Day 23: Is there even such a thing as I’m happy where I am?

I certainly don’t think so.

In retrospect, when I think about moments in my life, they seem so perfect, so beautiful, so unforgettable and just perfect.

But when I was in THAT very moment, I bet million bucks I wasn’t happy, I wasn’t mesmerized, I didn’t think it was perfect.

Because I wanted it to be better, I wanted it to be different, with all my doubts and desires, I needed it to be something else.

Now, it seems like a good story, nice adventure, unexpected connection.

Back then, it was a play, it was theatricals, it was drama, it was my brain and my heart trying not to slaughter each other in attempts to get what both of them wanted.

They never got it, btw.

Cause I calmed them down and as a good girl made myself look better than I was, made myself think and act better than I felt like.

It was me acting like I cared, and I did

Acting like I had no doubts, though I did

Acting like I was all in it, though I wasn’t

Acting like it was the best thing that ever happened to me, and maybe it was

Acting like it was all physical, though I never felt like that

or

Was I acting like I cared, though I never did?

Who knows at this point

…

I can’t say I was happy back then

There were moments

But mostly it was ordinary, the ordinary I’ve never experienced before

But still ordinary

And even though I tried to make smth EXTRA of it

I’m not sure I succeeded

I just put myself in the hands of a person,

who

I’m not sure cares

…

Previously

1–2–3–4–5–6–7–8–9–10–11–11–12–13–14–15–16–17–18–19–20–21–22

…

Thank you for reading

xo

N@t