile and exchange a few statements. These small actions make you way more memorable and highly reduce the psychological barriers involved in striking up a conversation again.
Create a frame of context upfront so people know how to show up. This is especially helpful when people are new and have no frame of reference, or it is a virtual space, where there are less clues about what is acceptable, permissible or rewarded behaviour.
Engage all the senses by inviting movement. There is a tendency for people to get comfortable standing or sitting which restricts the opportunity to meet new people, think differently or creatively (walking and movement helps with creativity and cognitive processing). Create structures that invite people to move to different spaces.
Max 4 people talking per group. According to theory of mind, humans struggle to stay cognitively engaged with more than 3 others, so they will often check-out. Additionally large groups are often dominated by over-enthusiastic extroverts! If you do have a large group, learn to facilitate group conversations and even better, create structures or a setting that forces people to break into 2–3s.
Abundance of numbers creates issues. Similar the paradox of choice, when you have too many people it is harder to make satisfactory decisions about who to connect with. You can design ways smaller groups to rectify this.
Rituals create meaning and consistency. People love rituals — these small intentional actions or practices can transform ordinary moments into significant ones by focusing our attention, inviting us to connect to the moment in a deeper way. Done consistently over time they also create a rich cultural narrative that allows us to feel a sense of belonging to something beyond ourselves. A ritual can be as simple as words said at the beginning of a gathering, lighting candles to mark the start or end, or taking the same walking route in the morning.
Help people get over the psychological barriers to connection early on. When you meet new people, there can be a lot of barriers that hold us back — fear of approaching new people, interrupting group conversations, uncertainty about what is safe to share or ask about, freedom to get away from an interaction that isn’t enjoyable. You can design structures that help remove the barriers. More informally, you can do introduce them to someone straight away and provide a few hooks of information that prompts curiosity and dialogue. At Trigger Conversations events, I developed labels with symbols as a way to randomly match partners so they didn’t have to/ couldn’t choose their next partner (which creates inclusivity and reduces the feeling of being rejected). I also defined concrete timings for each conversation course, and creating question prompts to give participants permission to ask each other deep questions.
Give everyone a chance to be heard and to share their voice, even if its only in pairs and not with the wider group.
Ask yourself ‘what does this moment need?’ when you notice some interesting dynamics in a space. We often think that it's a about the right question to ask but it might just be that you need to name something you’re noticing in the space (e.g. people are tired, quiet, surprised, energised, divided) to work out what element you can bring in to change the energy.
Don’t forget to design for inclusivity. This means acknowledging the people who won’t speak up first or be confident enough to walk up to new people without an invitation. Personally invite them to share first, give prompts or create structures that make it a level playing field.
Make it obvious that connection experiences aren’t just about receiving social or emotional benefits, but also functional (practical knowledge and solutions) and cognitive ones (helping you learn something) too.
Don’t forget about cultural diversity. It is easy to take a Western-centric perspectives on experience design, and assume that everyone will be behave similarly. Get to know your participants and understand what their challenges are, otherwise individuals will not feel safe or at home and will form an ‘outsiders’ clique.
Make participation mandatory. Being social is often seen as a nice-to-have despite the incredible impact it can have for both the short term (increase in energy, wellbeing, happiness) and long term (building of both personal and professional relationships). We don’t always see the big picture so when work or our stress increases, social connection often the first thing that is dropped even though it would help. We need to help others make time for it and invest even when the ‘results’ aren’t immediately apparent.
People need and enjoy structure, guidance and instructions — it helps them feel psychologically safe enough to take risks. Don’t just assume that creating a space is enough — connection isn’t always organic.
You can embed connectivity rituals into everything, they aren’t just standalone events. When designing any routine experience or event, think about the ways you can create an opportunity for someone to connect — meeting someone new or deepening a pre-existent relationship. E.g. at the beginning of meetings, answering a different check-in question each time. These small rituals, practiced often, can create a deep connection between people as well as feeling of belonging. People are highly more likely to show up if they get to feel connected.
Divide and conquer. Not everyone has the same preferences. Offering a variety of different experiences for people to connect will allow individuals to pick and choose. This is also true online — some people might prefer to connect with written content , some audio and some video. Better to have a variety of experiences that build momentum than putting all your eggs in one basket.
Create experiences where connection is the by-product not the focus. Having a reason to get together (e.g. book club) is much more powerful than just connecting for the sake of connecting. The focus means that people will be more likely to show up, be excited and know how to engage with each other because they already have an agreed (and permissible) entry-point into conversation.
Collective shared experiences accelerate trust-building — it is not just about conversation. Design opportunities for people to do activities together e.g. cooking, walking, building things, sports, games. You’ll also discover who people are through their actual behaviour, and not what they say about who they are.
Set the container in order to help others co-create the experience. The beauty of meaningful experiences is that the participants make and shape them. Creating a structure or space with a set intention and encouraged behaviours can allow people the flexibility to bring their selves and ideas to the space.
Invite people to drop their masks and share all the colours of their story. Our default tendency is hold back from sharing who we are beyond our professional masks. You have to make it okay and safe for people to be vulnerable and be curious. This starts with modelling the behaviour you seek to create.
Non-verbal and verbal real-time feedback reinforces the behaviour you seek. Head nodding, ‘mmm’ sounds, reflecting back what people share, saying ‘good question/ idea’ all signal acknowledgement and encouragement and will show (not tell) people what to do more of.
Connection is about building relationships and not transactions. Create the conditions for people to become friends — incentive getting to discover another human and their wonderful quirks over business card exchanges.
Connection comes first before collaboration. Collaborating well is essential and yet it often doesn’t work out well because it requires high levels of trust & safety, accountability and a need to know another deeply. Designing for connectivity is part of any good collaboration strategy.
Everything takes longer in a virtual setting, but you need shorter sprints. Connection is harder online because it's harder and more draining to focus, especially if we are just listening. Give people something to do, and keep sections short.
Forming connections take time so front-load and accelerate connection building where possible. With any new group of people, it takes time to get comfortable and get to really know each other, so this is the critical time to help people accelerate this process by removing as many barriers as possible and creating opportunities for mutual self-disclosure and deep connection.
Make it easy for people to find and reconnect with each other afterwards, without having to ask permission. Create a whatsapp group, Facebook event or joint email before you are asked to share details.
Give people roles and responsibilities that can own and shape actively so they don’t become passive participants. One of the easiest ways to do this is to get people involved in co-creating gatherings — bringing, preparing and serving food / drinks, playing the host when people arrive (I once experimented at a party where the last person to arrive was the new host — it was really fun and gave newcomers permission to take charge, go first and approach others). When you have a role you gain a level of authority that gives you agency to move in and out of conversations, among other things. Even if you’re not the true host you can assign yourself tasks which then gives you this authority!
Check out your assumptions about what people actually want and ask them as part of the designing process. Not only will you discover unique desires or blockers, but you’ll also invite the participants to be engaged co-creators.
Keep it simple, sometimes you just need one question (or stimulus) to dive deep. I planned a creative reflective evening with friends over dinner but we never got beyond the intro question — ‘what 3 qualities or themes have arisen in you since the pandemic started?’ — because there was so much richness in each word given and curiosity generated through the sharings. Sometimes in conversation we are constantly drawing out new information in others but never choose to go deeper on an individual thread.

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Your support will help me fund my PhD starting in October 2021 at the School of Design Engineering, Imperial College, London. The subject: Human Connection & Conversation Design. This research lab > interactionfoundry.com

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💬 Watch my TEDx talk: Talking to Strangers: Having a Meaningful Conversation

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List #16: 30 Considerations for Designing Meaningful Human Connection Experiences

30 Lists of 30 to Celebrate my 30th Birthday

So, Back to Lists…

Written by Georgie Nightingall