68 Words or Less — Miami Heat

RIP Burnie

HEAT Players Hassan Whiteside and Goran Dragic comfort one another as they look on in horror at their beloved mascot’s spectacle of ritual suicide.

All concern about success and player development evaporate amidst tragedy during the season opener. HEAT Mascot Burnie, mindful we live in a post-Gritty world, attempts to ignite his own hype by performing the Pat Riley Ice Bucket Challenge during halftime, extinguishing his own life force as the NBA experiences its first on-court death since 1993. The stunt succeeds as Burnie is posthumously canonized by Online as “A Mood.”

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