List #28: 30 Journal Entries from the Last 20 Years

30 Lists of 30 to Celebrate my 30th Birthday

29 min readAug 29, 2021

The What & Why Behind This Project:

This year I turn 30. And my gosh, I have been thinking about it a lot. I don’t know if it’s the pandemic, or the fact that this milestone is loaded with many societal expectations, but my mind has inundated me with reflections and memories from the past, with questions arising about my life choices and lesson learnt, about my expectations of being a human and about my desires for the future. And this combined with pandemic reflections has meant there has been a lot on my mind….🤔

I started writing a series of questions and lists of all the elements I wanted to capture and articulate. There were a lot, unsurprisingly; 30 years is a long time really! So I gave up on the 1 list idea that I normally write (30 reflections/lessons turning 30) and decided to write 30 lists.

30 Lists of 30, for my 30th Birthday.

Who are these lists for, you might wonder? I started writing reflections many years ago to get to know myself better. And when I shared these raw and real accounts with friends I discovered that what I wrote about my individual journey, touched upon something universally human. Beyond the masks and labels we wear is a messy, beautifully complex life, with highs and lows. And more similar to others than we might think.

So I share them in the hope that you too might feel something — intrigue, joy, resonance or maybe even difference — as you reflect on what it means to be a human. I recognise that my experiences are my own, that some come from a place of privilege and that they may not all be relatable or interesting to you. I know I can’t please everyone, so take what you can…(and let me know what lands!).

So, Back to Lists…

The Why Behind List #28: 30 Journal Entries from the Last 20 Years

I’m appreciative to have developed the habit of documenting some of my life experiences and reflections in journals since I was a teenager. Reading back through some of these accounts was a fascinating experience, allowing me to unravel the truth about my past experiences without influence from the current version of myself. I recalled moments I had forgotten and felt compassion and curiosity towards my past self. I came to understand how my ideas, life principles and habits have consistently been built over the years. I also appreciated the changes — how I have grown. As life isn’t just the peaks, I’ve done my best to share a variety of entries the real, raw and emotional, the thoughtful life principles as well as the light and celebratory.

List #28: 30 Journal Entries from the Last 20 Years

2005– Age 14, senior school (about friendship & asking questions)

[Friend’s name] and I have this totally amazing connection — she understands me as I her. I have discovered so much and a lot about myself because of her. She says there will be few people in your life you will ever completely trust (like my Mum says) and I am one of them. That made me feel good. Also, she said it is good to ask a lot of questions. I also do it for 2 reasons. One, because I want to know and understand everything. Secondly, I have a confidence in myself and want to check if I am right.

We talked of racism and bullying within the school. She said last year, when I was bullied, it was harsh on me and she felt so mad she couldn’t do anything.

2. 2007 — Aged 16, senior school (my relationship to running, exercise & stress)

Got back to school which was fine and good to see everyone. Then came a tonne of total chaos when we were told about all the work we had to do, and I suddenly changed my mood from happy to miserable with a pessimistic mind. I couldn’t concentrate in the afternoon so decided the only way to get out of the awful mood was going for a run. After the run, [friend’s name] and I went to the gym and sweated it out. I came out feeling amazing. I had no worries and all the headache stress of hard work gone — that evening I managed to do lots of work and then went to bed on a very good note. It proves exercise really helps me get out of everything. I was so inspired, I felt I could do everything this good this term. Give in coursework on time and do lots of sports and run every day.

3. 2008 —age 17, final days in Malawi with the school (dancing and good relationships)

I just can’t stop smiling!…

I know there will be some embarrassing moments to explain when the videos come out back in England, but I really don’t care because I loved every minute of it. I could have easily stayed there another hour and seriously sweating ‘boogeying’ the night away with the nurses and the children. Some noticed and made comments about my erm ‘dancing’ but I don’t care. I can only smile because as [friend] has said (whilst worrying about the size of her sweat patches in photos) tonight fits in with my top 10 events so far. As [teacher] pointed out, if Malawi is the heart of Africa, then Nkohotakota is the heart of Malawi. I have never felt so appreciated and had such warm company. I know they value the money we fundraise for them but when they say how happy they are for us to be here I believe they really mean it. There are friendly faces, numerous handshakes…

4. 2009 — aged 17, last days interrailing in Europe & my relationship to travel

I’ll be glad to go home tomorrow and for now, I feel that 1 month is enough. But I have already started thinking about my next backpacking trip travelling across Ireland, Scandinavia, the rest of Europe and the East (Vietnam, Cambodia etc.) and I reckon that once I have made money to fund the trip its absolutely do-able. Interrailing in Europe, a year ago, seemed like a fantasy but we have made it happen and it’s been great. We have met so many open and kind people doing stuff just like us and its helping to make me so much more independent ready for whatever life throws at me!

5. 2011 age 20, at university with depression

Just one drop. That’s all it takes and I’ll be released. Human emotion. Is that what I need/want? I’m trapped, not only in this room, this student halls, in this city but in this country. I want to go home and sleep and run away and wake up again. I’m stuck in a rut and I can’t climb out. Now, I can hardly see the way out. The light from the top is fading. Darkness enclosing.

Why? The question I want to be answered that can’t be. How did I get myself here- how did someone like me ever find their way down somewhere like here and why didn’t I recognise it before it was too late? Can I be redeemed?

My existence is centred around waking up and going to sleep. I try to do the latter as much as possible. Not only does it seem to slightly increase my ill/sick wellbeing but it takes me away. Unfortunately, the waking up brings me back.

I’m not sad. If I was, I could cry. I could release it and push the sadness away and try again. I am what I’ve been before. Trapped, lacking feeling, in limbo and waiting. (For what?). I think it must be similar to depression. It’s awful to get rid of it once you’re in it. And only you can climb your way out of it.

I’d never want to admit depression or the fact I’ve had it before. It would be on my record and would hinder any future (if any) positive opportunities. They’d reject me on principle and I would regret being regretful about life.

That’s the thing. It’s all my fault and only I, only I can make things better. It’s my life and ultimately, I must control it. I’m so angry, so frustrated at myself. I always tell everyone I never regret anything in life, perhaps not taking history at GCSE if anything but I’m not caught up in that regret- I’ll have other opportunities another time.

I got a drop.

6. 2011, age 20, at university reflecting on motivations to go to university

Why do people come to university? For the degree, for experiences, to grow up, to gain a qualification? To find a partner? I think I’m here for many reasons and among them not to partner search but to people search. What am I doing atm? I’m turning up to lectures and working but I’m joining societies to develop new skills but more importantly find people to share them with. Again, what good is happiness, experiences and life when it is not with others? My aim for the year is to find friends. Both guys and girls and I have often found the latter more difficult. Again, I have high expectations. I’m not looking for acquaintances, I have many of these. I want friends that I can grow with. I want friends I can love and who are odd and unconventional and like me.

— -

So what are we all doing here then? Wandering around life trying to find each other and ourselves? Is it about finding our identity as we appear to ourselves or are in ourselves? What is the purpose of life? To be happy but this happiness must be shared socially.

—

I think I’ve chosen a difficult life because I’m the kind of person to keep taking challenges. But have I just lost it all? Is there any happiness for me or am I just going to be searching for it for years only to have it taken from me? I hope I have planned some good into my life. I’d quite like it soon. Whatever doesn’t break you makes you stronger, but what if too much breaking or falling over means you never really get up?

7. 2011, aged 20, coming out of my depression at university and reflecting on existence, resilience, care

No one is fighting for me. So, after I leave this state I must not forget this and I must fight for those who need to be fought for. I am very determined not just to live, but to live well and to give life to all those in my life. I deserve life and as does everyone else.

I have recently felt that there is nothing to comfort me. …… But now I realize that there is something, if fleeting.

And that is that I exist. And that I must exist. Whatever shit happens to take over my life cannot blind me of this true objective fact: that I am and I will continue to be. And I must be until I sleep. Because I must be, I will and whilst I will, I will in a fiercely determined manner. Especially when there is so much good in the world I have yet to and need to discover.

8. 2011, aged 20, at university

I like people. I very much like listening to them, interacting with them. Forming some sort of bond, transient at first, then letting it strengthen until a relationship has formed. An invisible thread lies here and one that can become worn and thin or can strengthen and can pull others closer and also push them away. Most of all, I like analysing people and situations; working out what language means. Where language is not limited to mere words but where body language can form the basis of understanding about the human psychology.

If I look at how others perceive me, then I see strength in character, something a teacher once described as a ‘resoluteness, a toughness that sets her apart from her peers’. Of course I hope this to be true but I know that underneath this façade, true though I believe it is, lies a homo sapiens, a human. And to be human means I have insecurities about life, about every decision I have, am and will ever make. I am insecure and I have a yearning to love and to be loved, in short: to be happy. I know that mentally I can ignore the way others treat me, I can fight through situations to see the good side. I can be calm and respond in a thoughtful manner, but this does not mean that others do not affect me. With this point, I can gather that if I want to be liked, to enjoy life, to create happiness even where misery and destruction occurs I must either find my inner happiness or create one.

— —

I believe that every single living person has good in them. Every person has something about themselves which is good, which is wanted in this world and should be shared with others. That others may grow to love and which will blossom into their personality. To give up on someone because nothing has been achieved is of great loss to this world

9. 2012 aged 20 at university, thinking about life principles

The best kind of thinking occurs best when you are occupied with other things.

It is not a matter of choice when thoughts choose to come to us

What do I truly know?

We know 3 things for definite. That we were born, that one day we shall die and, lastly, perhaps most importantly, that this one transient moment will never be the same as the next. That this wonderful moment will never again be repeated in the same manner. The world is in flux and we must change with it. Adaptation then is the key to life. Adaptation then, is the key to success.

Change your map or risk being left behind.

Shit happens.

So what? does it matter?

And this affects you how?

The shit is not that bad compared to…

The shit has some good to it.

10. 2012 aged 21 at university, thoughts on life principles, conversation, inclusivity and changemakers

Humility needed.

Being an outsider is good. How inviting can you be?

Reelers judge those who cannot reel.

Small talk. Need to keep probing. Always something there.

Don’t put down others to save yourself humiliation.

Invite people who enter groups/ rooms into conversation

Need to treasure the outsiders. You can see your friends anytime.

Don’t ignore.

Ask for names. Apologise for forgetting them.

Appreciate those that stand out independently. They are the ones that will lead us into the new era.

11. 2012 aged 21, at university, writing life principles

Thoughts

1. Nothing is as simple as it seems, but its the simple things in life that matters.

2. Laughter is indeed the best medicine.

3. Nothing ventured nothing gained.

4. Reflect on if it actually matters… If it doesn’t hurt another, if you’re physically not damaged or dead, then you can forget about it.

5. Always forgive others. But don’t forget.

6. What is not said is as important as what is said.

7. Every time you make a decision to do something, you’re going to be missing out on something else.

8. No one is boring. Have the patience to discover who they are.

9. Never underestimate the importance of a smile.

10. Communication is key; don’t expect people to be able to mind read.

11. If others bring up a topic or event, they probably want to talk about it. Let them.

12. Never look down upon the loners… They have the strength and courage of independence and will often have a great deal to share.

13. Tomorrow may be a new day and start, but so is the next minute. This current moment is transitory. It shouldn’t define the rest of the day.

14. To gain confidence you need only pretend and it will follow naturally.

15. Never underestimate the value of random moments of kindness to strangers. Not only will they never forget them, but they will do likewise to others.

16. Don’t only respect your elders. Respect every person no matter their age.

17. Age does not necessarily equal experience.

18. You can learn something from every single person that exists.

19. Humour will fit into every situation.

20. Apologise first and the apology to you will always come.

21. We all exist to literally serve each other, in skills and time. Do not forget that you will always be behind the till once. Treat those who serve you as persons and not machines. Always thank them even if it is their job.

22. Before you act do not just consider what you think is fair, but put yourself in another’s shoes and imagine what it is like to roam.

23. Carry a tissue on you. If you don’t need it someone else will.

24. Ask people questions. They have much to share but are only waiting for the invitation.

25. Do not judge others opinions. Seek to clarify and understand them first.

26. Your own opinion is not necessarily right, even if the majority share it.

27. Use crutches and you’ll notice many plenty of others on crutches around you. To see something, simply alter your filter.

28. Don’t be so vain to believe that others are always speaking of you behind your back- they have other subjects to discuss.

29. You will most enjoy and appreciate a drink of water when you are thirsty. Likewise, you must sometimes have nothing to enjoy everything.

30. No matter how well you plan, some things will always go wrong. Do not stress about what you cannot control.

31. What you see as lazy may actually be highly efficient, try to view things in an optimistic light.

32. The more you search for differences with others, the more you will find them. The more you search for similarities, the more you will find.

33. Seek to help others and make them happy and you will naturally become happy and help yourself.

34. Confidence is context dependent. We are all confident at some manner of our life.

35. Do not assume that others are not struggling when all you see and hear from them is joy and positive experiences. It is their appearance you are seeing and not necessarily their reality.

36. We all judge but to understand others. It is not always a negative action.

37. Speak out and fight for others when they are in the right but cannot. One day, they will do the same for you.

38. Beauty is to be found in everything. It is only in removing it or in comparison that we can truly appreciate it.

39. We all do evil actions but that does not make us wholly evil people.

40. Do not give up on finding the good in people, it always exists. As does the evil.

41. Anger is a lack of control over your emotions. Others will not act towards you out of respect.

Further thoughts.

People are too full of pride to acknowledge their wrongdoings or your kindness but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Carry on giving. One day they will have the confidence to speak. In the mean time you’ll inspire them to be a better person.

When someone chooses a topic to discuss, especially of their own life, it usually means that they wish and need to talk about it. Let them, your time to burden them with your worries or news will come again.

Before you make a decision, take into account that what you decide to do will, in turn, influence another’s decision.

Admit your wrongdoings, faults and personality faults (stuff you need to work on) before others can use them against you.

Do not respond to others’ anger with anger. If you give them no fuel then they are unable to involve you in argument.

It’s harder to cry when smiling. Use those facial muscles.

Laughter really is the best medicine.

When in doubt, apologies for your actions. Others are not able to understand your intentions.

When the love of your life looses that role and status it is your friends that will help you pick up the pieces. Do not discard them.

Everyone has a story to tell, spend time finding it out.

Do not confuse knowledge of others with the appearance of knowledge of others. What they tell you will always be an edited version.

You can never have too many friends. Always seek out new ones.

Talk to strangers. They will add spontaneity and excitement to your day.

The elderly have a lot to say. Listen to them. Likewise, the young have much to say, listen to them also.

Awkwardness is only created from a feeling of awkwardness. Demolish the feeling and it will disappear as well.

12. 2013 aged 22, at university

I have an obligation to contribute to society. Not just to fulfil a role. There is room for improvement. Not just filling up empty beds but creating more.

Need to teach children/adults at one point in my life.

Philo/EI. Or their applications.

They embody subjects/life.

— -

Currently reading over my reports over the past few years (UCAS, TM and Pl Cmd) to make myself feel better.

Listening to John Rutter music.

Nostalgia over [school] days.

Such gratitude to those who wrote nice things about me. Not just generic compliments but specific thanks and positive things.

We really need to appreciate each other more in life. And then tell people what we think. So many times I feel under-appreciated and used when actually people like me and are appreciative of my work or presence. I give and often do not receive. I know that others feel the same. It should be our duty to speak highly of others. Not just on demand (reports).

We live for each. We act for each other. It should not just be loved ones speaking of their love for each other.

13. 2013 aged 22 at university, thinking about leadership

I’m not always a leader. Sometimes I choose not to be. But you can have leadership through presence/walking through the door last/letting others speak/ being calm.

14. 2013 age 21, at university, one year after x2 foot surgeries

No I don’t want a new foot. Because with a new foot comes new problems. I would rather work at the problems in the old one.

Don’t worry about it. It will turn out alright in the end. How do I know this? because they always do.

15. 2013 age 21 at university, reflecting on my habits.

G Peculiarities/ individual habits:

Writes notes everywhere

Get in and get out

Can’t do accents

Noisy everywhere

Runs doesn’t walk

Sleeps an insane amount

Extremely busy- never doing nothing

Always smiling and laughing

Cheeky

Takes risks

Fitness crazy- running

Completely mad

Confident (where is it from?)

Determined- sees and then acts.

Get in get out

16. 2013 aged 22 at university, pondering about life, the purpose of my degree and education.

People are intelligent. It’s nice to hear and grapple with thoughts. To philosophise. You can’t do that in a large lecture.

I miss school days. Why?

- Not killing hours. Less procrastination. Made to hit deadlines/do things at certain times.

- At the same time, you miss freedom. To do what I want and experience.

Need to quit something that takes time and doesn’t make me feel good.

I love learning in a close setting.

Always go to conferences/workshops.

Education is impersonalised. Like corporate businesses. Teaching in lecture halls. Practical but does not define people as individuals.

Philosophers are specific.

In this class, I learn for the sake of learning. Not to write a paper. It teaches me to think AND to enjoy thinking.

More contact time needed in all education and careers. Need to form and have relationships in everything. To share something.

Can’t work out (in words- to justify) why my degree is valuable or good. But I know that it must be. And is. No denying it.

17. 2013 aged 21, reflecting on everyday role models and life principles

No matter what, always be kind to others.

— -

Often, the most inspirational people are not those celebrities or famous people but those closest to us whose actions we do not recognise.

Watch, and learn from their example.

Value features of personality that are not seen.

Things to note-

Never assume that someone has an easier life than you. Everyone is fighting their own battles whether this is in the public eye or not.

Always seek to make others’ lives easier. Aim to make a positive imprint on their lives.

Being lazy/jack is one of the worst features of a personality. Lead by example and try to help others.

I look forward to having my own baby and being obsessed by him/her. But not for another decade or so.

Children will take over your life.

Children are exhausting and can take over your life. Make sure you have other things in your life to keep you busy besides you children.

You must make an effort to keep relationships strong. With your other half, family and friends. Make time.

Make plans for days. Have structure.

Children need to eat good food. Get them helping with the cooking.

Keep discipline. And routine.

Repeat/ show love unconditionally and routinely.

Don’t have the TV on unless necessary. Limit it for children.

Don’t become a slave to it yourself/ regard it as time out.

Don’t become jealous of others. Appreciate your differences, them and yourself.

Don’t lose touch with the intellectual side of life just because children cannot relate to that side of you.

Be an example for your children.

Ask questions. If you don’t ask about people’s lives they won’t tell you. There is a lot you don’t know.

Sleep deprivation and tiredness is something that will always occur in life (jet lag, army, children, work). Best to accept it now and get over it.

18. 2014 Age 22ish, the final year of my undergraduate degree.

This thought is in my mind: ‘ I really just don’t care.’

Don’t care about what? I dunno. I guess life, work, uni work.

Context — computer malfunctioning, wasted time to see someone about that, having it fixed tomorrow, it’s raining hard, got my mid-term essay back and got a high 2:2 (that’s not great), dissertation due soon.

I don’t feel like I’m doing well. I know I can do so much better but for some reason I am not. And I don’t know how to. I’ve kind of lost faith in the marking system. My marks are all over the place. I’m struggling to get my point across in words and speech. I’m irritable and people are just annoying me at the moment. Perhaps this is what it is like to lose hope.

I also don’t care about my degree anyone. I’m not even worrying anymore. Of course I want a 2:1 but I’m less stressed about getting it now I feel like I’ve lost hope. I literally have little care. I’m not sad or miserable, I’m just ‘meh’. Frustrated I guess. But pretty neutral.

I’m going to write the dissertation but I’m not enthused by it. Or my university. I’m pretty angry at uni actually. I feel like I’ve received no support. I know that there are some things you can do to get more contact, like lecturers contact hours, but I feel like you can only go to these with a specific question. There is no sense of community within the school. I don’t feel attached to any of it. In fact, I feel like I just want it over with.

I have lost my enthusiasm for learning. Almost. That is what university has done to me. Isn’t that sad? Especially when it should be the opposite.

God, this is such a bad attitude to have. I need to get rid of it ASAP.

Out.

19. 2014 age 23, at university, reflecting on life principles

New learning

No one thinks like you

You can also be better at something

Bad communication is at least half your fault

Everything is interesting. No one is boring

Nothing just happens. Changes are big, involve risk and take time

Time is relative

20. 2015 aged 24, whilst working and studying part-time

One thought on work — I have so much to do (courses + work) that I really can see how people just let life go on past them. And suddenly they are 30 years old

21. 2015 aged 24, teaching myself how to cry after seeing my osteopath

Best way to do this is to close your eyes as it drowns out all the other distractions. Next is to concentrate on the feeling (emotion) and what it physically feels like (pain in the chest) and try and feel the depth of it. Let oneself feel sadder and sadder. Let it intensify. Feel the pain and don’t try to stop or control it. The eyes will start to well up. This is a good sign. The rest of the emotion is on its way. The pain is like pain you get in your body. It is slightly unpleasant and it causes one to screw up their face in agony. This is a good sign as through the pain you will feel a release.

The pain feels a bit like nausea. It comes in waves and I felt like I was going to throw up. The metaphor is helpful as the throwing up is the release. The pain will rise and rise and then there will be one powerful cry/groan and face scrunch and then it will release. This happens a few times until it feels like there is nothing left to let go. One feels ‘empty’ and exhausted. And calm. And mostly better.

I say mostly as, like when throwing up, you know that there isn’t often just one session. The body throws up in waves. Same with the crying. Sometimes it is just one big release. Most of the time it occurs a few times. With me, I could tell that I wasn’t done. I felt less like I would explode after the first cry but still like there were emotions that were unsettled. There was a gap of a few minutes when I felt quite normal. I spoke to my Mum and even laughed while she couldn’t understand what was going on. Then I felt it again. The next urge or surge of feeling ready to escape. I closed my eyes and concentrated on the feeling. This happened a few times. The gap between the episodes became larger. And then I ran out of emotion and felt exhausted, but better and settled.

22. 2015, aged 23 post significant relationship breakup

I want to call somebody, to speak to someone in my sadness. And you are not available. I cannot talk to you about you.

I am mourning the loss of us, the loss of you. The sadness is overwhelming, I can’t think straight. I can’t plan. I can’t be positive. Task mode is hard to reach. I am dead inside, suffering from the emotions of my own misery.

I want to talk to you. I want you to talk to me. I want you to ring me and tell me you’ve made a mistake. That your day has been horrid, that you now realise what you have lost. But you won’t.

23. 2015 aged 23 post significant relationship breakup, strategizing to prevent a depression relapse

Today, I became aware that I have the symptoms of a depression relapse. What that means is that I am becoming depressed again, although I think this is the early stages as I haven’t felt like this for too long and the symptoms come and go. Today, however, it was at its potential worse or the symptoms could not be explained by things like hormones (as they could a few days ago).

I never wish to be depressed again in my life. I am therefore fairly terrified at the possibility that it is moving in. Such is the case that the worry about this is potentially making me feel worse and preventing me from being happy.

— —

What to do? What action plan can I create in my head to solve the problem? Typical me behaviour — just plan for it. Ha! I have tried to do that by listing the things I need to do to prevent a full relapse:

- Osteopath –if possible — (although he is away atm)

- Exercise (daily) — a must although it doesn’t always help

- Films — comedies are especially good

- Setting and completing small tasks

- Reading

- Listening to music (not that effective by itself)

- Strolling in nature (better with others, I find)

- Friendships — the most important part — speaking to people openly, face to face if possible. To share, to laugh with, to enjoy their company, to prevent oneself from thinking about the bad stuff, to stop the loneliness from engulfing oneself.

24. 2016 aged 25, thinking about perception, how much others influence us, risk-taking and values

It is amazing how much our perceptions of the world are influenced by the perceptions of others. And, if you think about it, our perceptions of the world is our world. It is our only access to reality, and a reality that is our understanding of the world (remember that we can’t know any objective version of reality, even if it does exist).

If other people’s perceptions of the world influence our world, then we may only be understanding the world according to the people we are exposed to. The ones we value or are exposed to most are likely to have the most impact.

So, it doesn’t matter if a task is actually stressful or difficult. It is about how we feel about the task and that opinion is often the result of everyone else’s opinion. The best example of this is my undergrad dissertation. Wow, the stress. But not because it was overly hard or long or anything. I mean, it wasn’t easy but it also wasn’t that difficult. It was just 2 long essays, a conclusion and an introduction. Which I completed over a few weeks, enjoyed writing and did well in (high 2:1- that is okay). But I stressed so much. It was everyone around me that stressed out that caused me the most stress. I could feel the energy levels in the library. I could feel their tension.

And then there was the talk. The talk about the dissertation. When was it due? How much we had left to write. How stressful it was writing it. How we should feel guilty doing anything else except it. How it was the biggest and hardest thing in your life. God, I felt so stressed I was hardly able to write the damn thing. And then I reframed it. I reframed to look like it was just 2 essays. Two essays that I could manage and had weeks to write, remembering that I tend to write an essay in one full day.

Once the stress went, the flow kicked in and I wrote. And I hit the deadlines with time to spare. Once I cut out everyone else’s concerns and worries I just did the work and believed in myself.

It is the same with the perception that is in my life at the moment — that it is a bold move to leave my job without another lined up. As [Friend] herself slipped (Freudian!) last night — who would leave their job without another lined up? Well, me. I am taking that risk and I know I will find another.

I am skilled and experienced.

It will force me to get my act together and be proactive

I have time and space to think about what I want

— -

I need to stick to my values because that is who I am. If I don’t like it, don’t do it. If I don’t like someone, don’t spend time with them. If I want change then identify ways to change something and do them. Don’t sit back and let the world rotate around you. Be consistent. Treat others well.

25. 2016 aged 25, working full time, getting rejected for a job and thinking about future plans

Heard back from [Organisation]. With a rejection. Don’t feel overly surprised as I kind of expected this. But also don’t feel completely unhappy or distraught. Potentially because I either didn’t expect to get through or I know that I just need to find another way (or both). Maybe I feel like life keeps battering me down and now I just need to do something about it — you know, the unconventional route. If I am interested in something then go and expand that interest and make them want me. Want connections and find them. Get my way into things without having to use forms.

I feel like setting up a club that focuses on the stuff I want to do and then just creating trials or tests and seeing what happens. I.e. making my own kind of consultancy or doing a PhD. Need funding though.

I think this is a great example or the epitome of what I feel like at the moment — things just aren’t going my way easily. All things and I feel a bit overwhelmed by it all. But I have never been a giver-upper and so I will have to find a way round it.

Maybe it was the Derren Brown show last night that interested me and got me really excited about psychology and the routes it can take me. It was very interesting…. And so my thing I think.

Just need to work out a plan for research possibilities.

26. 2016 age 24, on a plane from London to the USA, thinking about time

365 days around the sun. One part of the world reaches this point before another. But if the time zones are not true (i.e. they are drawn out by countries and may not reflect the exact light/dark ratio)? Surely the UK, e.g., cannot be further in time than the rest of the UK (which is what is suggestive if we reach Mon 28th before the USA does). Time is just a construct — all that matters is duration and not the start and end point. The same as when you are travelling in a plane. You are neither at the time of the location you started or ended. Your current time could be measured according to your coordinates and the placing of the sun but it would change straight away as you travelled and it would seem like you were travelling back in time or that time was not moving at the same speed as it usually does. So you would be saving time — if you spend X hours travelling and arrive X hours before your origin time — light/dark there will determine an earlier time. You have travelled in time. But your body hasn’t as it has had duration of time — which ages it, not the time we use to measure life (on clocks)

27. 2016 aged 25, whilst working as a solo founder (and considering applying for a job)

I’m feeling discomfort, dis-ease and a slight doubting. I don’t know whether I should apply for this job with the [Organisation]. It looks quite interesting, and it would be good experience but I’m not feeling excited about it. And I don’t want to complete the application form tonight, which could be indicative of my laziness, or of the fact I don’t really want it. I am going through the usual lack of doubt about my future phase that I often have. I feel like I have to do something on my CV and to get behind in experience. But at the same time I just want to do my own thing and experiment. There is a part of me that just wants to do my own thing. To try out my own ideas and see where they go. It is very fulfilling but I also feel on the edge a bit, nervous and raw. But at least I care and I feel alive. It is also mixed up in this slight worry that I won’t have anywhere to live if I don’t get this flat that I am so excited about. My own space. My own place. Freedom and a place to create me. There isn’t much I can do at the moment except submit the right forms. And wait. ….

Anyway, worries over. I know that vulnerability is a good thing. It is helping me move forward in a new direction. It is going to feel uncomfortable at first.

28. 2017/18, as a solo founder

I’m getting closer to working out what I want. About my home, daily life, how I want to spend my time, when to work and doing what. Where I see my strengths being — in conversation and language and psychology and taking it apart, producing insights, teaching better ways to do it, communicating this, writing content. And building something that works.

29. 2018 — Aged 2 6ish, as a solo founder thinking about risk taking in entrepreneurship

To be an entrepreneur you have to dream big, to have a vision that you haven’t achieved before. To put yourself in a position that feels uncomfortable. To then put yourself at risk by committing yourself and your company to achieving that thing even when there isn’t that exact evidence to say you can. It is a leap of faith. The question then becomes, how? How can we achieve this goal? What is missing from now? How can we ensure we can do this and support ourselves to do this? [Person] doesn’t believe I can based on the {illegible} data. Maybe they are right, but their job is to point it out and then ask me how I can and what I need to do this. Life is making big leaps and financial leaps is one as is personal transformation. Believing what you can’t see at the moment Is necessary to achieve. You have to imagine the future first.

30. 2021, age 29, journaling at a retreat, where I was ‘spoke to’ my 88 year old self during a visualisation, asking her what life is about.

‘What is life like?’

It is deep. It is beautiful.

Heart Filling. Heart wrenching. At once. Everything is there. And then also lost as soon as you have it.

Full of meaning. From creativity. From relationships. From making an impact.

Life is hard to grasp sometimes. You will wonder what it is all about many times and keep coming back to the same question… ‘what is this?’. Describing ‘this’ every time with metaphors. It feels ‘like this’. And now it is changing.

The experience. Can I have my experience? Just keep listening for the changing shape of ‘this’. Of reality. Of life. Be here to witness it as it is happening and with it, you.

You and life are not static but ever changing and dynamic.

Be here for life happening through you.

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Want To Read More Lists?

I’m publishing one list every day in August (and will add the hyperlinks below).

List #28: 30 Journal Entries from the Last 20 Years

30 Lists of 30 to Celebrate my 30th Birthday

The What & Why Behind This Project:

So, Back to Lists…

List #28: 30 Journal Entries from the Last 20 Years

☕ If you enjoyed reading this list and want to support my writing I would love a coffee!

Written by Georgie Nightingall