Day 32: There’s no way to know

I wish there was.

I sooooo wish there was.

I don’t know what I’m doing in the end of October.

I don’t know if I love him.

If I constantly want to break up whatever still is between us, could I possibly love him?

I think I’m not made for this.

But I don’t really know.

And if there are ways of figuring some things out, there are NO ways to figure other things out..

Things like life, love, parents, kids

Time helps

But life has its marvellous ways

And even if we think we actually figured smth out, it gives us smth else we have no clue how to deal with

And here I am

Trying to deal with things I have no desire or energy to handle

So I put some reins in my mom’s hands

She’s wiser in some things

That’s why she decides for me certain matters

But other than that, the eternal questions I kept asking myself since I was a human with fully functional brain, aren’t being solved

Cause

There’s no way to solve them

There are particular stuff where the only thing that matters is what you think

As for everything else, all we do is contemplate and drive blindly into darkness

Never knowing

what’s gonna happen

Every relationship I had before this one was easy, well, relatively, cause I knew early enough if he/she was my person.

I had my fun, nice outings and fleeting emotional connections

But here I stuck in quick sand, with no idea how to get out of it.

Without any clue what it means or how I feel about it

My mind is getting in the way

I can’t feel my heart beating

Can’t feel anything anymore

Except that I should start taking care of me and not giving a shit

…

I should be the most important person in my life before anyone else can share this place at the top, right?

Love yourself first, huh?

…

Previously

1–2–3–4–5–6–7–8–9–10–11–11–12–13–14–15–16–17–18–19–20–21–22–23–24–25–26–27–28–29–30–31

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Thank you for reading,

xo

N@t