Day 32: There’s no way to know
I wish there was.
I sooooo wish there was.
I don’t know what I’m doing in the end of October.
I don’t know if I love him.
If I constantly want to break up whatever still is between us, could I possibly love him?
I think I’m not made for this.
But I don’t really know.
And if there are ways of figuring some things out, there are NO ways to figure other things out..
Things like life, love, parents, kids
Time helps
But life has its marvellous ways
And even if we think we actually figured smth out, it gives us smth else we have no clue how to deal with
And here I am
Trying to deal with things I have no desire or energy to handle
So I put some reins in my mom’s hands
She’s wiser in some things
That’s why she decides for me certain matters
But other than that, the eternal questions I kept asking myself since I was a human with fully functional brain, aren’t being solved
Cause
There’s no way to solve them
There are particular stuff where the only thing that matters is what you think
As for everything else, all we do is contemplate and drive blindly into darkness
Never knowing
what’s gonna happen
Every relationship I had before this one was easy, well, relatively, cause I knew early enough if he/she was my person.
I had my fun, nice outings and fleeting emotional connections
But here I stuck in quick sand, with no idea how to get out of it.
Without any clue what it means or how I feel about it
My mind is getting in the way
I can’t feel my heart beating
Can’t feel anything anymore
Except that I should start taking care of me and not giving a shit